My 11 year old son is so SLOW!
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Anonymous
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My 11 year old son is my oldest, so I haven't been through this before and need your collective wisdom.
He has always been....slow. Slow at everything. He's a smart kid, but when it's not something he WANTS to do, he moves slowly. Waking up in the morning, brushing his teeth, eating breakfast, packing his backpack....slow. Now on the weekend, no problem, we let him relax. But during the week he needs to get out the door and get his school bus. We have just now come to the realization that if we didn't constantly stay on him, he'd be late or wouldn't do it. And I do know that this would probably be a great lesson learned if he WAS late. But also, he might not even care. His academics are strong because we help him. If he was left to his own devices, he would not be so on top of things (though not sure his teachers know this). He often forgets when things are due, even though the teacher websites are easily accessible and spell it all out. He remembers I would say 80% of what he is supposed to. He seems to like school, but it's never been more important than say LEGOS! He does him homework at the table in the diningroom in case he needs my help. He has 5 subjects most nights, and mostly his work has mistakes. I ask him if he wants to "own" the mistakes versus me correcting it, and he says yes, mostly because I think he just wants the homework to be over. But he also has chores - two, actually (less than my other children), but he always needs to be reminded of them. He gets a small allowance that we take away if he's late getting downstairs in the morning for school, or if he chooses not to do the chores. He doesn't seem to care either way until it's time for him to buy a small toy for himself and he has no money. I no longer buy him toys. Now again, this is what I need your wisdom on - is this normal behavior for this age? We happen to have a younger daughter 2 years difference and she is all over everything she needs to do. Granted, her life is not as full school wise as her middle schooler brother, but she has always been someone who takes care of whatever she needs to do, never forgets her responsibilities, etc. I can't imagine it's fun for him to live with her 
My initial thoughts are to throw up my hands, tell him he needs to set his alarm clock, come downstairs and make his OWN lunch, and get himself out the door. Maybe that will throw him into gear and all these other "my mom and dad will just take care of it" situations will go away. I want less frustration, but what I really want is for him to get this!!!Help! |
Anonymous
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What would happen if you didn't wake him up for school?
When does he go to/fall asleep? When does he need to wake up? |
Anonymous
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What are your goals? Him getting out the door or him doing all of these things?
Lunches can be made at night. Clothes can be picked out at night. Showers can happen at night. Before he can play with Legos he should have to do his "must do" tasks like these;plus homework. Mornings he just needs to get up, get dressed and brush teeth. Arrange to have a sitter lined up one morning. If he doesn't get up on his own walk out the door with the ones who are ready. Sitter stays until he is ready. Takes him to school late. He gets no note to "excuse" the tardy. Let him suffer the consequences. Same thing with his grades. The consequence of bad grades or tardies is loss of privileges. He gets punishment at school and home. He has to start owning this. |
Anonymous
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My child with ADD is the same. Not to throw out the old ADD thing again, but... sometimes when kids are about 10 or 11 it catches up with them. My child is dreamy... can spend 45 minutes just thinking about packing her back pack. She'll spend two hours resisting doing 20 minutes of homework. Just passive resistance, just not doing it. SLOW.
You can think of your child as having a disability and slowing over time help him understand his own needs and skills and strengths and weaknesses. What you want is that in 7 years he is capable of taking care of himself alone on a college campus, or living at home, working and going to community college. It's a slow and steady process. We're still deep in it, and I'm struggling myself with how to back off to some degree. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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My son is exACTly like this at 10.5. He has always been this way on an age-adjusted scale (ie, he would be the last preschooler to finish snack, get up from table and put away his plastic plate in preschool; dead last to walk up to the bin and drop his maracas in at the conclusion of toddler music class -- every week).
Because of the lifelong consistency, I am leaning toward just accepting that this is a core component of his temperament. And, the changes I expect to see could only be at the margins and should relate to really, really important facets of life (not missing school bus,'therefore school) VS. things that would be nice to see but aren't truly essential. A tidy lego area, a balanced breakfast every day) |
Anonymous
| My son was exactly the same. Disorganized, slow, loves Legos - those things won't change but your son can adapt if he is sufficiently motivated. For example, long term consequences like money for purchases is too distant -- you have to find something immediate. We have a very successful rule now that if he gets downstairs past a particular time in the morning, he does not get to choose his own breakfast, and instead eats scrambled eggs or oatmeal which he's not crazy about. When he leaves his lunchbox at school he gets lunch in a pink or girly shopping bag (sorry it's un-PC but it works.) And for school, as long as we don't hear from the teacher he has autonomy but if we hear bad news, the autonomy goes away and we check every assignment. So, intrinsic and immediate consequences. |
Anonymous
| Also, the school helped by putting his fun extracurricular first of the day, and if you're late you have to sit it out. |
Anonymous
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Hah! Just got back from taking my kids to school, after the morning yell-fest to get my older DD in the car.
I have an 11 y.o. and a 9 y.o. and ever since that 9 y.o. was 3.5 she was self-sufficient (she got up, got dressed, made oatmeal). Even now, every day, she's up and dressed about the time I stumble downstairs. My 11 y.o. is the slow one…. There are a variety of things that might be going on. 1) If your younger one is like mine, you probably have less patience with your older one because there is no way to attribute it to age. Fortunately you have gender (we can't blame it on that either). Anyways, just saying if you are like me, a (small) part of the problem is the fact that the little one is so much more self-sufficient is shoving that comparison under your nose every day which lowers your tolerance to the older one's dependency. 2) Taking this on a quick tangent to recommend the Phillips Wake Up light. You can buy it on amazon.com. This solved OVER half the problem in the mornings. Seriously worth the money. We ended up buying one for all of us. (As an aside, you will love this advice when the spring time change comes.) And while we're at it, get that light and make him get up at the same time even on the weekends. And go to bed at the same time. This is really huge in the biology of it all, but most people don't understand this. If you let them stay up late and sleep in over the weekend it really disrupts the body's cycle. If your kid could handle it, that would be one thing, but in your situation, it's probably true that your kid cannot handle it and it's exacerbating the problem. Finally, re morning-specific stuff, get every darn thing that could be done the night before done. No picking out clothes in the morning, for example. Backpack in the car. 3) Everyone needs a routine in the morning. Once there is a routine, there is ZERO willpower involved. (Much willpower goes into establishing the routine, however) What I'm reading from your post is that your DS has a routine, but part of that routine is the external cues from you to move from one thing to another. So this is an issue of getting yourself, your cues, out of his routine. He needs to learn to shift from one task to another and make that part of his routine. Your'e going to have to wean him from your cues. The first step in this is to keep the cue, but to get rid of the content in that cue. So instead of "did you get your math done?" it would be, "What else needs to be done?" So they make that jump to math, not you. Not "do you have your jacket?" but "What else do you need?" and stand there and wait for him to figure it out. At the beginning, you're standing by the jackets, LOL (and not "do you have everything" because he'll just say yes) Tangent: At one point we had a checklist taped at the top of the stairs for her to check before coming downstairs so there wasn't the constant running up/down... I'll write more later, I have to go--but I bet there will be some good advice on how from other PPs. Just remember, this problem will probably not go away; you will have to be "on it" for the duration of his life under your roof. But it will get much better depending on how you handle it. My kid is a LOT better and we have never actually been late for school (but I am prepared to drive her sister and leave her, whether or not it bothers her, because I don't want her sister to be late) |
Anonymous
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I have an 11 year old with ADHD (and other SN issues) who is also very slow and a high school boy who is pretty average. From fourth grade on, both boys were able to get themselves showered, dressed, eat breakfast, put their dishes in the dishwasher, let the dog out, lock the house and get themselves to school on time all after I left for work. The only things I did were wake them, pick their clothes and set out their breakfasts. The had the option of walking, riding their bikes or taking the school bus to get to school, but neither really ever took the bus. They were never late. Starting in sixth grade, my oldest got himself up in the morning as well. I am now working with my 11 year old on getting himself up in the mornings.
As far as homework, I give my kids control over all things reasonable, which I guess is pretty much where they do it and when they do it. I require that each one of them make a plan and let me know the plan. I also require that they stick to their plan. My only rule is that homework cannot start after 8 pm because they won't get it done early enough to get to bed on time. I don't care where they do it. I don't care if they listen to music while they do it. I don't care if they use a purple crayon to do it. And, I don't check it. The teachers should know if my kids don't know how to do the work. I see the grades in the (dreaded) Friday Folder, so I know how it's going. For me, I think fourth grade was a good time to require independence and I worked long and hard with each of my boys to get them to that point. (I think it's going to be easier with my younger kids because they're so used to how I run my house). I expected them to become independent and they have met my expectations 100% along the way. The biggest issue is that sometimes it's hard not to micromanage the mornings if I'm home. But, if I tell them to hurry or watch the clock, they remind me that they've never been late and I don't need to nag. One last thing. My SN son is on medication during the school day hours, but not until he leaves for the day, so it's not in effect during the morning routine or when he's doing homework. |
Anonymous
| 9:25 here. Thanks 8:55 for the recommendation of the Phillips Wake Up Light. I'm going to look into it. |
Anonymous
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The phillips light is on amazon lightening deal right now…
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003XN4RIC/ref=gb1h_tit_c-2_1842_b6ae6764?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_t=701&pf_rd_s=center-new-2&pf_rd_r=0757JQSYSCKA9C1N6D08&pf_rd_i=20&pf_rd_p=1725241842 |
Anonymous
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I also have an 11 year old DS and they could be twins!
Along the "lazy" lines (the word we use in our family) - what do you do when the report card comes home with 4s for achievement, but 2 for effort? He's not doing his best, but he's getting 4s, so do I care? (Right now we told him wait for real grades it will change next year.) I don't correct his homework (teachers can tell anyhow). he has done projects the morning they were due and gotten all 4s! (so much for my let him sink experiment!!) I try not to care about what he wears. Sometimes it is green shorts and green tee shirt in winter. I nag to brush teeth, but leave the hair alone (I ask - "do you want to brush your hair or leave it messy?") Sorry not much help - but I feel where you are coming from! |
Anonymous
Those lights get good reviews. But OP if you're on a budget, you could use a light timer ($10) http://www.amazon.com/Intermatic-TN311-Heavy-Grounded-Timer/dp/B005MMSTNG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1392836927&sr=8-2&keywords=light+timer |
Anonymous
| I ordered the light for my son. Similar issues. |
Anonymous
| My DH is unbelievably slow like this too. More methodical than lazy though. It seems to be a trait of engineers, so maybe that's where your sons are headed? |