My 11 year old son is so SLOW!

[Anonymous]

These are executive function difficulties. There are books on ways to encourage independence around organization. Smart but Scattered is an example. I haven't read it but I know it's out there among other similar books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah! Just got back from taking my kids to school, after the morning yell-fest to get my older DD in the car.

I have an 11 y.o. and a 9 y.o. and ever since that 9 y.o. was 3.5 she was self-sufficient (she got up, got dressed, made oatmeal). Even now, every day, she's up and dressed about the time I stumble downstairs.

My 11 y.o. is the slow one….

There are a variety of things that might be going on.

1) If your younger one is like mine, you probably have less patience with your older one because there is no way to attribute it to age. Fortunately you have gender (we can't blame it on that either). Anyways, just saying if you are like me, a (small) part of the problem is the fact that the little one is so much more self-sufficient is shoving that comparison under your nose every day which lowers your tolerance to the older one's dependency.

2) Taking this on a quick tangent to recommend the Phillips Wake Up light. You can buy it on amazon.com. This solved OVER half the problem in the mornings. Seriously worth the money. We ended up buying one for all of us. (As an aside, you will love this advice when the spring time change comes.)

And while we're at it, get that light and make him get up at the same time even on the weekends. And go to bed at the same time. This is really huge in the biology of it all, but most people don't understand this. If you let them stay up late and sleep in over the weekend it really disrupts the body's cycle. If your kid could handle it, that would be one thing, but in your situation, it's probably true that your kid cannot handle it and it's exacerbating the problem.

Finally, re morning-specific stuff, get every darn thing that could be done the night before done. No picking out clothes in the morning, for example. Backpack in the car.

3) Everyone needs a routine in the morning. Once there is a routine, there is ZERO willpower involved. (Much willpower goes into establishing the routine, however)

What I'm reading from your post is that your DS has a routine, but part of that routine is the external cues from you to move from one thing to another. So this is an issue of getting yourself, your cues, out of his routine. He needs to learn to shift from one task to another and make that part of his routine.

Your'e going to have to wean him from your cues. The first step in this is to keep the cue, but to get rid of the content in that cue. So instead of "did you get your math done?" it would be, "What else needs to be done?" So they make that jump to math, not you. Not "do you have your jacket?" but "What else do you need?" and stand there and wait for him to figure it out. At the beginning, you're standing by the jackets, LOL (and not "do you have everything" because he'll just say yes)

Tangent: At one point we had a checklist taped at the top of the stairs for her to check before coming downstairs so there wasn't the constant running up/down...

I'll write more later, I have to go--but I bet there will be some good advice on how from other PPs. Just remember, this problem will probably not go away; you will have to be "on it" for the duration of his life under your roof. But it will get much better depending on how you handle it. My kid is a LOT better and we have never actually been late for school (but I am prepared to drive her sister and leave her, whether or not it bothers her, because I don't want her sister to be late)

Just wanted to thank you for this - very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm reading from your post is that your DS has a routine, but part of that routine is the external cues from you to move from one thing to another. So this is an issue of getting yourself, your cues, out of his routine. He needs to learn to shift from one task to another and make that part of his routine.

Your'e going to have to wean him from your cues. The first step in this is to keep the cue, but to get rid of the content in that cue. So instead of "did you get your math done?" it would be, "What else needs to be done?" So they make that jump to math, not you. Not "do you have your jacket?" but "What else do you need?" and stand there and wait for him to figure it out. At the beginning, you're standing by the jackets, LOL (and not "do you have everything" because he'll just say yes)

NP here, wanted to say this was good food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I can't thank you enough...all excellent points and ideas to help all of us. Thank you!!!

[Anonymous]

Very common in this age group and not at all an indication that he has a disorder or a disability. Lots of pre teens are not focused on what adults think are important. Many are fairly unmotivated and distracted, and friends and things that are cool to them are the priority. Organization and motivation at this point are more personality driven - kids who have always been highly on top of things will likely continue to be but the rest will just dawdle their way through.

I taught middle school - your son is very typical of middle schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is spelled BOY. Ever notice when people post about issues like these, it is almost always about their son or DH? My son is 8 yrs old and his newest chore is to do his laundry. I will give him one reminder usually on Saturday morning to do it. That's it. That would get him started but then he would "forget" to complete it. He had been asking for a watch so I got his one- with a timer. I showed him how to set it for an hour so it goes off and he goes back downstairs to do his laundry. If your son's alarm doesn't get him up and out of bed, make him pay you for the ride to school b/c he missed the bus. Make him checklists for everyday. If he checks off that he did something and he actually didn't do it, take away his __________ for however long you think is needed.

[Anonymous]

I am enjoying this post. I have a similar 10 year old boy and I spend much time wondering if he has ADHD or anxiety or some disability. And he may, but it is nice to hear some parents not pathologize everything and just say it is a trait, which he will grow with or grow out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old son is my oldest, so I haven't been through this before and need your collective wisdom.

He has always been....slow. Slow at everything. He's a smart kid, but when it's not something he WANTS to do, he moves slowly. Waking up in the morning, brushing his teeth, eating breakfast, packing his backpack....slow. Now on the weekend, no problem, we let him relax. But during the week he needs to get out the door and get his school bus. We have just now come to the realization that if we didn't constantly stay on him, he'd be late or wouldn't do it. And I do know that this would probably be a great lesson learned if he WAS late. But also, he might not even care. His academics are strong because we help him. If he was left to his own devices, he would not be so on top of things (though not sure his teachers know this). He often forgets when things are due, even though the teacher websites are easily accessible and spell it all out. He remembers I would say 80% of what he is supposed to. He seems to like school, but it's never been more important than say LEGOS!

He does him homework at the table in the diningroom in case he needs my help. He has 5 subjects most nights, and mostly his work has mistakes. I ask him if he wants to "own" the mistakes versus me correcting it, and he says yes, mostly because I think he just wants the homework to be over.

But he also has chores - two, actually (less than my other children), but he always needs to be reminded of them. He gets a small allowance that we take away if he's late getting downstairs in the morning for school, or if he chooses not to do the chores. He doesn't seem to care either way until it's time for him to buy a small toy for himself and he has no money. I no longer buy him toys.

Now again, this is what I need your wisdom on - is this normal behavior for this age? We happen to have a younger daughter 2 years difference and she is all over everything she needs to do. Granted, her life is not as full school wise as her middle schooler brother, but she has always been someone who takes care of whatever she needs to do, never forgets her responsibilities, etc. I can't imagine it's fun for him to live with her

My initial thoughts are to throw up my hands, tell him he needs to set his alarm clock, come downstairs and make his OWN lunch, and get himself out the door. Maybe that will throw him into gear and all these other "my mom and dad will just take care of it" situations will go away. I want less frustration, but what I really want is for him to get this!!!Help!

Mom, what are you doing?!! My brother told me everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is spelled BOY.

My 10-year-old daughter is just like this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wanted to thank everyone for their feedback. Over the past few days we have made a few changes, so thank you for your ideas. Mostly we've started saying things like "This is your homework, not mine, and if it doesn't get done or you can't get downstairs in time to eat breakfast, their will be natural consequences." For some reason, mostly it's worked! I am so amazed at his ability to rise to the occasion. I think we've just been coddling him so much, he's gotten used to it...and liked it! But did get aggravated with us always talking to him. So we made a deal - he shows us he can get up on his own, we will check his grades once a week, his chores get done on time...well guess what? We will talk LESS! I think this has somehow clicked with him and he's liking the independence. I have also had to let go of a few things. Honestly, I am so less stressed about it now, and I can focus on my other kids.

So thank you, collective DCUM community. This really did help.