Would you get an amnio? Ambiguous genitalia at 20 week US

[Anonymous]

I am so happy for you, OP!

Congrats and May your little one always know they are loved not only by you, but have an entire online community of #DCUMaunties rooting for them!

[Anonymous]

Welcome, baby! Congratulations, OP!

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad you and the baby are well! What a lucky child to have parents who are working so hard for them. No matter what may come, the groundwork we lay for our children- regardless of their challenges- helps them navigate. What a great example of navigating with love and patience while you pursue whatever help they need. Now get some sleep

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone! OP checking in again, I'm planning to keep the thread updated at least until we know definitively what's going on - that way it's not a mystery diagnosis for anyone who eventually finds the thread in the future if they're experiencing the same thing. But for now . . . still a mystery, except that it's definitively *not* any form of congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which is great! But otherwise, after the first flurry of doctors appointments and tests, the bloodwork came back and it's all in between the male and female ranges for the various hormone levels, which is not a surprise, given what we already know. Apparently though, around 2 months old, babies go through something called "mini-puberty," so we'll re-run the tests then and that'll offer a better picture of what actual puberty might look like and will factor into the recommendation the doctors give us on sex of rearing (i.e. which gender to raise the baby as). We're also still waiting for results on more extensive genetic testing, which I suppose would catch anything that was missed when we did the amnio.

I don't think I realized that once the baby was born we'd still be in for another 2 or 3 months of uncertainty, but there you have it. In the meantime we're just trying to find a balance between respecting the baby's privacy and also not treating this like a shameful secret, which in some cases means straight up saying "we don't know yet" when people ask if they're a boy or girl. (Yes, we've gotten some strange looks, but we don't generally explain much further.)

To answer a few questions that've popped up since I last posted: When I first saw the baby, I was genuinely so happy and excited to meet them. It helped that I wasn't in any pain (thanks epidural!) so I was very present in the moment in a way that I wasn't with my first baby. As for the genital situation, I didn't look in the baby's diaper basically until we were home from the hospital two days later - other people were handling diaper changes, and I admit I was somewhat afraid to see whatever was down there. Several weeks in now, I've become somewhat accustomed to it, I guess.

And, since someone asked and I doubt people can discover much with just a first name - we named the baby Adrian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey everyone! OP checking in again, I'm planning to keep the thread updated at least until we know definitively what's going on - that way it's not a mystery diagnosis for anyone who eventually finds the thread in the future if they're experiencing the same thing. But for now . . . still a mystery, except that it's definitively *not* any form of congenital adrenal hyperplasia, which is great! But otherwise, after the first flurry of doctors appointments and tests, the bloodwork came back and it's all in between the male and female ranges for the various hormone levels, which is not a surprise, given what we already know. Apparently though, around 2 months old, babies go through something called "mini-puberty," so we'll re-run the tests then and that'll offer a better picture of what actual puberty might look like and will factor into the recommendation the doctors give us on sex of rearing (i.e. which gender to raise the baby as). We're also still waiting for results on more extensive genetic testing, which I suppose would catch anything that was missed when we did the amnio.

I don't think I realized that once the baby was born we'd still be in for another 2 or 3 months of uncertainty, but there you have it. In the meantime we're just trying to find a balance between respecting the baby's privacy and also not treating this like a shameful secret, which in some cases means straight up saying "we don't know yet" when people ask if they're a boy or girl. (Yes, we've gotten some strange looks, but we don't generally explain much further.)

To answer a few questions that've popped up since I last posted: When I first saw the baby, I was genuinely so happy and excited to meet them. It helped that I wasn't in any pain (thanks epidural!) so I was very present in the moment in a way that I wasn't with my first baby. As for the genital situation, I didn't look in the baby's diaper basically until we were home from the hospital two days later - other people were handling diaper changes, and I admit I was somewhat afraid to see whatever was down there. Several weeks in now, I've become somewhat accustomed to it, I guess.

And, since someone asked and I doubt people can discover much with just a first name - we named the baby Adrian.

Than you for checking in with us, OP. I think of you and your sweet little Adrian regularly! You're a wonderful mom and Adrian is a lucky little human.

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear from you, OP. Congrats on Adrian!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so glad to hear from you and thank you for keeping this thread updated.

Have you and your family come up with ways to handle other people commenting on your child's ambiguous sex/gender? I would imagine that it would be handled differently with people who your family is close to vs. with strangers, but for example, what is your childcare plan? How will you discuss this issue with, say, a nanny or daycare provider?

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP!!

[Anonymous]

Adrian is a lovely name for a child of any gender. OP, you are so strong! I really admire you!

[Anonymous]

Aw, thanks for the update, OP! I *love* the name Adrian. Love, love, love. If for some mysterious reason we end up with another baby, I'm going hard for Adrian.

I'm hoping you're settling in and getting at least some sleep. And fingers crossed that the additional testing goes smoothly. It must be hard waiting for more information--but then again, a newborn will keep you busy!

Also, I know it's not the exact situation, but we have a teenage neighbor who's non-binary, which I didn't know until their mom told me. And they're just a sweet teenager who loves to play with our dog, although I know some people don't get it. Just to say: I hope your Adrian is met with kindness all along the way. They're so lucky to have you as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so glad to hear from you and thank you for keeping this thread updated.

Have you and your family come up with ways to handle other people commenting on your child's ambiguous sex/gender? I would imagine that it would be handled differently with people who your family is close to vs. with strangers, but for example, what is your childcare plan? How will you discuss this issue with, say, a nanny or daycare provider?

Well, at this stage the ambiguity isn't obvious to anyone unless they're literally changing the baby's diaper (which for now is just family), or if they ask us boy or girl. For family/close friends, they've been in the loop on the situation from the beginning so there's not much to explain. For any childcare provider, we'd explain the situation to them fully since they'll be changing diapers and such, but that's a problem for down the road since I'll be on maternity leave for a while and the gender question may well be settled before there's a nanny or day care in the picture (settled in terms of sex of rearing, not "settled" like we're going to make any physical changes to the baby, to be clear). The one category of people who've been somewhat in the loop but not fully briefed are work people - e.g. our bosses, colleagues, etc., who've interacted with us all along the way and may've noticed the change from "it's a girl" (pre-20 week ultrasound) to "we don't know yet," and have now asked boy or girl since the baby has been born. These are the folks we've just told we still don't know yet, and just said briefly that the gender situation is fluid or, for those we're more comfortable with, that the baby was born with an intersex condition, here are their pronouns, and they're healthy and doing great.

If people assume one gender right now, we generally don't correct them (because (1) what would we even correct them to, and (2) we may end up needing to correct them again once things are clearer). All told our approach is pretty ad hoc, but feels like the best we can do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adrian is a lovely name for a child of any gender. OP, you are so strong! I really admire you!

Thank you, that's so kind - words of affirmation are definitely my love language so this whole thread has been a balm for me.

That said, I don't feel especially strong a lot of the time, it's still a lot to process and is hard sometimes. I feel like things are probably headed in a male direction (but who knows), and I definitely got wistful seeing a mom and her daughter at the grocery store yesterday since I sense that's not in the cards for me. I know gender disappointment can affect any parent, but it feels a bit different to be told your baby's a girl and has XX chromosomes and then end up seeing your imagined daughter potentially go up in a puff of smoke anyway. I've tried finding the humor in it though - my husband's family skews very male, so before this pregnancy I assumed I'd only have sons anyway, but I told him I was really impressed with the strength of his genes - who'd have thought that even if we scrounged up two X chromosomes to rub together, they'd still find a way to try and turn them into a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so glad to hear from you and thank you for keeping this thread updated.

Have you and your family come up with ways to handle other people commenting on your child's ambiguous sex/gender? I would imagine that it would be handled differently with people who your family is close to vs. with strangers, but for example, what is your childcare plan? How will you discuss this issue with, say, a nanny or daycare provider?

Well, at this stage the ambiguity isn't obvious to anyone unless they're literally changing the baby's diaper (which for now is just family), or if they ask us boy or girl. For family/close friends, they've been in the loop on the situation from the beginning so there's not much to explain. For any childcare provider, we'd explain the situation to them fully since they'll be changing diapers and such, but that's a problem for down the road since I'll be on maternity leave for a while and the gender question may well be settled before there's a nanny or day care in the picture (settled in terms of sex of rearing, not "settled" like we're going to make any physical changes to the baby, to be clear). The one category of people who've been somewhat in the loop but not fully briefed are work people - e.g. our bosses, colleagues, etc., who've interacted with us all along the way and may've noticed the change from "it's a girl" (pre-20 week ultrasound) to "we don't know yet," and have now asked boy or girl since the baby has been born. These are the folks we've just told we still don't know yet, and just said briefly that the gender situation is fluid or, for those we're more comfortable with, that the baby was born with an intersex condition, here are their pronouns, and they're healthy and doing great.

If people assume one gender right now, we generally don't correct them (because (1) what would we even correct them to, and (2) we may end up needing to correct them again once things are clearer). All told our approach is pretty ad hoc, but feels like the best we can do right now.

PP here.

Your approach doesn't sound ad hoc at all. It sounds like your approach is evolving with additional information and situation-dependent based on need. I completely and totally respect that and wish you and your family nothing but joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adrian is a lovely name for a child of any gender. OP, you are so strong! I really admire you!

Thank you, that's so kind - words of affirmation are definitely my love language so this whole thread has been a balm for me.

That said, I don't feel especially strong a lot of the time, it's still a lot to process and is hard sometimes. I feel like things are probably headed in a male direction (but who knows), and I definitely got wistful seeing a mom and her daughter at the grocery store yesterday since I sense that's not in the cards for me. I know gender disappointment can affect any parent, but it feels a bit different to be told your baby's a girl and has XX chromosomes and then end up seeing your imagined daughter potentially go up in a puff of smoke anyway. I've tried finding the humor in it though - my husband's family skews very male, so before this pregnancy I assumed I'd only have sons anyway, but I told him I was really impressed with the strength of his genes - who'd have thought that even if we scrounged up two X chromosomes to rub together, they'd still find a way to try and turn them into a boy.

But you don't know - your child will likely identify as non-binary anyway.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for coming back with an update, OP. I had no idea about mini-puberty. That is fascinating!

It sounds like your little one is doing well, and that you are too. I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts. Enjoy your time with your baby!