Am I the only one who doesn't feel bored as a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Huh. Sounds like you're projecting your own (very peculiar) marital dynamic onto others who have no idea what you're talking about. Talk about denial!

My entire family decides where to go on vacation, and I plan all the details because I enjoy it - and I have time to do so. Cars? How strange that you'd think our husbands decide what we'll drive.

As for vacations, my husband and I plan a few trips together each year around his business trips - so of course he's going to extend his vacation days so we can do this. Often, the whole family will come along, if his trip coincides with a school break. He would laugh at the suggestion that when he travels alone, he's going to "decide to stay for a couple of days," rather than come home. The last thing he wants is to extend a business trip, unless it's part of a vacation.

What your post is really saying is that this is what you *imagine* must occur in a marriage with a SAHP. In other words, wishful thinking on your part. Sorry to disappoint!

No, these two scenarios were described to me by two of my SAHM friends. I'm glad your marriage is so very equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a white privilege issue. It's nice if you can afford to stay home OP and rally round the flag for you. But, it just isn't possible for most people in this area.To another poster, I do wonder why someone would go to all of the trouble to go to law school and then stay home.

Pp here who went to law school. I practiced for more than 10 years. I more than made back the time investment. Plus, law school was fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Huh. Sounds like you're projecting your own (very peculiar) marital dynamic onto others who have no idea what you're talking about. Talk about denial!

My entire family decides where to go on vacation, and I plan all the details because I enjoy it - and I have time to do so. Cars? How strange that you'd think our husbands decide what we'll drive.

As for vacations, my husband and I plan a few trips together each year around his business trips - so of course he's going to extend his vacation days so we can do this. Often, the whole family will come along, if his trip coincides with a school break. He would laugh at the suggestion that when he travels alone, he's going to "decide to stay for a couple of days," rather than come home. The last thing he wants is to extend a business trip, unless it's part of a vacation.

What your post is really saying is that this is what you *imagine* must occur in a marriage with a SAHP. In other words, wishful thinking on your part. Sorry to disappoint!

No, these two scenarios were described to me by two of my SAHM friends. I'm glad your marriage is so very equal.

You guys pick bad spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Wow! A few things are crystal clear, just from reading your post.
1. Your marriage sounds incredibly tense and passive aggressive. Not to mention, sad and strange.
2. You're projecting your baggage onto people with much healthier marriages.

In my family, we ALL pick the vacation destination and then I get the fun of planning it, which I love.
When my husband goes on a business trip, he's the first to try and make it as short as possible because he'd rather just come home. Unless I go with him on said trip, however, which I do about once or twice a year. Then he definitely takes some extra vacation days that we can enjoy together. You should try it sometime!

The car and vacation examples are both drawn from two real life SAHM friends. In both cases, the women are not only SAH, they are 8 and 12 years younger than their husbands. In the car example, my friend wanted a family car when theirs broke down, her husband wanted something more business friendly. He said, "If we can't agree, I'll just buy the car I want without your agreement." Not all marriages with a WOHH and a SAHW are healthy.

You do understand that it is a relationship and individual dynamic vs a result of SAH vs WOH?
Selfish spouses are going to put self before family, like buy a car for their sole needs or overstay trips or stray or whatever. And they will do this whether spouse works or not.

Now in such a contentious relationship the woman working is better off as it gives you financial security, but then that couple is better off divorced in the first place.

However this thread is for happily married couples, who do exist in both SAH vs WOH families.

There is also the situation where both spouses working and one handling the second shift leads to divorce. Divorce happens to working moms too, and onnthe whole, even working moms come out of divorce on a less advantageous financial situation than their male spouse. This thread ignores entirely that many working moms have limited their careers amd compensation via the mommy track.

This is spot on. Mommy tracked working moms are in a difficult situation as well since finding a replacement job with equivalent pay and benefits, including intangible ones like telecommute is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

DP, but my husband thinks it's great. We meet for lunch all the time and he gets a lot of time off for himself. Why would he be jealous?

How can he possibly get a lot of time off for himself? Do you mean he works 40 or 50 hours a week, and then takes nights and weekends away from family?

What? Of course not. You don't have a very wide experience with situations other than your own, do you?

My husband pretty much makes his own hours. He's senior enough to come and go when he needs to, and/or work at home. He can take a day off here and there to go golfing if he wants. We can meet for lunch a few times a week. He helps out at school a couple of times a month. He coaches our kids' teams. And he goes on a weekend fishing trip with his friends once a year - just as I take a ladies weekend with mine. Plenty of free time for both of us, without having to "take nights and weekends away from family." I'm sorry you don't know what that's like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

I don't really know people like this. For our vacations, I tell my husband to block off certain days and I schedule everything. I pick my own car. He does his. I handle all of the money. In fact, he just called me because he wants to make a pretty big charitable donation and wanted to see if that was ok with me and where to get the money from.

Not all marriages are built on an uneven foundation. Mine wasn't when I worked and it isn't now that I don't. If it was, I agree that one should always work. But it is kind of sad if that is the state of your marriage.

+100
If I had a marriage like PP's, I'd definitely be working too. Or maybe I just wouldn't be married to someone who insisted we both split everything, straight down the middle, regardless of personal preferences or family needs. That marriage sounds like complete drudgery. No wonder PP is so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

DP... I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like great marriage. I've been both a wohm, sahm, wfh, PT, etc... Marriage is a partnership.

Marriage is a partnership, ideally, but then again life is not ideal. The kind of man who respects his wife being at home was not the kind of man who would be attracted to me - I'm too competitive

I'm glad that works for you, but my DH respects me whether I choose to be sahm or wohm, and I've done both. Your marriage sounds more like a competition.

Yes, we are both competitive, and our marriage is much more egalitarian than most of our friends'.

Sure... "egalitarian." Exactly the word that came to mind when reading the description of your marriage.

There is no gender divide in our parenting. We both taught/are teaching the kids to drive. Whoever is cooking depends on the night of the week. We make all financial decisions truly jointly. I realize this wouldn't suit many of you posters, but it works for us and has for over 20 years.

"No gender divide"! Hysterical. In our house, we don't call it a "gender divide," we call it "personal preference." Which means that my daughter, who hates emptying the dishwasher, is on trash duty. My son enjoys cooking, so he cooks dinner twice a week. Like you, both my husband and I teach the kids to drive, but we simply base it on who's available. I wouldn't care less if my husband wanted to do it all the time, because frankly, I hate it. I get carsick if I'm not driving. Who cares who teaches the kids to drive??

As for our financial decisions, they're also made "truly jointly." Why would you assume otherwise? I pay all the bills and we both decide what investments to make. It's not rocket science. You're so wrapped up in gender roles - or, rather, making a big point to defy them - that you just look foolish and boring. Your marriage sounds horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a white privilege issue. It's nice if you can afford to stay home OP and rally round the flag for you. But, it just isn't possible for most people in this area.To another poster, I do wonder why someone would go to all of the trouble to go to law school and then stay home.

Pp here who went to law school. I practiced for more than 10 years. I more than made back the time investment. Plus, law school was fun.

Did your parents pay for your law school and college? Otherwise, a person would still have student loans at year 10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

Mine does not. He’s very career focused and loves his work and his contribution there. I did not. I went the college-career route and was miserable. He is not. I didn’t feel I was contributing to anything other than my unhappiness when I was working. I’m very happy and fulfilled now, and my husband is very happy and fulfilled now. It works for us now.

You're happy being married to a man whose main focus in life is work?

DP, but it sounds like the main focus in life for many women on this thread is work. Don't you think it's kind of sexist to imply men's main focus shouldn't be work?

I don't think anyone's focus in life should be work. I think both parents should be actively involved in parenting, and neither parent should leave the breadwinning entirely to the other parent.

Question: why are you on this thread? What you "think" has nothing to do with the OP's question. It's clear your insecurity caused you to troll here and give us your "thoughts." Sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the confusion at what someone does all day. I go once or twice a week to visit my MIL in a nursing home and deal with her stuff. Its 45 minutes away so it takes most of the day. One day grocery shop and another day errands. Lunch with one of my parents (separate) or friends. Clean the house, pay bills, do house repairs, etc. and sometimes a nice nap.

I do a week's worth of laundry and the week's grocery shopping in 4-5 hours on one weekend day. No elder care demands. I outsource house cleaning and repairs, and I pay most of our bills online. I can't really see one whole day for grocery shopping and another whole day for errands.

You must teach One-Upmanship 101! You're so good at it. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that we "can't really see" the need for.

I understand it must be hard to realize other women are so much more efficient at life tasks. I'm sorry you have to fill up your time with a whole day of grocery shopping. Really.

Oh, sweetie. What you're actually efficient at is trolling threads that don't concern you. Do you know that we're all laughing at how insecure you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a white privilege issue. It's nice if you can afford to stay home OP and rally round the flag for you. But, it just isn't possible for most people in this area.To another poster, I do wonder why someone would go to all of the trouble to go to law school and then stay home.

Pp here who went to law school. I practiced for more than 10 years. I more than made back the time investment. Plus, law school was fun.

Did your parents pay for your law school and college? Otherwise, a person would still have student loans at year 10

No. As I previously stated, I had a scholarship that covered tuition and living expenses. But 10 years out, I would have easily been able to pay off my loans had I taken them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Wow! A few things are crystal clear, just from reading your post.
1. Your marriage sounds incredibly tense and passive aggressive. Not to mention, sad and strange.
2. You're projecting your baggage onto people with much healthier marriages.

In my family, we ALL pick the vacation destination and then I get the fun of planning it, which I love.
When my husband goes on a business trip, he's the first to try and make it as short as possible because he'd rather just come home. Unless I go with him on said trip, however, which I do about once or twice a year. Then he definitely takes some extra vacation days that we can enjoy together. You should try it sometime!

The car and vacation examples are both drawn from two real life SAHM friends. In both cases, the women are not only SAH, they are 8 and 12 years younger than their husbands. In the car example, my friend wanted a family car when theirs broke down, her husband wanted something more business friendly. He said, "If we can't agree, I'll just buy the car I want without your agreement." Not all marriages with a WOHH and a SAHW are healthy.

You do understand that it is a relationship and individual dynamic vs a result of SAH vs WOH?
Selfish spouses are going to put self before family, like buy a car for their sole needs or overstay trips or stray or whatever. And they will do this whether spouse works or not.

Now in such a contentious relationship the woman working is better off as it gives you financial security, but then that couple is better off divorced in the first place.

However this thread is for happily married couples, who do exist in both SAH vs WOH families.

There is also the situation where both spouses working and one handling the second shift leads to divorce. Divorce happens to working moms too, and onnthe whole, even working moms come out of divorce on a less advantageous financial situation than their male spouse. This thread ignores entirely that many working moms have limited their careers amd compensation via the mommy track.

This is spot on. Mommy tracked working moms are in a difficult situation as well since finding a replacement job with equivalent pay and benefits, including intangible ones like telecommute is hard.

So the solution is to not work at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

DP, but my husband thinks it's great. We meet for lunch all the time and he gets a lot of time off for himself. Why would he be jealous?

How can he possibly get a lot of time off for himself? Do you mean he works 40 or 50 hours a week, and then takes nights and weekends away from family?

What? Of course not. You don't have a very wide experience with situations other than your own, do you?

My husband pretty much makes his own hours. He's senior enough to come and go when he needs to, and/or work at home. He can take a day off here and there to go golfing if he wants. We can meet for lunch a few times a week. He helps out at school a couple of times a month. He coaches our kids' teams. And he goes on a weekend fishing trip with his friends once a year - just as I take a ladies weekend with mine. Plenty of free time for both of us, without having to "take nights and weekends away from family." I'm sorry you don't know what that's like.

Your husband doesn't work full time, I guess. He's a semi retired senior executive. Okay, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: Raising kids is a contribution to society.

Newsflash: you can raise kids, plus have a career.

I spent 30 plus years as working mom. Then I got laid off and now I work part time while staying at home. I'm not bored. I realize that I was way overextended while trying to raise kids and work full time and that it almost ruined my mental health for good. The expectation that women can take on full time jobs while still performing most of their traditional roles is, in my view, nothing short of abuse. You can say that men should take on half of the home roles but that doesn't work for most of us. Meanwhile, men have come to expect women who can "do it all" and still be hot in the bedroom.

+1
I've never had any interest in "doing it all," because I realize life has seasons. So I can do it all in my lifetime, but have no desire to try cramming everything in, all at once. I also did the working mom BS for a long time, until I came to the same conclusions as you. I want to focus on one thing at a time and give it 100%; and at this time, that would be my kids. Life is long. First things first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Wow! A few things are crystal clear, just from reading your post.
1. Your marriage sounds incredibly tense and passive aggressive. Not to mention, sad and strange.
2. You're projecting your baggage onto people with much healthier marriages.

In my family, we ALL pick the vacation destination and then I get the fun of planning it, which I love.
When my husband goes on a business trip, he's the first to try and make it as short as possible because he'd rather just come home. Unless I go with him on said trip, however, which I do about once or twice a year. Then he definitely takes some extra vacation days that we can enjoy together. You should try it sometime!

The car and vacation examples are both drawn from two real life SAHM friends. In both cases, the women are not only SAH, they are 8 and 12 years younger than their husbands. In the car example, my friend wanted a family car when theirs broke down, her husband wanted something more business friendly. He said, "If we can't agree, I'll just buy the car I want without your agreement." Not all marriages with a WOHH and a SAHW are healthy.

You do understand that it is a relationship and individual dynamic vs a result of SAH vs WOH?
Selfish spouses are going to put self before family, like buy a car for their sole needs or overstay trips or stray or whatever. And they will do this whether spouse works or not.

Now in such a contentious relationship the woman working is better off as it gives you financial security, but then that couple is better off divorced in the first place.

However this thread is for happily married couples, who do exist in both SAH vs WOH families.

There is also the situation where both spouses working and one handling the second shift leads to divorce. Divorce happens to working moms too, and onnthe whole, even working moms come out of divorce on a less advantageous financial situation than their male spouse. This thread ignores entirely that many working moms have limited their careers amd compensation via the mommy track.

This is spot on. Mommy tracked working moms are in a difficult situation as well since finding a replacement job with equivalent pay and benefits, including intangible ones like telecommute is hard.

So the solution is to not work at all?

You can do as you wish. All choices have consequences.