What I’m noticing from millennial high achieving moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the flex of having an impressive career and more than a couple kids is a real thing. It is impressive to be killing it on both the home and work front.

It’s also cool to marry a rich guy, not knocking that, but I see the appeal of showing off that you can do both career and kids at the same time

I definitely agree. I was a sahm for several years when the kids were little and I got the strong sense a lot of my peers saw me as “just” a sahm. The difference now that I am working is noticeable.

I think millennials in our age range are still big on the idea of having it all; important job, more than a couple kids, good marriage, gorgeous home, lots of travel etc etc etc.

I also strongly agree on the 3 kids thing- so many families we know have 3. Flex jobs and wfh has made this more doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the flex of having an impressive career and more than a couple kids is a real thing. It is impressive to be killing it on both the home and work front.

It’s also cool to marry a rich guy, not knocking that, but I see the appeal of showing off that you can do both career and kids at the same time

I definitely agree. I was a sahm for several years when the kids were little and I got the strong sense a lot of my peers saw me as “just” a sahm. The difference now that I am working is noticeable.

I think millennials in our age range are still big on the idea of having it all; important job, more than a couple kids, good marriage, gorgeous home, lots of travel etc etc etc.

I also strongly agree on the 3 kids thing- so many families we know have 3. Flex jobs and wfh has made this more doable.

Funny. I was just thinking yesterday that I feel looked down upon by the SAHM in my neighborhood for working. They probably don't realize I work for fun and fulfillment, not because I need to to pay bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

No, I agree that I don't think people with 3+ kids really thought it through, they just wanted more babies but then didn't think about logistics. Have 3+ kids? You'll need 2 hotel rooms or have to pay extra for a cot or make your kids sleep 3 to a bed and they will hate you forever for that. Have 3+ kids? You'll need a bigger car that fits 6+ people in case you need to bring a friend along somewhere. Have 3+ kids? One of them will always feel excluded if it's an odd number.

How do people not think this through???

Oh, well if YOU agree that must mean it’s gospel

You don’t need a car that fits 6. And there are plenty of families with only two children where the children dislike each other. And if you have a boy and a girl it’s only a matter of time before you need to figure out something different with hotels since it’s weird to force them to share a bed past a certain age. There are plenty of problems every family has to contend with…Insert Anna Karenina reference regarding unhappy families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

What should be obvious is that no one wants to hear someone whine and complain ("vent") about a choice they made for themselves. It's sympathy seeking and it's an annoying behavior.

I had fewer kids precisely because I did not want to spread all my resources (especially my time and energy) so thin among so many people. This seemed obvious to me. If it was also obvious to you, why did you make that choice? And why are you asking me to feel sorry for you when you apparently knew going in that it would be like this? I feel sorry for your kids instead. They didn't choose it, and your constant complaining about how hard and expensive everything is will feel to them like you resent or regret having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

No, I agree that I don't think people with 3+ kids really thought it through, they just wanted more babies but then didn't think about logistics. Have 3+ kids? You'll need 2 hotel rooms or have to pay extra for a cot or make your kids sleep 3 to a bed and they will hate you forever for that. Have 3+ kids? You'll need a bigger car that fits 6+ people in case you need to bring a friend along somewhere. Have 3+ kids? One of them will always feel excluded if it's an odd number.

How do people not think this through???

Oh, well if YOU agree that must mean it’s gospel

You don’t need a car that fits 6. And there are plenty of families with only two children where the children dislike each other. And if you have a boy and a girl it’s only a matter of time before you need to figure out something different with hotels since it’s weird to force them to share a bed past a certain age. There are plenty of problems every family has to contend with…Insert Anna Karenina reference regarding unhappy families.

If your kids outgrow sharing a bed, you just divide them and each share a bed with a parent. Or you get a room with two beds and a pullout couch. It's not that hard.

Not all families are unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

What should be obvious is that no one wants to hear someone whine and complain ("vent") about a choice they made for themselves. It's sympathy seeking and it's an annoying behavior.

I had fewer kids precisely because I did not want to spread all my resources (especially my time and energy) so thin among so many people. This seemed obvious to me. If it was also obvious to you, why did you make that choice? And why are you asking me to feel sorry for you when you apparently knew going in that it would be like this? I feel sorry for your kids instead. They didn't choose it, and your constant complaining about how hard and expensive everything is will feel to them like you resent or regret having them.

Pretty much everything in life involves choices, so it sounds like you have zero empathy for anyone. Must be fun! I’m sure you’re awesome to spend time with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

What should be obvious is that no one wants to hear someone whine and complain ("vent") about a choice they made for themselves. It's sympathy seeking and it's an annoying behavior.

I had fewer kids precisely because I did not want to spread all my resources (especially my time and energy) so thin among so many people. This seemed obvious to me. If it was also obvious to you, why did you make that choice? And why are you asking me to feel sorry for you when you apparently knew going in that it would be like this? I feel sorry for your kids instead. They didn't choose it, and your constant complaining about how hard and expensive everything is will feel to them like you resent or regret having them.

Pretty much everything in life involves choices, so it sounds like you have zero empathy for anyone. Must be fun! I’m sure you’re awesome to spend time with!

I have lots of empathy for people. I also expect the people around me to take responsibility for their choices.

It is not fun to spend time with someone who constantly complains about how hard it is to have three or more kids. You made the choice, now own it. There might be discrete things worth complaining about and of course a friend will listen. But if every time I see you, it's just a laundry list of "it's soooo hard and everything is so expensive and no one understands," I will run out of patience with it. This is the life you chose for yourself. It's not something that just happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

DP
Agree!

I'm a GenX mom of 2, but am the middle of three in my nuclear family. Of course these smart women know. I knew, which is precisely why I didn't do it. When they vent to me, I always laugh and say "you did it to yourself!" Probably not the best statement coming from the boss, but I say it anyway.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and you’re gross, and you’re derailing the subject.

We are not high achieving. We are millennials. We are moderately achieving.

It’s not *because* we have three. It’s because we never came from money; we have so much more than our parents imagined, but we didn’t have a life starting boost. Neither of us are model-hot (at all), attractive people with average, asymmetrical faces. My DH has a very high degree but it’s not prestigious or corporate climbing. I left a good corporate climbing job but not for SAHM, but because of a needed geographic relocation - and it was like 2 years before remote started happening more - and my company was not flexible or willing to start. My boss literally mixed up sales tax projects we worked on together for income tax problems related to my move.

First boss after high degree for DH paid him a salary “for his dues.” First three years of his work he was underpaid. This really set us back.

This is all well before the third kid. Third kid cost us only one thing - a car for space - which we needed to replace DH’s car anyway. I still pay less for him on most other things. Very little on toys, very little on clothes.

It’s not the third kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the flex of having an impressive career and more than a couple kids is a real thing. It is impressive to be killing it on both the home and work front.

It’s also cool to marry a rich guy, not knocking that, but I see the appeal of showing off that you can do both career and kids at the same time

I definitely agree. I was a sahm for several years when the kids were little and I got the strong sense a lot of my peers saw me as “just” a sahm. The difference now that I am working is noticeable.

I think millennials in our age range are still big on the idea of having it all; important job, more than a couple kids, good marriage, gorgeous home, lots of travel etc etc etc.

I also strongly agree on the 3 kids thing- so many families we know have 3. Flex jobs and wfh has made this more doable.

Funny. I was just thinking yesterday that I feel looked down upon by the SAHM in my neighborhood for working. They probably don't realize I work for fun and fulfillment, not because I need to to pay bills.

I moved from a wealthy UMC suburb to a wealthy UC neighborhood. I noticed more of what OP and you are talking about from the UMC. When you make the jump to UC, the SAHMs don't judge and are all very educated - all the kids (3-4) are in private school ($50k+/ea). I'm genX and a slightly older mom - there are a few of me too (usually with only 1 or 2 kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the flex of having an impressive career and more than a couple kids is a real thing. It is impressive to be killing it on both the home and work front.

It’s also cool to marry a rich guy, not knocking that, but I see the appeal of showing off that you can do both career and kids at the same time

I definitely agree. I was a sahm for several years when the kids were little and I got the strong sense a lot of my peers saw me as “just” a sahm. The difference now that I am working is noticeable.

I think millennials in our age range are still big on the idea of having it all; important job, more than a couple kids, good marriage, gorgeous home, lots of travel etc etc etc.

I also strongly agree on the 3 kids thing- so many families we know have 3. Flex jobs and wfh has made this more doable.

I’m a millennial with three kids (but am debating leaving my job for a few years, so maybe I’m not “high achieving.”)

I recently had my third after a lot of consideration. I just really wanted one more kid for personal reasons, and now I feel 100% done. It is definitely not a flex. It’s expensive and prolongs the time you’re in the baby phase and need a full time nanny/childcare. I can see how people without three kids would view it as a flex because before I had my third, I looked at larger families similarly and wondered how they were managing the thing I wanted but felt too anxious to pursue. It’s a balancing act for everyone. And fwiw, of my close millennial friends stopped at two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

No, I agree that I don't think people with 3+ kids really thought it through, they just wanted more babies but then didn't think about logistics. Have 3+ kids? You'll need 2 hotel rooms or have to pay extra for a cot or make your kids sleep 3 to a bed and they will hate you forever for that. Have 3+ kids? You'll need a bigger car that fits 6+ people in case you need to bring a friend along somewhere. Have 3+ kids? One of them will always feel excluded if it's an odd number.

How do people not think this through???

I can’t speak for everyone, but I extensively thought it through before having a third kid. We used to stay at the four seasons type hotels with 2 kids and now we won’t with three because we’ll either need two rooms or a condo. That’s a trade off. Yes, it’s more expensive to have three kids. But we felt we could afford it without making unreasonable compromises. Our kids don’t need to grow up staying at the fanciest hotels, going to Europe every year, or each taking six extracurriculars. They go to a great private school, they can each do a few extracurricular activities every teamster, go to summer camp, and we will take domestic vacations. We have a four bedroom house that we bought before we knew how many kids we’d have. It’s not huge, but my kids don’t need to grow up in a huge house. A lot of people with two kids argue that their kids need all of these extravagant things - they don’t, it’s usually for the parents and things they think their kids “should” have. I’d rather have three kids wearing gap, old navy and target than two kids with a full wardrobe of aviator nation sweatshirts by first grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

What should be obvious is that no one wants to hear someone whine and complain ("vent") about a choice they made for themselves. It's sympathy seeking and it's an annoying behavior.

I had fewer kids precisely because I did not want to spread all my resources (especially my time and energy) so thin among so many people. This seemed obvious to me. If it was also obvious to you, why did you make that choice? And why are you asking me to feel sorry for you when you apparently knew going in that it would be like this? I feel sorry for your kids instead. They didn't choose it, and your constant complaining about how hard and expensive everything is will feel to them like you resent or regret having them.

Pretty much everything in life involves choices, so it sounds like you have zero empathy for anyone. Must be fun! I’m sure you’re awesome to spend time with!

I have lots of empathy for people. I also expect the people around me to take responsibility for their choices.

It is not fun to spend time with someone who constantly complains about how hard it is to have three or more kids. You made the choice, now own it. There might be discrete things worth complaining about and of course a friend will listen. But if every time I see you, it's just a laundry list of "it's soooo hard and everything is so expensive and no one understands," I will run out of patience with it. This is the life you chose for yourself. It's not something that just happened to you.

So why are you CHOOSING to continue to spend time with people you look down on and then CHOOSING to whine and complain about how annoying they are on an internet message board? Hanging out with these people isn’t something that just happened to you. This is the social circle you chose for yourself.

(And thanks for confirming that you’re a twat!)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm not even going to bother reading the 24 pages of idiocy this post has prompted.

- Young Gen X Mom who thinks OP is stupid.

I’m with you! It takes a few years to figure out how exhausting 3+ kids can be. By the time mom decides to SAH, the couple realizes how expensive 3+ kids can be esp to educate, save for retirement, take care of parents who are getting dementia. But you do you 30-somethings.

I find it shocking that people have a third (or fourth or fifth) kid without realizing this. How???? Especially if you are well-educated and in your late 20s or early 30s by the time you start having kids.

I have friends with 3 who have acted surprised about every feature of their family size since the third was born. They were shocked at how expensive 4-5 bedroom houses are. They were shocked when their nanny expected more money for adding an infant to her workload. They were shocked when their food bill went up, when their eldest became jealous of the baby and started acting out, when their vacations became pricier and unwieldy due to the age spread.

I am empathetic -- it does in fact sound very hard. But I can't help wondering why on earth none of this occurred to them before? How can this be a surprise? I don't get it. This is precisely why we didn't have a third kid. We discussed it, we love kids and there are things about it that were very appealing, but the practicalities are just stacked against you.

I'm not against 3 or more kids (I am one of four, my sister has four) but I don't understand how it happens and then people realize "oh, this is harder and more expensive than having two, why didn't anyone tell me????" Uh, we thought you knew! It seems really obvious.

Newsflash, lady: they were not actually shocked - they were just venting.

They are venting because they are surprised. If they really understood all these aspects of having 3 or more kids, why would they need to vent about this stuff?

Also, the way they vent is like "ong can you believe this?" and the truth is that yes, of course I believe it. It is obvious to most people. Am I supposed to get worked up that my friend has to pay for two hotel rooms when they travel or their private school didn't offer them more of a discount for their third kid? Why?

Only a moron would take the bolded statement literally. Again, your “friends” (quotes because you’re less a friend and more a judgmental twat) are JUST.VENTING.

Believe it or not, the people who actually HAVE three kids know how much it costs to have three kids better than the folks with one or two kids. You would think THAT would be obvious.

What should be obvious is that no one wants to hear someone whine and complain ("vent") about a choice they made for themselves. It's sympathy seeking and it's an annoying behavior.

I had fewer kids precisely because I did not want to spread all my resources (especially my time and energy) so thin among so many people. This seemed obvious to me. If it was also obvious to you, why did you make that choice? And why are you asking me to feel sorry for you when you apparently knew going in that it would be like this? I feel sorry for your kids instead. They didn't choose it, and your constant complaining about how hard and expensive everything is will feel to them like you resent or regret having them.

Pretty much everything in life involves choices, so it sounds like you have zero empathy for anyone. Must be fun! I’m sure you’re awesome to spend time with!

I have lots of empathy for people. I also expect the people around me to take responsibility for their choices.

It is not fun to spend time with someone who constantly complains about how hard it is to have three or more kids. You made the choice, now own it. There might be discrete things worth complaining about and of course a friend will listen. But if every time I see you, it's just a laundry list of "it's soooo hard and everything is so expensive and no one understands," I will run out of patience with it. This is the life you chose for yourself. It's not something that just happened to you.

So why are you CHOOSING to continue to spend time with people you look down on and then CHOOSING to whine and complain about how annoying they are on an internet message board? Hanging out with these people isn’t something that just happened to you. This is the social circle you chose for yourself.

(And thanks for confirming that you’re a twat!)

Say you're deeply defensive about your family planning choices without saying you're deeply defensive about your family planning choices.