What I’m noticing from millennial high achieving moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

I don't think of one and done or no kids as a flex. Three kids is very common in my area (Greenwich). That's the flex. Everything on the initial list is accurate. The running marathons is not something that I see (and I'm a former college runner so these are my people) but being very fit is definitely a flex.

[Anonymous]

Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

[Anonymous]

I was born in the early 1980s and most of my female college friends vastly outearn their husbands.

[Anonymous]

You do know that no one has wins all the time, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in that group and pretty open about the positive and negative I've experienced- domestic assault, becoming a single Mom, parent to a medically disabled child, losing many many pregnancies. I've also talked about wins - successful career.

Some friends have been open about their struggles. One lost two babies and her uterus. Super high achieving person. Another is a famous tech owner that essentially is a recluse ans paranoid.

The bolded is actually something I do NOT see in this group unless the street goes can be framed as another accomplishment. So like medical issues that got resolved they will share about, but a divorce will happen very quietly with no acknowledgement on social media. A kid with an LD or other SN that they overcome to do well will be highlighted, a child with behavioral issues that are persistent will never be mentioned.

If these women were open about struggles in a way that indicated they don't have all the answers, they would be relatable. But when it's all wins, all the time, I just feel like I can't relate and would rather keep my distance. I don't want my more normal life compared to theirs negatively, and I really don't want to be lectured on how to "fix" my life to be more like theirs (truthfully I don't want the big successful career because I like having a lot of balance and I decided a long time ago that trying to look and be perfect all the time was bad for my mental health so I embrace my mediocrity as a sign that I'm in a good head space).

My friend with 2 stillbirths and no uterus has literally no wins. She's very open about her grief. I've had several share about the miscarriages before ever being successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

My friends with 3:
2 are religious
1 is a doctor and #3 was an oops
1 isn't religious but first marriage, one child from a previous relationship
1 has four and not religious
1 is gay and not religious

I think that's it most everyone else has 2 or none

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

I don't think of one and done or no kids as a flex. Three kids is very common in my area (Greenwich). That's the flex. Everything on the initial list is accurate. The running marathons is not something that I see (and I'm a former college runner so these are my people) but being very fit is definitely a flex.

PP here. I wasn't trying to say it's a flex. Just that it's the trend I see in my cohort. I'm 34 and I don't know anyone with 3 kids, a few with two kids, and quite a lot with one kid or no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

Not at all driven by religion in high achieving women.

It’s driven by being able to ‘have it all’: 3 kids, fit body, Ivy education, high powered job, and exotic travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid age millennial born in 1990. I went to an Ivy with very high achieving woman and these are the trends I’m noticing as we start to become parents

1. Very few stay at home moms despite high earner spouses. I’m surprised by this because many of my friends assumed they’d stay home but I’m noticing most work full time in top but flexible jobs. This makes this combined incomes super high (dual doctors, big law/surgeon, finance/ engineers). I’m sure this will put SAHM mom / single earner families at a disadvantage going forward

2. More kids. Not sure if this is a status symbol or not but lots of 3 kids back to back (again while working big jobs)

3. Traveling alot despite 1 &2

4. Need to post about how amazing their family life is (with obligatory sentence about how sometimes it’s hard)

Anything I’m missing?

Plenty of families like this in Vienna, although older. I think women born in the 90s are in the midst of having their three kids and/or flexing in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

I don't think of one and done or no kids as a flex. Three kids is very common in my area (Greenwich). That's the flex. Everything on the initial list is accurate. The running marathons is not something that I see (and I'm a former college runner so these are my people) but being very fit is definitely a flex.

PP here. I wasn't trying to say it's a flex. Just that it's the trend I see in my cohort. I'm 34 and I don't know anyone with 3 kids, a few with two kids, and quite a lot with one kid or no kids.

Ah that’s because you’re still relatively young. The third kid usually comes in the later 30s. Especially the baby girl with two older brothers. I’m 39 and there’s a lot of “2 close in age and then a 3rd when the younger is around 4-5.”

The “two careers” thing is common with only one kid but by the time kid 2 or 3 enters the picture, someone is ready to lean out to a part time job, or to government from private industry/Biglaw. All the rest is extremely true and is also true of older Millennials. There is also a lot of family financial support going on. Even in higher earning couples. Grandparents help pay for an additional nanny or private pre-K-12 and contribute the max to the college savings account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

Not unless you count “barely observant Catholic” as “religious.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a baby during the pandemic and being utterly alone with no support was traumatic. Not gonna go through that again.[/quote


Oh, dear. You couldn't cope with one infant! My mother coped quite well with three children under ,8 when my father was in Viet Nam. No extra help but she was organized and knew whining was counterproductive. Millennial women are the best educated, highest HHI, of all generations and are also the most helpless and laziest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

Like OP I was born in 1990 and most people my age just started having kids so nobody has 3+, except some religious couples who started having kids in their 20s. I know a few more with a third on the way, but they’re a few years older than me. One accident and one planned, neither religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

I don't think of one and done or no kids as a flex. Three kids is very common in my area (Greenwich). That's the flex. Everything on the initial list is accurate. The running marathons is not something that I see (and I'm a former college runner so these are my people) but being very fit is definitely a flex.

PP here. I wasn't trying to say it's a flex. Just that it's the trend I see in my cohort. I'm 34 and I don't know anyone with 3 kids, a few with two kids, and quite a lot with one kid or no kids.

Ah that’s because you’re still relatively young. The third kid usually comes in the later 30s. Especially the baby girl with two older brothers. I’m 39 and there’s a lot of “2 close in age and then a 3rd when the younger is around 4-5.”

The “two careers” thing is common with only one kid but by the time kid 2 or 3 enters the picture, someone is ready to lean out to a part time job, or to government from private industry/Biglaw. All the rest is extremely true and is also true of older Millennials. There is also a lot of family financial support going on. Even in higher earning couples. Grandparents help pay for an additional nanny or private pre-K-12 and contribute the max to the college savings account.

Not PP, but a similar age millennial. I’m the only person in my group of close friends with kids (I have two and plan to stop there although I may foster later in life). Of those who don’t have kids about 2/3rds are child free by choice and the other 1/3rd are starting to get anxious about the finances and logistics. We’re all high achieving in terms of education although not with sort of ambitious post-grad careers listed on this thread — more academics, people who noped out of consulting to be artists, computer scientists who didn’t want to move to Silicon Valley, a few lawyers who didn’t stay in big law, etc. None of us have significant parental support (except emotional), and some of us are supporting our parents. But I will say: we’re all pretty happy! So that’s a win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

My friends with 3:
2 are religious
1 is a doctor and #3 was an oops
1 isn't religious but first marriage, one child from a previous relationship
1 has four and not religious
1 is gay and not religious

I think that's it most everyone else has 2 or none

One more is ritual Catholic but as far as I can tell not that religious