Being a Single Parent: Does $$ Make it Better?

[Anonymous]

I was just browsing through and old thread about single parenting ("Not Loving the Comments" or something like that on p. 2).

There were great points on all sides. One woman said she thinks single parenting might be easier b/c hubbies and in-laws are too much work. (And there were times that I've felt like I had 3 kids instead of 2 and a husband.)

Another poster said she thinks single parenting is harder logistically and financially but not emotionally.

This got me to thinking about a woman I used to work with. She was a single parent but the most chipper person I ever knew. She always talked about all the fun she was having with her DC. I ran into her recently. DC is now getting ready to head off to a good college out of state. We were talking about how the time flies, and she starts in again about how life with her and DC was always so much fun. For one DC was always a good kid. For two she had the resources to give DC a good life (cue the cell phone pics of them Christmas shopping in Asia last month.)

Every single mother I knew always made it sound like it was such a struggle. But reading that post (and thinking of the former co-worker I just ran into) got me to thinking: Is single parenting really not as hard as we think it is if you have the financial resources? (Frankly I used to think Co-worker was chipper at work but miserable at home or just hiding her pain at work. Then someone pointed out 'Why wouldn't she be happy being able to take her child abroad just to shop (she did that when we worked together too), drive a luxury car, carry the most expensive handbags, etc?)

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent and while it's nice that I never have to convince someone else that my idea really IS the best decision, it's on me to ALWAYS come up with a decision and solve every problem, big and small.

Would money make life a lot easier? Absolutely. It frays my nerves to have no privacy (my bedroom is the living room, my bed is the couch). But money can't create time. And when I'm home sick I can't see how money would help, because DD would still be coming to me to give her dinner.

[Anonymous]

Good points.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I'm not rich but make a little over 100K with support payments.
I'm very comfortable and not stressed about money. I love being a single Mom compared to the abusive relationship I was in where I was a household chore slave, cook, and told nearly daily that I wasn't a good Mom or partner.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent of one and definitely think it's easier than having to negotiate whose turn it is to take out the trash, cook dinner, pick up Larla from school, stay home because school is closed, etc. The time that some couples spend negotiating all that astounds me. Yes, logistics can be challenging, but it's completely worth it to me never to have those arguments. Money definitely helps. Having someone clean the house every other week is the best money I've ever spent. I make enough that I can afford extra curriculars for DC without a problem (I don't get child support). I couldn't do private school, but that's the only luxury I had to get over. As far as time, it's definitely hard to take care of someone when you're sick. Fortunately, DC is past the toddler years and although he's still young, he gets it when all I can muster is PB&J for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I a single mom to one kid, and I also make about 100 K. It helps to have only one kid, some financial resources, and a job with a stockpile of paid vacation and sick leave. So far, the only downside is having to hire a sitter for non-child occasions that occur during work hours. I am definitely having fun, although it can be exhausting.

[Anonymous]

PP here. "that don't occur during work hours"

[Anonymous]

Single mom of three. Yep, the problems are money and logistics. Getting everyone everywhere they need to go. That's easier with money too, though, because you can pay people. But, getting time off for all of the school meetings and other kid stuff, which is easier the less kids you have, is tough. You definitely have to manage time better than if everything wasn't on your plate. And, if you go through a rough patch with one of your kids, it can be daunting to be responsible for all of the decisions.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom and my ex is not involved in our lives. Of course money would make it easier because I don't really find it that hard. I've been a single mom since my son was born so it really does help to start off that way. I only make around $50K which isn't much in this area. I'd love to be able to buy a place instead of renting. But the day to day is just normal for us. It was harder when my son was a baby/toddler and physically exhausted me day in and day out. Money for a babysitter back then would've come in handy.

[Anonymous]

It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure the stress levels go down somewhat just based on being able to outsource a lot of things like cleaning, cooking, babysitting, driving to activities and homework supervision. It could probably be more ideal depending on her flexibility, but yes money definitely helps. If she doesn't have to clean the house, she has more free time to hang out with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

If you are co-parenting with someone who is working with you from a foundation of good will then it's a lot better to have two people sharing those decisions and burdens. But when the other parent makes every decision hell because that's their way of life, it's a lot harder. A LOT.

[Anonymous]

There are some things that money makes better, but it's not everything. The hardest thing about being a single parent, in my experience as divorced mom with active coparent (which is NOT the same thing, I know), is illness. When DD gets sick, I'm almost always the one who stays home. I'm almost always the one going to urgent care with a sick child. If I get sick (which happens only about once a year but it's a doozy when it does), there's no one to take DD off my hands so I can sleep. There's no one to cook the meals and sort out the bedtimes and such. Even if I take her to school and then stay home, I still have to take her to school, which means getting up, getting dressed, getting her ready and then physically going there, before I can go back to my sick bed. Then the whole process repeats at 5pm.

I could pay someone to do all of those things, I suppose, but it sounds like a logistical hassle. When we were still married, I got the flu and her dad simply did everything. I got to sleep for like 3 days and got better a lot quicker than I have since.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Money would have made being a single parent much, much, much easier. Having money to hire help makes some of the logistical problems go away too, since things like cleaning can be outsourced. And it relieves some of the angst of making decisions on your own, bc now your options are better. It sucks to make compromises on things like quality childcare for your kid because it's either "not-great daycare and safe apartment" or "great daycare and scary neighborhood". Having more money opens doors and relieves stress.

As far as decisions and the burden of sole responsibility go, 9:53 nailed it. Co-parenting with someone who is all in is great. Co-parenting with an asshole is hell. Everything is a fight.

I was a single parent from the time DS was 8mo til he was 2.5yo. Then a sole parent from 2.5yo to 4.5yo. Sole parenting with no break wasn't easy, but it was easier (and healthier for DS and I) than co-parenting with XH. Things were consistent, there were no power struggles, no undermining, no uncertainty or things being changed at the last minute. When XH took off, my expectations changed. I knew what had to be done and I knew that I was the one to do it. There was no point in getting frustrated or disappointed or upset, things just had to get done. When he was around, there was this sense that I was picking up his slack/covering for him and it was hard to not get angry when he didn't show up. When he left, that expectation of help/partnering/back-up disappeared and I was able to move on and take care of business.

Now I'm re-partnered with a wonderful man and it is amazing. There are things that are harder now that there's another opinion and other needs to be weighed, but for the most part, it's been great. It's wonderful to know that I'm not alone any more and someone other than me for DS to count on.

[Anonymous]

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-money-can-buy-happiness/

I see no reason this doesn't apply to single parents, too.