Being a Single Parent: Does $$ Make it Better?

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

If you are co-parenting with someone who is working with you from a foundation of good will then it's a lot better to have two people sharing those decisions and burdens. But when the other parent makes every decision hell because that's their way of life, it's a lot harder. A LOT.

PP here. Agreed, and that's what I meant by it would vary by situation but (and without any research to support this) I would tend to think a large percentage of co-parents range from indifferent at worst to reasonable/agreeable at best. So, while it may be a lot harder for a small subsection of people I would think it's better for the majority which is why I asked.

[Anonymous]

OP here

WOW! These responses have really made me think differently about single parenting. The reason people approach SParents with the "I don't know how you do it"'s is because all we hear about are poor struggling single mothers and the children who turn to a life of crime and dysfunction because Daddy wasn't there. News articles on the topic are, again, about the struggles of single parents.

Who knew there were so many who are happy, satisfied and who would prefer doing it solo rather than dealing with an asshole of a co-parent.

Just WOW at this entire thread.

This has been eye-opening for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

[Anonymous]

The stories you hear about single moms with criminal kids are not-so-thinly veiled racist critiques of poverty. I'm divorced, live in a small apartment with a child in public school. We don't have a ton of money for amenities, but we are not "poor" by the hand-wringing definitions. More money is not going to help a person who does not know how to manage money. I grew up poor, so I have a lot of "poor skills" as my mom called them. If my monthly income doubled (currently around $3500 after taxes and health insurance), I would get a bigger living space, but that's about it. I might hire a house cleaner a couple of times a month, but honestly, if that was a priority, I could probably do that NOW. I'd save more, which would make a difference later but wouldn't change the day to day reality that the majority of things that happen, good and not so good, are on my watch and are my responsibility to respond to. Sometimes that's DD having a great day and being utterly delightful, and sometimes that's her waking up with a stomach bug and puking all over everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

I think what's best varies by situation. I think a lot of people on this board are very quick to sublimate their entire lives and identities into parenting. I am a mom, but I am also a lot of other things. Staying married to DD's dad, while it was certainly logistically easier in some ways, made me miserable in almost every other aspect of my life. Not being married to each other has made both of us better parents. I am less harried as a 75%-of-the-time single parent, and he is much more engaged in the 25% of the time she spends with him than he was when we were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to me that the focus is on what's easier rather than what's best. For example, sure, it's easier when only one person has to make decisions but wouldn't it be just as accurate to say that it's harder when it's only one person because the weight of that decision is on your shoulders as compared to having two people where there's at least some balancing some opinions to arrive at the best result?

I realize this is going to vary by situation and yeah, obviously it's better to not be in an abusive situation. Anyways, this isn't meant to be antagonistic but I think it helps to ask the tough questions about why we think the way we do.

Single mom here - I agree with this. I do find it hard sometimes to not have another person's point of view on decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stories you hear about single moms with criminal kids are not-so-thinly veiled racist critiques of poverty. I'm divorced, live in a small apartment with a child in public school. We don't have a ton of money for amenities, but we are not "poor" by the hand-wringing definitions. More money is not going to help a person who does not know how to manage money. I grew up poor, so I have a lot of "poor skills" as my mom called them. If my monthly income doubled (currently around $3500 after taxes and health insurance), I would get a bigger living space, but that's about it. I might hire a house cleaner a couple of times a month, but honestly, if that was a priority, I could probably do that NOW. I'd save more, which would make a difference later but wouldn't change the day to day reality that the majority of things that happen, good and not so good, are on my watch and are my responsibility to respond to. Sometimes that's DD having a great day and being utterly delightful, and sometimes that's her waking up with a stomach bug and puking all over everything.

What this poster said. I have been broke (on welfare, etc), but I had the skills to manage money and the education, support and luck to work my way out of it. I no longer have to make the kinds of decisions that I made when DS was tiny (gas for work or groceries for dinner?). More money would help now, yes. But it wouldn't make a huge difference in our day-to-day lives. I'd be able to save for college, or buy a car so I wouldn't have to do Zipcar and Metro everywhere. I make just under $60K, so a bump to $100K would relieve stress, but nothing like the bump from $22K to $58K did. Doubling my income now would make my life more convenient and relaxed, but it wouldn't change the basics.

I used to be afraid of screwing DS up (esp after XH disappeared) because of all those articles and stories about fatherless boys. Then I realized that even if I was on food stamps, I was still middle-class and educated and would be raising my child with those values, I wouldn't be fighting against generations of cyclical poverty and stereotypes. I had society and institutional knowledge to help me out, I had a family who could step in, strong male role models for DS, etc. I was never POOR, merely really really BROKE. There's a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The stories you hear about single moms with criminal kids are not-so-thinly veiled racist critiques of poverty. I'm divorced, live in a small apartment with a child in public school. We don't have a ton of money for amenities, but we are not "poor" by the hand-wringing definitions. More money is not going to help a person who does not know how to manage money. I grew up poor, so I have a lot of "poor skills" as my mom called them. If my monthly income doubled (currently around $3500 after taxes and health insurance), I would get a bigger living space, but that's about it. I might hire a house cleaner a couple of times a month, but honestly, if that was a priority, I could probably do that NOW. I'd save more, which would make a difference later but wouldn't change the day to day reality that the majority of things that happen, good and not so good, are on my watch and are my responsibility to respond to. Sometimes that's DD having a great day and being utterly delightful, and sometimes that's her waking up with a stomach bug and puking all over everything.

What this poster said. I have been broke (on welfare, etc), but I had the skills to manage money and the education, support and luck to work my way out of it. I no longer have to make the kinds of decisions that I made when DS was tiny (gas for work or groceries for dinner?). More money would help now, yes. But it wouldn't make a huge difference in our day-to-day lives. I'd be able to save for college, or buy a car so I wouldn't have to do Zipcar and Metro everywhere. I make just under $60K, so a bump to $100K would relieve stress, but nothing like the bump from $22K to $58K did. Doubling my income now would make my life more convenient and relaxed, but it wouldn't change the basics.

I used to be afraid of screwing DS up (esp after XH disappeared) because of all those articles and stories about fatherless boys. Then I realized that even if I was on food stamps, I was still middle-class and educated and would be raising my child with those values, I wouldn't be fighting against generations of cyclical poverty and stereotypes. I had society and institutional knowledge to help me out, I had a family who could step in, strong male role models for DS, etc. I was never POOR, merely really really BROKE. There's a big difference.

I'm the poster you quoted. I think that it's good for kids to have role models, but I think that the horror stories of "fatherless boys" are more related to poverty issues than marital status of the boys' mothers. There is obviously a high correlation between such kid issues and martial status, but there are also strong correlations between criminality and HHI and between marital status and HHI. This board has a lot of single parents on it, but many of them are wealthy. They are single parents who could afford to go to a sperm bank or adopt. They are single parents who are actually (like me) divorced people - some of us used to have high HHI and no longer do because of divorce. Even people who have lower incomes for the area (you and me, for example), the overall lifestyle is much, much different than the horror stories on the news.

[Anonymous]

I'm a high-earner single parent. Yes, of course money helps, as I think it relieves a lot of stress. I don't have to worry about moving (can easily afford our mortgage), paying bills or buying food. And I can save for college, pay a babysitter when needed, and take nice relaxing vacations. But I agree that time and logistics still are big challenges. Finding time to vet babysitters, hiring repair people, getting to medical appointments, taking time off for school events and snow days, finding camps when school is out of session - that all requires time and effort, and while I can hire people to do some of it, I still need to be there for the doctor appointments, the first day of school, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent. yes, money solves some issues. i'm comfortable but not well off enough that i don't worry about money sometimes. just now worrying about helping to care for a sick parent…hard to figure out how as a single parent. logistics are a challenge, not being able to go out without making plans for childcare, no one to help make decisions. i do think there are aspects that are easier…no debates on decisions. and i'm lucky as i have a great kid who i enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom who makes about $100K and gets decent support payments. We're not rich but we're definitely solidly middle class. there's not much money for travel, but there's money for activities and meals out, and we have a good time. I own a home in a North Arlington neighborhood that I like, and I have a good social support system of friends - both friends with kids and friends without. I also have a nice coparent who only occasionally irritates me. So I have it pretty good.

More money would make it better, partly because I could do a little more if I had money for babysitting or more travel. Family in the area would be nice. Time to date would be nice But I'm definitely happier than my single mom friends who are struggling financially.

[Anonymous]

Being in a bad marriage was harder in a different way than being a single parent. The stress and strain of dealing with my ex made me a crazy person and affected my parenting.

Being a single parent is also very draining. It's hard to get a break. You worry about money. Money makes some problems easier to manage but does not buy happiness. It does alleviate some stresses.

Ideally, it's better to be in a functioning, healthy marriage where you both pull your weight. If you DH is horrible like mine turned out to be, not having to put up with him all the time is an improvement.

Also, the OP's friend sounds like she had one kid? I think one child would be manageable. More than one and it becomes much more complicated, and you are outnumbered.