Found evidence that father might be cheating ... do I tell my mom?

[Anonymous]

So this is a couple of years old, but I figured I might as well ask anyway:

About 2 years ago, I was checking my email on my dad's phone (with his permission) and saw that he had gone to a few websites for escorts located in areas where he went on business (very specific metro areas like Durham, NC). I was totally shaken and he could tell something was wrong. I didn't have the guts to ask him about it in person, so I sent him an email. He called me up and told me that one of his friends had suggested that they all go to a massage place on a business trip and he was trying to convince that person that hte massage place wasn't appropriate. He told me he'd never do anything to hurt my mom or my sister and me. I didn't totally believe his story, but dropped it.

About a year later, I was checking my email on his phone again (with his permission) and found a similar website for escorts located in a place he had just been for business. I didn't ask him about it.

I have no other evidence that he might be doing anything sketchy. My mom told me that he was taking out large amounts of cash one time when he was on a trip to London (several hundred dollars at a time), but didn't say anything else. It was sort of out of the blue. She also told me that they had gone to marriage counseling a couple of times, but then decided to work out their issues on their own. She wouldn't tell me what the issues were.

Should I tell my mom what I found? I know it's been a long time. My dad is an absolutely wonderful father and, by every indication I can see, a wonderful husband. My parents are in their late 50s and are planning their retirement and I feel like I might ruin everything they have by telling my mom, who would be crushed.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

NO. stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

I found evidence of cheating in my dad's car when helping my mom find the registration paperwork for the yearly license renewal.

I never told. My mom passed away a few years later, so in hindsight I am glad I didn't say anything as it would have broken her heart and filled her last few years with sadness.

I am sorry. It really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found evidence of cheating in my dad's car when helping my mom find the registration paperwork for the yearly license renewal.

I never told. My mom passed away a few years later, so in hindsight I am glad I didn't say anything as it would have broken her heart and filled her last few years with sadness.

I am sorry. It really sucks.

Thanks. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's just tough because my dad has always been so good to us and seemingly so good to my mom. I also adore my mom and don't want her to be deluded. She has dropped hints that something bad happened between them (saying things like "when you want your marriage to work, you sometimes have to forgive a lot"), so maybe she knows and they've worked past it. It just really shattered my trust in guys and it's taken a very long time for me to trust guys again.

[Anonymous]

I was 21 when I found out my dad was cheating. I did tell my mom and she told me to stay out of it. No one spoke to me about it and now, 15 years later it still bothers me. I never looked at my dad the same way and didn't respect my mom for doing nothing, and telling me to mind my own business. It sucked and I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

This is tough. My parents are in their 50s and my dad gave my mother an STD. We had suspected he'd been cheating but wasn't sure.

If anything I would buy my dad a box of condoms and urge him to be safe. Very likely your mom already knows about your father's wandering eye but hasn't said anything to you yet.

[Anonymous]

Checking out sleazy websites does not automatically = cheating. Even using an escort service doesn't necessarily mean that he is sleeping around. So you really don't know anything for sure even though you might suspect..

However you DO know that your mom and dad have had marital issues, they've been through counseling and they've opted to stick together. That is fact.

I don't think you should mention this to your mom.
Sorry that you've had to worry about this. ((hugs))

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything to my mom but I would confront my dad. It's reprehensible behavior and it HAS hurt you - it has shattered your trust in men. Tell him that. He deserves to know that. Maybe it would inspire him to change.

The only thing about your mom that might tempt me to tell her if it were my mom is if she gives any hints that he is gas lighting her and she feels crazy. I thing gas lighting is even more evil than cheating. It's cruel, intentionally so. It's possible your mother suspects and is questioning herself. Knowing the truth might set her free and empower the next stage of her life. I'm not sure you know her well enough to k know, but that's my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Butt the hell out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for the advice and for those of you who are being aggressive -- please understand how painful it is for me to find this evidence. I'm not trying to butt into my parents' business. I'm just really hurt.

[Anonymous]

MYOB.

You know, you REALLY don't want to get into the details of your parents' sex lives.

It is possible that he is cheating.

It is also possible that he has been given a hall pass to see escorts because she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.

It is possible that he has been given a hall pass to see escorts and she is sleeping with him everyday.

It is possible that he is cheating with escorts because she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.

It is possible that your parents are sleeping with each other, escorts, and half the town at weekly swing parties.

Just close your eyes and think about something else, because you really don't want to know.

[Anonymous]

Your mother has given you all the hints she can that she is aware of certain problems and that she has decided to go a certain way to solve them.

Since they appear to be happy together, what else can you do?

No marriage is perfect, OP, and what you mother says about forgiveness is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice and for those of you who are being aggressive -- please understand how painful it is for me to find this evidence. I'm not trying to butt into my parents' business. I'm just really hurt.

How does this hurt you?

[Anonymous]

The large amounts of cash while traveling abroad would not bother me. I have withdrawn large amounts of cash while traveling abroad myself, and I did not use them for escorts or whatever. The other stuff is more troubling, but I agree with the PPs. Do not tell your mom. If you see things again, talk to your dad about it. And maybe stop using his phone to check your email. Sounds like it doesn't go well every time you do.