Found evidence that father might be cheating ... do I tell my mom?

[Anonymous]

Stay out of your parents' sex lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the comments that suggest someone should not be hurt to find out their father is cheating on their mother. It is not some character in a movie. I do not care how old you are --- and I am 45, thinking of a parent cheating on the other hurts.

NP here. I think what some people are trying to say is that OP does not have all the facts about the situation OR her parents' marriage. They have had problems and OP's mom has said as much. He could be cheating, he could have a hall pass or it could be a self gratification thing. No need being "hurt" unless you know everything IMO. Afterall, it is the marriage of 2 other adults.

The only question I would ask folks is what is the end-game? Emotions aside, what does the OP hope to get out of telling her mother? What would she want her mother to do about it? Suppose she tells mom and mom says "I know and I don't mind"? Regardless of what dad did or did not do, forcing a confrontation about this is an entirely new can of worms that, at least in the short term, will lay a lot of things bare. Is the OP ready for that?

[Anonymous]

I would tell your mom. I'd stick to the limited information you know, and say it once and only once. Let her know that their marriage and see life is not your business and that you are not asking for her to respond on any way. You just wanted to be sure that she was aware of what you had seen. Tell her you will never mention it again, and mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the comments that suggest someone should not be hurt to find out their father is cheating on their mother. It is not some character in a movie. I do not care how old you are --- and I am 45, thinking of a parent cheating on the other hurts.

I totally agree. I'm always surprised by the comments that adult children should never feel hurt or count on their parents for anything. I think that's strange.

I agree. Why WOULDN'T one of my parents cheating on the other without it being an open marriage affect or hurt me? I absolutely love my dad and he has always been this super reliable, loving, protective figure in my life. If I ever found out he cheated on my mom, yes I would absolutely be affected. This doesn't mean I am young or immature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is a couple of years old, but I figured I might as well ask anyway:

About 2 years ago, I was checking my email on my dad's phone (with his permission) and saw that he had gone to a few websites for escorts located in areas where he went on business (very specific metro areas like Durham, NC). I was totally shaken and he could tell something was wrong. I didn't have the guts to ask him about it in person, so I sent him an email. He called me up and told me that one of his friends had suggested that they all go to a massage place on a business trip and he was trying to convince that person that hte massage place wasn't appropriate. He told me he'd never do anything to hurt my mom or my sister and me. I didn't totally believe his story, but dropped it.

About a year later, I was checking my email on his phone again (with his permission) and found a similar website for escorts located in a place he had just been for business. I didn't ask him about it.

I have no other evidence that he might be doing anything sketchy. My mom told me that he was taking out large amounts of cash one time when he was on a trip to London (several hundred dollars at a time), but didn't say anything else. It was sort of out of the blue. She also told me that they had gone to marriage counseling a couple of times, but then decided to work out their issues on their own. She wouldn't tell me what the issues were.

Should I tell my mom what I found? I know it's been a long time. My dad is an absolutely wonderful father and, by every indication I can see, a wonderful husband. My parents are in their late 50s and are planning their retirement and I feel like I might ruin everything they have by telling my mom, who would be crushed.

What should I do?

They are your mom and dad but you do not know or understand the details of their relationship. I would ignore it and MYOB. When you and your friends get to his age, you may appreciate or realize the dynamics of your parent's relationship that you are bound to now.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm sorry for what you are dealing with! I had the same issue years ago, found evidence that my father was cheating while my mom went overseas (gone a month long for work). I said something to him &of course he denied it. Turned out to be true & mom found out on her own. She was heart broken of course but stayed. Even 6 years later my mom is resentful & hurt. My relationship with my father changed, we were so close-
I chose to stay quiet & I think you should too. But I know the hurt & disappointment you feel. It really sucks & all these other posters who don't understand you being hurt by it haven't walked in your shoes so wouldn't get it. Good luck op