Found evidence that father might be cheating ... do I tell my mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice and for those of you who are being aggressive -- please understand how painful it is for me to find this evidence. I'm not trying to butt into my parents' business. I'm just really hurt.

How does this hurt you?

OP, this seems like a flip comment but I hope you take it to heart (I'm a np). You are focused on your dad's behavior right now, but what you should be doing is considering your mom's. She's dropped plenty of hints that she knows her husband is not perfectly well behaved, and she is staying with him anyway. They are modeling something very important for you. You sound like a teenager or college age. Think about what your mom's decision to stay and forgive has meant for your family.

[Anonymous]

Exactly OP, how does this hurt you? You are presumably a grown adult who can live outside your parents shadow, can you not? You need to see a therapist if your dad supposedly cheating on your Mom in your adulthood has caused you to lose trust in ALL men. What did you think your dad is Jesus or somebody, incapable of doing no wrong? Or do you, as an adult, think that your dad represents all men?

[Anonymous]

I would tell my mother because I love her and would do anything to protect her. But before I told I would be sure I was prepared to have her live with me.

Your father is cheating on your mother.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would tell. In fact when my Mom told me of some strange happenings I confronted him and begged him to stop hurting my Mom. He was silent. As far as I know, he did stop and that was 10 years ago. No regrets, anyone I love would get my two cents in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

As a child of a notoriously hoish (is that a word?) father, I sympathize with OP. Yes it does involve her. When my father cheated on my mom we were witness to the fallout as both kids and adults. My moms stayed with my dad but leans heavily on me for support.

It's also a concern that if the marriage ends how will my mom manage on her own after being married for so many years.

One of my father's mistresses also showed up to my parents home and my siblings and the police had to get involved only because she kept doing it. So yes it can lead to drama and you can end up getting pulled into it. I would advise you tell your father to nip it in the bud, because affairs can get out of hand and lead down a path of drama.

I wish I never knew about my fathers ways, but sometimes these things do come out and they affect the entire family whether intentional or not.

[Anonymous]

My sister found out her husband was cheating the night he wrecked their car. He apparently flipped the vehicle after hitting a ditch and his passenger was injured. He told my sister he was giving a friend a ride home from work and swerved to miss hitting a deer. I'm thinking he was getting a bj and crashed into a ditch.

Problem with the story, it happened at 2 am and work ended at 5 pm.

She gave him the benefit of the doubt until 2 months later when he didn't show up at home for a week. Now his girlfriend is pregnant.

One night I googled his name and found him this website


http://www.cheaterville.com/

Why she stays with him I'll never understand. I offered her a room and a forever place, she said no.

[Anonymous]

I would say something to your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything to my mom but I would confront my dad. It's reprehensible behavior and it HAS hurt you - it has shattered your trust in men. Tell him that. He deserves to know that. Maybe it would inspire him to change.

The only thing about your mom that might tempt me to tell her if it were my mom is if she gives any hints that he is gas lighting her and she feels crazy. I thing gas lighting is even more evil than cheating. It's cruel, intentionally so. It's possible your mother suspects and is questioning herself. Knowing the truth might set her free and empower the next stage of her life. I'm not sure you know her well enough to k know, but that's my 2 cents.

THIS. The first paragraph.

(I don't know what "gas lighting" is so I can't comment on the second paragraph. After reading the "how do you pronounce pajamas" thread and taking the test, I think it's a regional term.)

You know, the STD thing is a big deal. Especially if he's going out with escorts. IF you think you should tell your mom, one good way might be to confront your dad, and tell him "I'm going to wait for x time for you to tell her, and then I'm going to tell her. And I'll make sure I find out what you said, so it better be the truth."

I had to do this when I discovered my uncle had rented a house on his ranch to a child predator who was on probation. The guy's target was young boys and my DB was planning to go up to the ranch with his family (including a young boy). oo my uncle was really mad because he felt he had it all under control and the situation was safe, but I believed my DB needed to know and make his own decision.

[Anonymous]

Gaslighting as a term is a reference to the 1940s movie "gaslight" where a husband fucked with the gas lights in the house to make them flicker and then when his wife pointed it out denied it to make her think she was going crazy.

it is not regional. it is cultural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly OP, how does this hurt you? You are presumably a grown adult who can live outside your parents shadow, can you not? You need to see a therapist if your dad supposedly cheating on your Mom in your adulthood has caused you to lose trust in ALL men. What did you think your dad is Jesus or somebody, incapable of doing no wrong? Or do you, as an adult, think that your dad represents all men?

eek, I'm 12:15 and this is not what I meant at ALL. Of course her father's behavior affects her relationships with men. What an ignorant comment. My point was for OP to think abou tall the lessons she is learning from this, not just about men but abou thow women should act in relationships. Will she want to be the kind of woman her mother is? Why did her mother decide to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly OP, how does this hurt you? You are presumably a grown adult who can live outside your parents shadow, can you not? You need to see a therapist if your dad supposedly cheating on your Mom in your adulthood has caused you to lose trust in ALL men. What did you think your dad is Jesus or somebody, incapable of doing no wrong? Or do you, as an adult, think that your dad represents all men?

eek, I'm 12:15 and this is not what I meant at ALL. Of course her father's behavior affects her relationships with men. What an ignorant comment. My point was for OP to think abou tall the lessons she is learning from this, not just about men but abou thow women should act in relationships. Will she want to be the kind of woman her mother is? Why did her mother decide to stay?

OP here. Thank you! I'm not trying to put my Dad on a pedastal, but I did think highly of him and this experience certainly forced me to think differently. I tried talking to my sister about it, but she completely and totally denied that he could have done anything. She's younger than I am by a few years and I just accepted that this isn't something she can handle emotionally. We are an extremely close family and we talk about everything, so to have something like come up is pretty shocking for us.

It definitely made me think about how I'd want to act as a woman in a relationship. I'll never know exactly why mom decided to stay (assuming she knows something happened), but assuming she did knowingly look past it, it made me reconsider whether I'd be willing to look past something similar.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe the comments that suggest someone should not be hurt to find out their father is cheating on their mother. It is not some character in a movie. I do not care how old you are --- and I am 45, thinking of a parent cheating on the other hurts.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Is this you? I just remember this post from last year (for some reason) and was just wondering if it was you and if this issue was still haunting you a year later.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/314000.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the comments that suggest someone should not be hurt to find out their father is cheating on their mother. It is not some character in a movie. I do not care how old you are --- and I am 45, thinking of a parent cheating on the other hurts.

I totally agree. I'm always surprised by the comments that adult children should never feel hurt or count on their parents for anything. I think that's strange.

[Anonymous]

OP, the following may gross you out, but it's better than thinking your father is cheating on your mother.

Visiting escort websites is not necessarily a sign that your father is cheating. It could simply be part of his own fantasy that he uses to turn himself on when he's travelling.

Escort sites are frequently full of pictures of hot women in varying states of undress and sexual poses, and the descriptions are frequently full of innuendo (at least!)

He might just be using those sites when he's by himself as an alternative to carrying a couple of magazines or watching pay-per-view on the hotel TV.

You've said you have no other evidence to support you suspicions, and if your parents had some marital issues in the part, your father may fantasize using these websites (and that may be all he is doing).

If may be that his explanation for why he was looking at those sites sounded fishy because he was trying to avoid saying something like, "I look at those sites when I whack off." (apologies, I did warn you it might gross you out)