FRUSTRATED MOM OF 28 YEAR OLD

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

The answer is, and you probably know this, but you have been enabling him. You need to cut him off (financially any how) so he can figure it out on his own. Help the mother of his child - perhaps with child care if you can swing it so that the mom gets a break- but STOP giving him money and solving his problems for him. He can't grow up unless you do.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Doesn't sound like your counseling has done a lot of good on your end.

I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money.

You mean the tools you taught him when

For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. ... I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted.

If the counselor you went to is half competent, and your description is accurate, it sounds like you did everything for your little darling and helped him become the dependent bum that he turned out to be.

Figure out a way to help with your grandchild, but stop helping your son.

[Anonymous]

There was a terrific piece in the most recent health section of WaPo on "the Millenial problem" - see if you can pull it. You are not alone - a lot of psychiatrists are seeing this. I have close friends who are going through this with their kids and they have those kids every opportunity. In some cases the issues are linked back to LDs and Aspergers, ADHD, but the WaPo piece was a generic piece from the view of professionals about Millenials in general who just are afraid of becoming adults. I clipped it for DH because it is a sign of the time. Some of the quoted psychiatrists blamed it on helicopter parenting. I think there is a lot more than that going on, but am no expert.

[Anonymous]

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

[Anonymous]

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

[Anonymous]

Does he need psychiatric help? Maybe if he becomes homeless he'll go out and get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

I don't know why you're surprised that he expects people to take care of him, since you've been enabling him for years. You need to set a deadline and explain that you will no longer be providing financial assistance to him. You can decide how you want to handle things with your granddaughter--if you're genuinely worried that she will go without necessary food, shelter, clothing, etc., you can pay for those things directly. But otherwise, stop the handouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

+1, and I am not a millennial (or a boomer). There are lazy people of all ages. If anything, I see a much larger sense of entitlement among older folks than younger ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

Another Millennial here. My XH is like your son OP, only he's 35. It's not a "millennial" thing, it's a "lazy-ass, selfish, dependent man-child who has always had mommy to bail him out (sometimes literally)" thing. They also felt guilty about his "situation" and as a result it is costing them a relationship with their grandchild. I believe they have finally cut XH off financially, but now he has no use for them any more and they only see him about 2x/yr, despite him living in the same small town. They should have cut him off years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

I have no idea where I fall in the categories (1980 birth?), but lets be honest, the idea that Gen Xers and older, who are so over-represented on DCUM, were somehow different than the next generations with what they did in their 20s is laughable. Just see what happens when someone mentions getting married and having kids in their 20s on here- everyone chimes in with all the "work" they had to do on their career, lives, travel and self before doing that and not being willing to give that up for settling down (hey, I'm one of them, but I own it).

That entirely different from being a deadbeat like is being described by OP (sorry for the harsh words OP, but its what it sounds like). But its certainly not generational. Extended adolescence (albiet with money because of working in careers/jobs) has been the norm far before the millennials!

[Anonymous]

OP, to focus just on what to do next: I haven't been there but I figure all that's left is to focus on your grandchild. Never give your son any cash of any form or buy him any item he needs (including services, such as paying to repair his car for him etc.). Always change the subject to his daughter and never engage with him when he whines or wheedles. Don't criticize his parenting because that will be useless (he thinks he's fine) and it will make him defensive. See if you can find a way to maintain and possibly even strengthen your relationship with the mom -- even if he and she break up, she is likely to get their kid, and if you want to see your grandchild you will need to have some relationship with the mom.

The fact that these two had a physical fight in your home is especially troubling. Do you think this is still going on? Is the child at any risk? Does she also have decent clothes, is she well fed, does she seem to be developing OK, does she get to the pediatrician when needed? Those are all the most urgent things to consider. She is not your own child but you may be able to help out with certain things (getting her to the pediatrician for instance) IF you and the mom have an OK relationship. Of course if things get truly dangerous or neglectful you must report it but as a somewhat estranged grandma your report might not be taken as gospel, to be really frank.

I would go see a counselor on your own, pronto. You know already that you were his enabler. That ship has sailed. Now you could work with a counselor or therapist on how to stop enabling and how to have some form of relationship so you can maintain ties to your grandchild if that is what you want. But you do need to explore this with someone professional.

I would no longer push family counseling -- if the dad and mom can't benefit from it, you as grandma have no real role there. THEY must want to do it and to change but if they do not, go on your own to understand why you kept giving and giving, and how you can find another way to relate to him as an adult -- IF that is what is best.

[Anonymous]

Stop helping them and I do mean all of them; your son, his baby mother and the child. Visit them, yes, of course but that's it. You do not need to provide for your grandchild or those two grown adults that decided to reproduce when they couldn't even care for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Here's the WaPo story from yesterday's health section. http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/why-are-so-many-millennials-depressed-a-therapist-points-the-finger-at-mom-and-dad/2014/01/06/19f4f1c4-69a1-11e3-8b5b-a77187b716a3_story.html

[Anonymous]

You're an enabler to him and his loser women.