FRUSTRATED MOM OF 28 YEAR OLD

[Anonymous]

I see lots of kids pushed into mental health issues. OP is a common example of how easily it happens. Don't you see it?

[Anonymous]

You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

The answer is, and you probably know this, but you have been enabling him. You need to cut him off (financially any how) so he can figure it out on his own. Help the mother of his child - perhaps with child care if you can swing it so that the mom gets a break- but STOP giving him money and solving his problems for him. He can't grow up unless you do.

You've got to follow this advice, OP, for your son and especially for your little grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

[Anonymous]

19:37 has the answer, OP. Please listen to her or him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

Another Millennial here. My XH is like your son OP, only he's 35. It's not a "millennial" thing, it's a "lazy-ass, selfish, dependent man-child who has always had mommy to bail him out (sometimes literally)" thing. They also felt guilty about his "situation" and as a result it is costing them a relationship with their grandchild. I believe they have finally cut XH off financially, but now he has no use for them any more and they only see him about 2x/yr, despite him living in the same small town. They should have cut him off years ago.

And you found these traits attractive enough to marry, because....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

Most get none. 2 hours is enough.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is like your son OP. We cut her off after she nearly drained our checking account with her cry me a river stories yet did nothing to change her circumstances.

It nearly killed us to do it but after 7 years of helping, we realized we were being taken advantage of and she didn't seem to care.

Is it a generational thing ? I have to say yes. My sisters and brothers, people my husband works with, my card playing lady group all deal with wayward young adults that refuse to grow up. They know everything yet can't manage their lives. It's a sad thing to see.

Hard thing to live with. We have done our share of crying and praying. I hope you see better times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the WaPo story from yesterday's health section. http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/why-are-so-many-millennials-depressed-a-therapist-points-the-finger-at-mom-and-dad/2014/01/06/19f4f1c4-69a1-11e3-8b5b-a77187b716a3_story.html

You mean some parents DO contribute to some mental health illness?? So says the article. No doubt our special needs parents here, are in a royal tizzy. They've convinced themselves that their kids are always just born with "chemical imbalances". Incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

Handouts don't help, they make things worse. The more you help, the more dependent they will become. It's always been that way, in all sorts of situations. By this point, he's likely to spend the rest of his life blaming others for where he put himself.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say I am sorry. Adding my prayers that he grows up. Any chance of you getting at least partial custody or visitation for the grandchild? You wouldn't want to see the child turn into a pawn.

[Anonymous]

It's not just a millenial problem. There are plenty of 38 year old and 48 year old guys in Generation X doing the exact same thing.

Warn your son of this now. He doesn't want to be 45, overweight, living in your basement and single because no woman will even consider him over 40 if he doesn't have a job and his own place.

He's not in a position to judge anyone else right now. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

Another Millennial here. My XH is like your son OP, only he's 35. It's not a "millennial" thing, it's a "lazy-ass, selfish, dependent man-child who has always had mommy to bail him out (sometimes literally)" thing. They also felt guilty about his "situation" and as a result it is costing them a relationship with their grandchild. I believe they have finally cut XH off financially, but now he has no use for them any more and they only see him about 2x/yr, despite him living in the same small town. They should have cut him off years ago.

So's my BIL. Don't let this happen to your son.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you call the police?

Next time you witness domestic assault to everyone a favor and BE AN ADULT.

Your son would have gotten help from getting in trouble with the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

She chose to be a single mom . Maybe her mother can help het but OP owes her nothing.