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[quote=Anonymous]OP, to focus just on what to do next: I haven't been there but I figure all that's left is to focus on your grandchild. Never give your son any cash of any form or buy him any item he needs (including services, such as paying to repair his car for him etc.). Always change the subject to his daughter and never engage with him when he whines or wheedles. Don't criticize his parenting because that will be useless (he thinks he's fine) and it will make him defensive. See if you can find a way to maintain and possibly even strengthen your relationship with the mom -- even if he and she break up, she is likely to get their kid, and if you want to see your grandchild you will need to have some relationship with the mom.

The fact that these two had a physical fight in your home is especially troubling. Do you think this is still going on? Is the child at any risk? Does she also have decent clothes, is she well fed, does she seem to be developing OK, does she get to the pediatrician when needed? Those are all the most urgent things to consider. She is not your own child but you may be able to help out with certain things (getting her to the pediatrician for instance) IF you and the mom have an OK relationship. Of course if things get truly dangerous or neglectful you must report it but as a somewhat estranged grandma your report might not be taken as gospel, to be really frank.

I would go see a counselor on your own, pronto. You know already that you were his enabler. That ship has sailed. Now you could work with a counselor or therapist on how to stop enabling and how to have some form of relationship so you can maintain ties to your grandchild if that is what you want. But you do need to explore this with someone professional.

I would no longer push family counseling -- if the dad and mom can't benefit from it, you as grandma have no real role there. THEY must want to do it and to change but if they do not, go on your own to understand why you kept giving and giving, and how you can find another way to relate to him as an adult -- IF that is what is best.[/quote]

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