FRUSTRATED MOM OF 28 YEAR OLD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a millennial, can we stop blaming this on millennials? I wasn't helicopter parented, but was an only child that received everything. I've worked hard, saved hard and made good choices (went to college and no kids before marriage). There will always be deadbeat men, but we need to force people to work harder and succeed. My parents have always advocated for hand ups not hand outs.

I am also a millennial, and I agree with this as well. There are always going to be people who mess up, regardless of how they are parented. I have so many peers who are self-directed and have done well, and honestly, hearing my older cousins' and parents' friends stories, there are plenty of Gen-Xers and baby boomers who spent their 20s goofing off and being completely directionless. If anything, more of my peers are somewhat pragmatic due to how dismal the job market is these days. Most of the issues with depression I see have to do with completely legitimate worries about finding employment.

Another Millennial here. My XH is like your son OP, only he's 35. It's not a "millennial" thing, it's a "lazy-ass, selfish, dependent man-child who has always had mommy to bail him out (sometimes literally)" thing. They also felt guilty about his "situation" and as a result it is costing them a relationship with their grandchild. I believe they have finally cut XH off financially, but now he has no use for them any more and they only see him about 2x/yr, despite him living in the same small town. They should have cut him off years ago.

And you found these traits attractive enough to marry, because....

Because I married him less than a year after meeting him and was too dumb, young and naive to understand who he really was. I met him at 23, married and had a kid at 24, and left him at 25. It didn't take me very long to realize what a mistake I'd made, but by that point, I already had a child to protect and support. 5 years after leaving him, he is $15K behind in child support and hasn't seen his kid in almost 3 years.

OP, what one of the posters said earlier was what my xILs finally did. Before I left XH, they would sneak groceries, formula and diapers to me because they knew that if they gave us money, he'd waste it and if he found out they were giving me those things, he'd flip out. Things were very, very ugly during the divorce and immediately after, but now we have a cautious but cordial relationship and they come visit 2x a year. They send cards and pictures to DS, pay directly for 'extras' like karate and summer camp (I don't allow them to pay for necessities, those are my responsibility) and keep their focus on their grandchild. They tried interventions and counseling with XH, I tried marriage counseling with him, even his lawyer and our judge have read him the riot act, nothing has ever sunk in. He is a lost cause. All of us have come to that realization and now just work around him instead of through him.

If your son hasn't grown up by now, he likely never will. You cannot force him to man up, that has to come from him. He is an adult, even if he doesn't act like one, and you have no control over his behavior. Trying to change him will only cause YOU more grief. Shift your focus to your granddaughter (if you want to continue a relationship with her). See what you can do without having to go through your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

She chose to be a single mom . Maybe her mother can help het but OP owes her nothing.

No one owes you anything either. Grandparents typically care about their grandchildren, FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

She chose to be a single mom . Maybe her mother can help het but OP owes her nothing.

No one owes you anything either. Grandparents typically care about their grandchildren, FYI.

+1 It's not owed, but I would NOT stop helping my grandchild. Like a pp said, I would buy specific items and help with childcare a few hours a week - same way I would a child who is financially stable and has my grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he need psychiatric help? Maybe if he becomes homeless he'll go out and get a job.

This. Show me some tough love.

May I ask where your sons father is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling him and need to stop supporting him. If you'd like to continue supporting the grandchild, I would purchase very specific items (I.e. a case of diapers) and limit babysitting to every once in a while - or, at the most, a regular 2 hours every week.

A single mom needs more than 2 hrs a week of help.

She chose to be a single mom . Maybe her mother can help het but OP owes her nothing.

This is still her grandchild *smh* She probably likes having her grandchild around.

[Anonymous]

Stop giving him money, buying him cars and enabling him. When there is no one to fall back on, he will figure it out himself. If you don't do it now, you will blink, and your loser 40 year old son will still be mooching off you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if any other parents goes through this but I am so disappointed with my son and so frustrated with him. He definitely didn't turn out how I expected. He's lazy, doesn't work, lives off his baby's mother and always wants us to take care of him. For YEARS I felt guilty about his situation and would help him and give him money, got him jobs, helped him get a car. EVERY weekend I keep his daughter and help her mom with expenses since my son is not working. He is always playing the victim, I'm so sick of it! I mean I've given him the tools he needs to be successful out here, work and take care of his daugther but he still wants somebody to keep catering to him and giving him money. He blames everybody for his problems. I even let him stay with me rent free when him and his girlfriend got evicted. They were there 2 days and got into a physical fight so I made them leave. I'm just beyond frustrated. I've prayed about it over and over and over again, we even tried family counseling but nothing works! He has a daugther who is 2 and he won't even get motivated for her. I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to just cut this relationship off. I feel like he is a loser and I know that's an awful thing to say about your own child but I'm all out of options.

The answer is, and you probably know this, but you have been enabling him. You need to cut him off (financially any how) so he can figure it out on his own. Help the mother of his child - perhaps with child care if you can swing it so that the mom gets a break- but STOP giving him money and solving his problems for him. He can't grow up unless you do.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop giving him money, buying him cars and enabling him. When there is no one to fall back on, he will figure it out himself. If you don't do it now, you will blink, and your loser 40 year old son will still be mooching off you.

TRUE! THANK YOU!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he need psychiatric help? Maybe if he becomes homeless he'll go out and get a job.

This. Show me some tough love.

May I ask where your sons father is?

Unfortunately my son's father is not a very good father and never has been. He has his own demons and my son doesn't even respect him or himself. It's just a bad situation all the way around and I think I over compensated monetarily since he had such a bad father figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is like your son OP. We cut her off after she nearly drained our checking account with her cry me a river stories yet did nothing to change her circumstances.

It nearly killed us to do it but after 7 years of helping, we realized we were being taken advantage of and she didn't seem to care.

Is it a generational thing ? I have to say yes. My sisters and brothers, people my husband works with, my card playing lady group all deal with wayward young adults that refuse to grow up. They know everything yet can't manage their lives. It's a sad thing to see.

Hard thing to live with. We have done our share of crying and praying. I hope you see better times.

Thank you! I feel better knowing I'm not the only parent going through this!

[Anonymous]

It's so hard, OP. We want to give our children everything to make them happy. But by doing so, we don't allow them to build the skills they need to do it themselves.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like your son, and he still has some of those lazy tendencies. They drive me crazy sometimes!

I had to finally tell his mom to cut us off and ask US for help when she needs it to give him some responsibility because he needed to grow up. He has no idea we had this conversation and probably never will. It is not fun at times because he is not one to take on babysitting (or should we just call it parenting?) when I have to work late or on weekends - but it has at least helped him understand he's an adult and he's getting better.

Cut the cord and let her know what's going on! She probably feels the same way

[Anonymous]

Does he have any job skills? What type of jobs has he had in the past?

I do think you have been enabling him but the economy is really though right now too.

He needs to be pragmatic and find a career. Can you help him find a career or will he resent you? What does he want to do to make a living?

[Anonymous]

PP here..Are you concerned about drug use? I have found that many young adults who can't seem to get it together are drug users (daily pot smokers, heavy drinkers, and/or hard drugs).

Are you sure this is not the case? Never ever enable a drug user.