Just letting things go

[Anonymous]

So, how easy is it for you to just let go of things with your spouse? I feel like when we have disagreements or hurt each other, those things usually need to be resolved.

Example: he got an email from a friend the other day asking him to go out for a beer. He asked me if I wanted to come, and assured me that I was welcome. This was at a bar that I do not frequent, because it's loud and kind of a dump. But I thought it would be fun to hang out with dh, and also catch up with the friend. When we arrived, the friend was actually there with a group of people, whom I have never met. I sat down at the table, and dh and his friend stood up together in conversation that didn't include me. I made chitty chat with the people at the table, which was perfectly pleasant. However, small talk with strangers isn't a lot of fun for me, as I am an introvert, so it's actually sort of tiring. After an hour, I had pretty much had enough and had finished my drink, so I got up and asked dh if he thought he could get a ride home. His buddy apologized for "abandoning me" but dh said nothing about it. I made my exit.
DH came home about 2 hours later and I waited up. First thing, I apologized for leaving him without a car, and I expected that would start a quick discussion including apologies on both sides. It wasn't that big of a deal, but I felt he didn't look out for me, and that he had probably misjudged from the get go whether I should be invited. I really thought a 10 minute conversation would clear the air. He just shrugged off the inconvenience of being stranded and made off to go to bed. Now I'm pissed, so I said (a little emotionally), "you know it hurt my feelings that you just ignored me at the bar, but it hurts my feelings mostly that you have said nothing about it." He said, "I didn't realize I was ignoring you. Sorry." and then he went to bed.
I thought I deserved a little more airing of what went wrong. I realize it's over now, but it's still stuck in my craw. This is a pretty common pattern; I try to communicate what's bothering me, and I feel like my feelings are belittled or at least not validated. Then we just wait it out, and I get over it.
So, would you have just accepted what he said as an apology, considered the matter resolved, and moved on?

[Anonymous]

He did apologize to you.

You were invited to come hang out a bar with husband and a friend. there were other people there. husband talked with friend and didn't include you while they caught up. you talked to people for an hour and left.

husband didnt care you took the car and left him stranded

then you complained to husband

he apologized

and now you're still upset?

good thing this is what you have to worry about!

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with you, OP, I really do. It sounds like this is not an isolated incident and should not be judged as such. If this was an isolated incident, I would say that you're being overly sensitive and should probably accept his apology at face value (even if it did seem half-hearted to you) and forget about it. But, it's clear that this isn't the first time your DH has left you feeling invalidated in your emotions.

I understand why you went, despite the fact that you describe yourself as an introvert. Anyone, introvert or not, would probably feel comfortable going to a bar with their husband and a mutual friend to catch up over a few drinks. It was the fact that your friend brought a group of people that caught you off guard and made you feel uncomfortable. I'm assuming DH knows that you're an introvert and that you might experience some social anxiety in situations such as this. If I was in that situation, I would hope that my DH would at least offer a few words of comfort based on the circumstances and knowing my personality.

It's clear that you're not really upset about this particular incident, but the fact that it seems to be a pattern. If you do decide to further the conversation with your DH, maybe you could be very direct with him and say something like "I really appreciated the fact that I was invited. I really am sorry I left early, but you know that I get uncomfortable in situations like that. You're a social guy, so you might not understand where I'm coming from and I can see how you might think I'm over-reacting, but I really am very introverted and I don't like the feelings of anxiety I get in large crowds and social situations. It would really make me feel much better if you could offer a few words of encouragement when you sense that I'm getting nervous or not having a good time."

Hope everything works out for you!

[Anonymous]

Why would an introvert go to a busy bar?

My DH and I work so well together because we know when we need to be separate. He does his thing, I do mine.

he HATES big groups and hates bars. I'm very social. I don't want to have to babysit him (which is what it's like hanging out with an introvert in a large group). I also hate golf, he loves to be on a golf course on a Saturday with 3 other people. I don't come with him there and he does not ask me to come.

Just don't put yourself in a situation that will make you uncomfortable. Problem solved. Just come together socially where is makes sense and be separate where needed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you 10:23.
Just to be clear, I don't have social anxiety and didn't feel anxious talking to other people. It's just not that much fun for me, not like hanging out with a couple of people I know. (FWIW my dh is exactly the same way. Introverted, not anti-social.)
You're right it's not about this episode. We are fundamentally different, I guess, in how best to resolve disagreements. I want my experience validated and my feelings heard. I think that's just what I need to tell him.

[Anonymous]

You sound extremely sensitive, and you also sound like you have a script of how you want and need every situation to play out, or you are not validated. This must be exhausting for you and everyone else in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you 10:23.
Just to be clear, I don't have social anxiety and didn't feel anxious talking to other people. It's just not that much fun for me, not like hanging out with a couple of people I know. (FWIW my dh is exactly the same way. Introverted, not anti-social.)
You're right it's not about this episode. We are fundamentally different, I guess, in how best to resolve disagreements. I want my experience validated and my feelings heard. I think that's just what I need to tell him.

he heard you. he said sorry. he acknowledged how you felt.


but your problem is that he didnt do it deeply enough or with enough emotion to make you satisfied.

he seems pretty chill in that he didnt even care that you left him stranded (your own words)

you may be an introvert - but it sounds like you need to suck the emotional energy of your partner

[Anonymous]

You should let this go.

You shouldn't have gone, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Yes, let it go. And to be honest, in this case you do sound a bit childish, high maintenance, and needy. Your husband was very nice about it. I'd be annoyed if I was meeting up with a girlfriend and my husband came along and then expected me to babysit him. And then, if he wanted to hash it out and make me apologize for nothing when I got home? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ok, ok, ok, I hear you--esteemed voices of DCUM. I get it. Over sensitive. Letting it go.

[Anonymous]

I find that I get pissed about this kind of stuff only in the week before my period. I hold my tongue and mention it if it's still bothering me after 5 days.

[Anonymous]

Maybe figure out why it bothered you so much. Write it out. Address your feelings. Therapy never hurts. Your feelings are valid but sometimes if we were emotionally healthier, those things wouldn't matter as much or at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, "you are responsible for your own entertainment" is valuable advice my mother gave me before I got married and it has helped me tremendously in my marriage/social life.

Even if you go out with hubby, friends, or whomever, you should be able to entertain yourself if the posse abandons you. That is the only way you don't get bored/angry/irritated. This spills over to your home life too. If DH is not around for whatever reason, staying up whining about being bored is not the way to go. Be your own clown, make yourself laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, ok, ok, I hear you--esteemed voices of DCUM. I get it. Over sensitive. Letting it go.

Not that so much, OP. The thing is, a friend invite day our husband out to a place you know you don't like. Your husband, perhaps intuiting that you didn't want to feel left out (which is a whole other issue), invited you to go. You went, you didn't like it, you took the car home, you were clearly annoyed that your husband stayed out later, you made a kind of big emotional deal out of the while thing, he apologized, and it wasn't enough for you. And you're not happy with how he handled it, but you've conceded that you may have overreacted. He can't make you feel validated. You have to understand that.

How old are you and how long have you been married? Do you have children? My husband and I were both more like this when we were younger and more insecure. Now we are much more willing to give each other space and much less likely to overreact to things. Plus we both realize that feelings of validation can really only come from within ourselves. We all have to learn to meet our own needs, not expect others to do that for us.

[Anonymous]

You sound extremely sensitive, and you also sound like you have a script of how you want and need every situation to play out, or you are not validated. This must be exhausting for you and everyone else in your life."

This is possibly the case. Personally, I hate talking about things late at night. If I'd been the one who came home late, I wouldn't want to engage in a discussion about it right then.