Dealing with a Shopaholic MIL

[Anonymous]

We don't have kids yet (although we are thinking about TTC soon) but spending time with my inlaws got me thinking. My MIL has serious problems with being a shopaholic, a bit of a hoarder, and just incredibly materialistic when it comes to collecting junk. She is massively in debt because she can't stop buying toys and clothes for her grandchildren. She loves to spoil my nieces and nephew, but to the point where it is really a problem. My SIL is just incredibly frustrated because she is overwhelmed by the volume of toys in her house (she has to do regular good will runs just to keep the house livable because my MIL will literally buy the kids a new toy nearly every day...and then they get into fights over that), she can't set any boundaries with her kids because if she tries to my MIL will undercut them, and the kids will literally be watching TV and point to something in a commercial and ask for it and my MIL will buy it. My MIL thinks that the kids should be able to wear a new outfit every day...I'm not even kidding. My SIL has tried asking for her to start college accounts for the kids instead of buying so much stuff, but my MIL doesn't see the value of it (my husband's family all went to college on pell grants, scholarships, and loans, one on ROTC, all in state) because she doesn't really understand money and she sees paying for college as not parents/grandparents responsibility. I imagine one saving grace for us is that we don't live nearby so if she wants to buy stuff for our kids she will have to ship it, but my god. I think it is wonderful that she is so doting and loving and generous, but it is to the point where the best of intentions are just misguided because a) she is in an awful financial situation and b) my SIL struggles with getting her kids to appreciate presents and gifts, deal with hearing no, etc.

Does anyone have in-laws or parents like this? What are your strategies for dealing with it? Right now my plan is to continue living far away from my in-laws just to get some distance from it, unlike my SIL who only lives an hour away.

[Anonymous]

Ae you my SIL? I'd guess yes except my MIL ships the stuff.

It's hard. Tried a hundred times to be light and nice about it. Finally said that gifts arriving to the house would be donated, and that if she kept bringing hundreds of gifts with each visit, we'd start limiting her visits. I'm sure I'll be called awful but MIL went beyond spoiling - it was almost a mental illness. She bought several thousand gifts / toys for my children a year. She's wealthy and was almost encouraging my kids to treat things as disposable - when DS remarked that we don't have any room for new gifts, all on his own, MIL told him he could throw away anything older than a month and she'd buy new. DH told her several times to ease up, with no reduction in the gifts, so I had to drop the hammer.

FWIW, I do like her, but our relationship suffered when I put my foot down. Unfortunately, it was VERY necessary. It was becoming a real problem for me, kids sad that the dozens of gifts that would arrive each week would be donated, me annoyed at making a good will run literally once a week, plus setting me up to be the bad guy. As it is, we can barely walk through the house due to the gifts we already have kept. I don't regret putting an end to it one bit. She still sends packages from time to time - we allow one small gift per in-person visit and one package a month. It still feels like WAY too much, but that's the compromise that allowed us to retain some relationship with them.

Oddly enough, FIL is a minimalist - he has very few "things" and repairs rather than replaces, etc. But MIL buys enough for 50 people...

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I'll be called awful but MIL went beyond spoiling - it was almost a mental illness.

OP here. Yes, that is exactly how I would describe it. It's like this pathological need to get stuff for the kids that is completely insatiable and out of control.

[Anonymous]

Can you send her our way and she adopt us? My mom rarely buys anything and then keeps the new toys at her house, which our kids rarely go to (a few minutes away).

[Anonymous]

I'm not minimizing your post or question at all, but does your MIL have any retirement plan? If she's in debt now, what is her plan for later in life? My MIL also buys too much and is a hoarder, but not to the degree you experience. I am terrified her money will run out and people will expect our financially responsible family to take care of her. DH says it's not going to happen but I still worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you send her our way and she adopt us? My mom rarely buys anything and then keeps the new toys at her house, which our kids rarely go to (a few minutes away).

You have absolutely no understanding of the situation. I am sorry your mom is a pain, but that is not relevant here.

OP, when you get pregnant, DH (and possibly you too) need to make it clear that what is happening with SIL will not be ok with you. At the first hint of any of this heading your way, say something. Be clear. She won't understand because she is mentally ill, but let it be known that you have a limit. You and DH should decide what that is ahead of time. Let your resistance be known early, let whatever crap go down that has to go down before your kid is old enough to know what is going on and you are stuck being the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

I'm not minimizing your post or question at all, but does your MIL have any retirement plan? If she's in debt now, what is her plan for later in life? My MIL also buys too much and is a hoarder, but not to the degree you experience. I am terrified her money will run out and people will expect our financially responsible family to take care of her. DH says it's not going to happen but I still worry.

DH and I have talked about it, and this is something we seriously worry about as well. My FIL is the one who manages most of the finances, pays the mortgage, etc. and money has always been a huge point of stress in their relationship--to the point know where they have completely separate bank accounts. I think the only reason they haven't gotten divorced is a combination of their religious convictions and the fact that my MIL doesn't know how to manage money at all and she is scared of having to deal with bills, housing, etc. alone. Oddly enough, like the other PP, my FIL is very frugal. Right now they are both still working and they don't have any plan for retirement. I think their plan is work until they are physically unable and then collect disability and live off of social security (they live in a low cost of living area). I seriously foresee us and/or my two SILs' families having to take care of her in old age and the notion of having her move in with us is terrifying.

[Anonymous]

15:23 here. Can you or DH (or DH and SIL) have a conversation with them about their later-in-life plans? Not only do you not want them in your home (as you have said), but I would imagine you would not be pleased paying for them after a lifetime of irresponsibility. I don't have an answer for you but I'm scared for both of us! Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. I hope other PPs have good strategies for minimizing her gifts.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any family nearly that bad but we are pretty strict about what we keep. My family just generally knows we aren't keeping things we don't like. When I saw no toys with plastic or batteries, we don't keep toys with plastic or batteries. The grandparents know this and occasionally my mom tries to get us to forget it but we don't. Honestly, I think they don't want to spend money on things we won't keep. I think if she knows that you aren't willing to keep that many things and that you have firm rules in your house, she will eventually listen. We also said when we were pregnant that we didn't want a lot of stuff so people had been hearing that for awhile from us so they just kinda knew.
My sister wishes she was firm like we are about that stuff but she isn't and so she is stuck with too many toys that she doesn't want. I think if you are firm from the beginning, it will take care of itself. If you aren't, she will run over you like she does your SIL.
You can also explain to her any of your reasons that you don't want your kids to have a toy the second they ask for it, the reasons you don't want too many toys in the house, etc. And when she ignores you and buys anyway, you can be a broken record reminding her what you already told her and that is the reason you won't be keeping x gift.

[Anonymous]

I have literally put my arm out and physically blocked MIL from handing my son a toy, while saying "Thank you, but we just can't accept this, for all the reasons I've told you in the past. Thank you, but no thank you."

I'd warned my son it was going to happen so he was prepared. My daughter was also prepped in advance and decided to become an academy award winning actress and pulled out a chin tremble before busting out with, "I just want to spend TIME with you, Grandma! Can't we just bake, or read books, or knit together?" She was 6 at the time, and DH and I were like, "Holy shit, we're moving to Hollywood STAT!"

I had to do it a few more times, and she did try to "sneak" the kids toys when she thought I couldn't see it, but they were on board and understood we were helping her so they would say, "Thanks Grandma, but I don't want toys from you, I just want to hang out together." We did this over a summer, and it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have literally put my arm out and physically blocked MIL from handing my son a toy, while saying "Thank you, but we just can't accept this, for all the reasons I've told you in the past. Thank you, but no thank you."

I'd warned my son it was going to happen so he was prepared. My daughter was also prepped in advance and decided to become an academy award winning actress and pulled out a chin tremble before busting out with, "I just want to spend TIME with you, Grandma! Can't we just bake, or read books, or knit together?" She was 6 at the time, and DH and I were like, "Holy shit, we're moving to Hollywood STAT!"

I had to do it a few more times, and she did try to "sneak" the kids toys when she thought I couldn't see it, but they were on board and understood we were helping her so they would say, "Thanks Grandma, but I don't want toys from you, I just want to hang out together." We did this over a summer, and it worked.

Love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm sure I'll be called awful but MIL went beyond spoiling - it was almost a mental illness.

OP here. Yes, that is exactly how I would describe it. It's like this pathological need to get stuff for the kids that is completely insatiable and out of control.

OP, this may or may not be the case, but I just wanted to say -- compulsive shopping can be a sign of real mental illness. That is something your husband should consider and look into if things are out of control.

Wild spending can be a sign of the manic side of bipolar disorder. I have a friend who is bipolar, and before she was diagnosed and treated, she would spend frantically when in a manic stage, to the point she had huge debts, unopened boxes in her closets, unworn clothes hanging with tags still on them. If at that time she had had children, I am sure she would have shopped like this for them as well. Another friend, a guy, also spent when manic -- bought his wife tons of gifts that weren't her style "just because" and that clued in wife that something was going on....

So it's worth being aware that this kind of spending can be a red flag. Maybe sit down with your husband and other family members and think together about other signs you see.

And at a less grave level, overspending and giving many gifts can just make some people feel they are more worthy -- if she has always had self-esteem issues she might feel (without knowing she even feels this way) that if she doesn't lavish material stuff on everyone, she doesn't matter to anyone, including herself. \

Others are right when they say that your husband and his family need to talk to Mom about having money for her later years, but that won't do much good if she has a true addiction to shopping or is doing it as a manifestation of something else like bipolar. She won't just wake up when confronted and say, "Oh, you're so right! My golden years -- I will stop buying stuff today and start saving immediately!" She can utter the words to placate her adult kids but she'll likely be thinking, "Just a few things for this grandchild, a few for that one...."

[Anonymous]

OP, this may or may not be the case, but I just wanted to say -- compulsive shopping can be a sign of real mental illness. That is something your husband should consider and look into if things are out of control.

Wild spending can be a sign of the manic side of bipolar disorder. I have a friend who is bipolar, and before she was diagnosed and treated, she would spend frantically when in a manic stage, to the point she had huge debts, unopened boxes in her closets, unworn clothes hanging with tags still on them. If at that time she had had children, I am sure she would have shopped like this for them as well. Another friend, a guy, also spent when manic -- bought his wife tons of gifts that weren't her style "just because" and that clued in wife that something was going on....

So it's worth being aware that this kind of spending can be a red flag. Maybe sit down with your husband and other family members and think together about other signs you see.

And at a less grave level, overspending and giving many gifts can just make some people feel they are more worthy -- if she has always had self-esteem issues she might feel (without knowing she even feels this way) that if she doesn't lavish material stuff on everyone, she doesn't matter to anyone, including herself. \

Others are right when they say that your husband and his family need to talk to Mom about having money for her later years, but that won't do much good if she has a true addiction to shopping or is doing it as a manifestation of something else like bipolar. She won't just wake up when confronted and say, "Oh, you're so right! My golden years -- I will stop buying stuff today and start saving immediately!" She can utter the words to placate her adult kids but she'll likely be thinking, "Just a few things for this grandchild, a few for that one...."

I don't think she is bipolar, because she doesn't really have depressive crashes or other signs of bipolar disorder and she has more or less been like this all the time, even when they were kids. I think it is the second thing--buying gifts and lavishing material stuff on everyone makes herself feel worthy. She loves feeling needed, and now that her kids are grown, she focuses that attention on her grandkids. She doesn't really get that much joy out of buying stuff for herself--just collecting saving any "antique" from her parents house and so on, even if it is falling apart and useless (hence the hoarding). More, she has just had a really unfufilling marriage, my FIL is not very affectionate and can be controlling and verbally abusive. I think it is totally a self-esteem thing that makes her feel good and like she is being extra-loving and needed.

My husband has been trying to get his mother to change her spending habits since he was about 12 years old. It is in one ear and out the other, because it is a serious, pathological compulsion to buy stuff, so talking to her is a lost cause. She will either say that we are treating her like she's in therapy, or she'll say a few words to placate us and keep doing what she's doing. For now, she has some place to live and my FIL deals with the bills, and they are both a little under 60 and reasonably healthy, so we won't necessarily have to deal with the consequences of her fiscal irresponsibility for a while. Since there is no changing her behavior, there is no sense to worrying about something that is out of our control until we have to.

FWIW I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She is very loving and I am very fond of her. I just worry that a lot of stuff I can shrug off because it doesn't really impact me now, but over time especially once we have kids, it will be a different story.

[Anonymous]

This is my mom and the only way I've found to deal with it is to take the stuff to goodwill or give it away to pregnant friends. My kids are young enough that they don't realize it yet but I shudder at the thought of when they can understand that the new toys are being given away. I agree that it sets you up to be the fall guy with your kids and I think some of the grandparents (specifically my mom) do this on purpose so they can be the fun grandparent who never has to say no.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for her to channel this into some sort of charity? Maybe start her own one-woman Toys for Tots collection chapter? Contribute to Head Start programs, bettered women shelter, homeless kids programs?