Anyone else struggling - bad memories of Christmas growing up?

[Anonymous]

Holiday/birthdays are hard for me. My father was a violent/abusive man that would go on rages every 4-6 days. If it'd been 7 days since a rage, we were on eggshells because we knew a big one was coming. The rages would usually last 2-3 days, 5 if it was bad. My mother, well, for a long time I thought my mom was a victim like my siblings and I but after I had my own kids I realized how she had failed us. She had a profession (RN) and supportive family. Don't know why she didn't do what she was supposed to and protect us but that's another post.

I struggle with holidays/birthdays because they were ruined so frequently. We learned the hard way that there was no point in getting excited or hopes up because we'd just be disappointed and hurt. The old man would throw the turkey to the dogs, smash all the Christmas bulbs and/or knock over the tree. Birthday cakes were thrown out into the backyard. My younger brother and I learned Santa wasn't real when we were woken at 10pm Christmas eve and made to open all our Christmas presents - the old man raging and bellowing how Santa didn't bring gifts, parents bought them. And, we had to thank him for the gifts - all of which my mother had purchased, not him.

Therapy has helped as has having kids of my own and trying to 're-make' the holidays. I like celebrating my kids' birthdays and I love how they still believe in Santa (the oldest is 10). But, inevitably, something happens that triggers these old negative feelings and puts me in a funk. This year, the trigger was candy canes. I'd forgotten that Santa usually puts the candy canes on our tree and purchased some. The kids had fun putting them on but wondered what Santa would think. I had the bright idea of secretly getting some of those colored candy canes and, when the kids were in bed, swapping them for the red/white ones we'd put on. Pretty cool trick, huh? I had to work this week but before going in today, I stopped by two grocery stores and the dollar store to pick them up. Couldn't find any. DH is home with the kids this week and I knew he was going to the grocery (we have like 4 grocery stores near us) and I asked him if he'd pick them up. I explained why I wanted them and he said no problem. He wasn't going to go to the store with the kids so they'd be easy to get. When I got home, the candy canes were on top the kitchen counter. The kids had all seen them. I asked him why he put them on the counter, didn't he realize I was going to swap them out tonight? He'd forgotten. I felt so sad and let down. Just like when I was growing up.

I know my DH didn't do this on purpose. I know it was a mistake. This isn't about candy canes. This is anticipating - looking forward - to something fun and exciting only to have it yanked away. It was this year's trigger. In that moment, all the negativity, anger, sadness and pain pounce on me. I watch my kids decorating cookies for Santa (they're so excited) and I feel grief. It's like a full blown depression has descended upon me and I'm just going through the motions. The rapidity at which this hits me is stunning. I go from actually enjoying the preparations to wanting to isolate myself. It'll be over by tomorrow and I'll be myself again but I hate these feelings. They're like a jack in the box. I'm cranking along and everything is going fine until that crucial spot is hit and they come springing out. I'd go back to therapy if I thought it'd do any good. I have the 'tools' I need and I'll get back in control soon enough. I just wish I could exorcise them. Anyone else? Who else struggles like this? Tell your story. I know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

You have to fight to put that aside and make happy memories. You can't change what happened but you can change the way you react. When it comes up, count to 5, smile and move on.

Don't live in the past hon. Let it go. Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have the same experience but I did suffer a loss that hits me especially hard at the holidays, and things can be rolling along until there's a trigger that takes me back there. It's a testament to your strength and perseverance that you've been able to create your own family and try to have happy holidays with them. Remember that you are not responsible for your father's actions.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you rate these upsets. Put the shit with your dad at a ten. Where would you rate this candy cane snafu?

Maybe that will help you realize not all disappointments are the same.

[Anonymous]

sorry OP. that must be hard, like really really hard. guess what though? it is still Christmas eve, so get creative and maybe do something else even more clever if you think it would help.

I am bad at ideas, but a special santa letter or silly thing you can think of. you have to let the candy cane thing go and maybe the easiest way is replacing it.

I know none of that erases the bad feelings or the childhood wave of feelings that come with the season, but you've come so far. you don't want to let one thing ruin it.

[Anonymous]

I was raised with a very similar father. A lot of what you posted resonated with me. My child is a newborn, so haven't had any feelings play out like this on a holiday, but I totally get it.

[Anonymous]

You have not repeated the cycle of violence with your children. That is the best gift you could ever give them.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. I did not have this experience but was raised in a profoundly dysfunctional environment and Christmas is hell for me. We have a DC and I try for her and DH but I live in dread and right now am up trying to psych myself up for it: we are traveling to my parents' later where I fully expect the dysfunction to come roaring back. As a PP said, you have given your children the best gift of all -- you've broken the cycle. Peace to you and congratulations for your courage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to fight to put that aside and make happy memories. You can't change what happened but you can change the way you react. When it comes up, count to 5, smile and move on.

Don't live in the past hon. Let it go. Merry Christmas.

This PP offers terrible advice. If OP could turn off the triggers, I'm certain she would do just that.

Triggers suck. They open up a flood of unpleasant feelings. I have found journaling to be helpful. There's really nothing you can do but sort out the feelings as they come and try to move past them. It seems easier to me to deal since I accepted it is just going to keep happening. It's not as offensive and I spend less energy getting mad that it is happening again.

[Anonymous]

But you are repeating the cycle at Christmas now. Your family knows you are upset and your kids will remember that every Christmas you spent upset.

Get Xanax. Take it at the holidays. Don't try and get through without medication.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist suggest for getting through those trigger moments? What is your method for dealing with them--is there a mantra you can tell yourself or something you can do when you feel it coming on? One PP suggested journaling.

[Anonymous]

OP, I see no reason not to take a break when a trigger hits, go sit in a room alone, and grieve for that child and her brother and all their hope and innocence. Nobody should be put through what you've been put through, and pretending it didn't happen would be insanity.

Sit, think, feel - then think about your kids, about how HARD you've worked to create a different life from yours, how much you've changed and how different your new family looks. Give yourself credit for it. You've done an amazing job.

Stop expecting yourself to be 100% after the childhood you lived. You may never be. But give yourself credit for how far you've come and the hopeful person you are now. You've given an amazing gift to your kids.

I'm never going to be 100%. But instead of dwelling on those lost percentiles, I give myself credit for being 90%. It's a lot. I've earned it and it came hard. Nobody can take that from me.

Merry Christmas OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm the person who wrote the dad acts like a 5 year old thread. I completely understand triggers, though the sadness I feel is nothing compared to what you have endured. Merry Christmas OP. A lot of times people who faced abuse as children feel like they have to be perfect as adults. You don't need to be perfect. It's okay to grieve and its okay to not be perfect.

[Anonymous]

Sending warm thoughts your way, OP. I hope the day went well. Please consider returning to therapy. A refresher or a new perspective with a different therapist may help you continue to thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you are repeating the cycle at Christmas now. Your family knows you are upset and your kids will remember that every Christmas you spent upset.

Get Xanax. Take it at the holidays. Don't try and get through without medication.

NP here. This is bullshit, you are NOT repeating the cycle now, do not EVER let someone put this on you. You are doing amazing things to care for yourself and your family, and your kids will be healthy and happy because of what your commitment to them and yourselves. Your kids are old enough for you (or your husband) to be able to say to them, "Mom had a hard time at the holidays as a kid, sometimes she feels a little sad when she remembers it." As they get older, be honest with them: your dad used to hit you, it was scary in your house, you always felt nervous, and sometimes those feelings come back even though your life now is not like that. Will they understand in the sense that they know exactly what it's like to live in fear in a chaotic, violent household? I am sure OP prays to God every single day for that to never be the case. Will they see how hard you are working and how much you love them? Absolutely. The more (age-appropriate) honesty you give them, the more they will have the opportunity to learn compassion and know that your family is a safe place for ALL emotions, theirs included.

I grew up in a very similar home and struggle with similar issues, so you are absolutely not alone, OP. Let yourself have your feelings, that is the only way they are going to end; they are coming back now because you have decades of blocking them because it wasn't safe to feel them. You have so much rage and sadness inside, it is understandable that it will trickle out when it can. Grieve for yourself, for the child you were and the way it comes up now, and then let it go in the moment if you can. This is the work of a lifetime and you are doing it, that is the piece of gold in the middle of the crap. You are NOT like your parents, you are NOT repeating that dynamic, and you are healing by parenting your own children differently and giving yourself the stable home life you didn't have as a child (even if your role is as a parent now).

I hope you were able to be kind with yourself and had a lovely Christmas.