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[quote=Anonymous]Holiday/birthdays are hard for me.  My father was a violent/abusive man that would go on rages every 4-6 days.  If it'd been 7 days since a rage, we were on eggshells because we knew a big one was coming.  The rages would usually last 2-3 days, 5 if it was bad.  My mother, well, for a long time I thought my mom was a victim like my siblings and I but after I had my own kids I realized how she had failed us.  She had a profession (RN) and supportive family.  Don't know why she didn't do what she was supposed to and protect us but that's another post.

I struggle with holidays/birthdays because they were ruined so frequently.  We learned the hard way that there was no point in getting excited or hopes up because we'd just be disappointed and hurt.  The old man would throw the turkey to the dogs, smash all the Christmas bulbs and/or knock over the tree.  Birthday cakes were thrown out into the backyard.  My younger brother and I learned Santa wasn't real when we were woken at 10pm Christmas eve and made to open all our Christmas presents - the old man raging and bellowing how Santa didn't bring gifts, parents bought them.  And, we had to thank him for the gifts - all of which my mother had purchased, not him.

Therapy has helped as has having kids of my own and trying to 're-make' the holidays.  I like celebrating my kids' birthdays and I love how they still believe in Santa (the oldest is 10).  But, inevitably, something happens that triggers these old negative feelings and puts me in a funk.  This year, the trigger was candy canes.  I'd forgotten that Santa usually puts the candy canes on our tree and purchased some.  The kids had fun putting them on but wondered what Santa would think.  I had the bright idea of secretly getting some of those colored candy canes and, when the kids were in bed, swapping them for the red/white ones we'd put on.  Pretty cool trick, huh? I had to work this week but before going in today, I stopped by two grocery stores and the dollar store to pick them up.  Couldn't find any.  DH is home with the kids this week and I knew he was going to the grocery (we have like 4 grocery stores near us) and I asked him if he'd pick them up.  I explained why I wanted them and he said no problem.  He wasn't going to go to the store with the kids so they'd be easy to get. When I got home, the candy canes were on top the kitchen counter.  The kids had all seen them.  I asked him why he put them on the counter, didn't he realize I was going to swap them out tonight?  He'd forgotten.  I felt so sad and let down.  Just like when I was growing up.

I know my DH didn't do this on purpose.  I know it was a mistake. This isn't about candy canes.  This is anticipating - looking forward - to something fun and exciting only to have it yanked away. It was this year's trigger.  In that moment, all the negativity, anger, sadness and pain pounce on me.  I watch my kids decorating cookies for Santa (they're so excited) and I feel grief.  It's like a full blown depression has descended upon me and I'm just going through the motions.  The rapidity at which this hits me is stunning.  I go from actually enjoying the preparations to wanting to isolate myself.  It'll be over by tomorrow and I'll be myself again but I hate these feelings.  They're like a jack in the box.  I'm cranking along and everything is going fine until that crucial spot is hit and they come springing out.  I'd go back to therapy if I thought it'd do any good.  I have the 'tools' I need and I'll get back in control soon enough.  I just wish I could exorcise them.  Anyone else?  Who else struggles like this?  Tell your story. I know I'm not alone.

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