is this mid-life crisis or depression?

[Anonymous]

I am really confused here about my emotional well-being. SOme facts: I gave birth to my son last year and had a really taugh pregnancy during which husband did not support me the way i expected him. the birth ocndition was not perfect either and after that we had no help for our 3 year old while I was caring for the new born. All in all I would say 2013 was a year that I do not wish to repeat again. during this time I started to feel sad and hopeless. I dont know how to articulate it, but I no longer looked forward to go home from work. I felt distant and cold inside. I felt like due to what I went through during pregnancy, I came out a different person than I was before. Things that werent so important to me before, suddenly became critical (e.g. financial well-being, career success) and thing that were so crusial lost their importance in my mind( maintaining relationship with close and extended family members, etc). All of this, has affected my relationship with my spouse as well. I question why I ever married him (I must say our life circumstances has not been an easy one). I feel like I wasted my youth waiting for him to finish grad school, get a job, do something....all the meanwhile I stepped on whatever I wanted for my own life. In my mind, I hold him responsible for wasting my life and think that given what I endured for him he is a very ungreatful person(for one he could have showered me with love and affection during a tough pregnancy, alas! not even a bouquet of roses...)
Now, I am exteremly unhappy with everything. Want to go to psychologist, but honestly I am not sure if this is what everyone calls mid-life crisis or a full blown depression. The reason I am not sure, is that deep inside I know the changes that would make me happy, it is just that those changes are not feasible at this time.
Has anyone gone through mid-life crisisi? Do you think this is post-partum, general depression or the crisis?
I appreciate your input.

[Anonymous]

In terms of whether you should see a therapist, I don't think it matters what you label it--you're unhappy and you don't see a way out of that right now. A good therapist can help you talk through the reasons and the solutions, and help you sort out depression from crisis from midlife angst. A therapist can also help you create a realistic plan for change and support you as you progress.

[Anonymous]

I do not know your age but you sound perimenopausal - not having the ability to handle routines/sameness. Questioning things that didn't use to bother you in a deeper way, wanting change. You will need to hold on. This is a time of massive changes. You can easily derail your life. I am now coming out of the fog 5 years on. If you had a kid late in age, I think your hormones have merged. It is not pretty. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In terms of whether you should see a therapist, I don't think it matters what you label it--you're unhappy and you don't see a way out of that right now. A good therapist can help you talk through the reasons and the solutions, and help you sort out depression from crisis from midlife angst. A therapist can also help you create a realistic plan for change and support you as you progress.

Totally agree. The problem is that unless I'm mistaken ,most insurance providers will only cover about 12 visits. But out of pocket, even $150-200, can be worth it. My personal opinion is to find an older, established, PhD level therapist rather than a social worker or councilor.

Life's too short. Every day you're unhappy is one less day you have.

[Anonymous]

This could also be post-partum depression. I had children later in life and suffered afer my second was born. I knew smethng was off and just not right. Start with your ob-gyn and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos!

[Anonymous]

Not taking anything away from the PPs but just want to say that I think it's important to remember that (in general) men think differently than women and they don't tend to remember birthdays or give great presents or roses etc--and are horrible mind readers that that's what women often want. Expecting a man to act like your girlfriend will only bring disappointment so perhaps some of this is due to your heightened-and-dashed expectations of your DH.

When I got married I was really career-driven and very independent. I was very taken aback the first time I was dependent and/or had a medical issue (the flu, but also a miscarriage) and my DH did not act in the way I would have expected a caring person to act. He did not "nurse" me.

But one of the things I've come to terms with is that my DH was attracted to a very independent woman who is their equal on many levels. Men like that (in general) aren't that good when their woman morphs and gets needy. Which is good, because they weren't attracted to the needy clingy women in the first place which is why they ended up with women like you and me.

So I try and cut my DH a break on this front. Really. I've come to terms with it and see that in spite of this, IMO, shortcoming, he is a great DH. Even when I'm sick and he's shocked that I'm still sick 3 hours later. :eye roll:

I think for the most part, men are pretty simple and women tend to look for symbolic meaning and that gets them into trouble…for example, "no roses" to you is symbolic of him not caring. No. It's just not. He's a guy. No symbolic meaning. Who's going to get you roses? Your girlfriend or your gay guy friend--people who think in symbolic meanings.

Ok so clearly this does not address the larger issue of your malaise and how severe etc it is, but I did want to hit upon the DH expectation issue.

[Anonymous]

Have you taken any depression checklist tests, OP? I'm sure there are some online and there is a good one in Burns' "Feeling Good" book. I agree that it sounds like you need to talk to a good therapist regardless, but if it is depression you also should be working with a medical provider to think about trying anti-depressants for a while.

It sounds like you may have burnout, caring for a second child + being responsible for family finances. So perhaps couples counseling or a workshop are in order, but start with a good depression screening and go from there.

[Anonymous]

I think 22:25's post is wise. That doesn't mean to forgive DH. but recognize his limitations and decide if you can handle it. I have a similar DH, similar experiences. Nearly 30 years into the marriage, I am still disappointed by him. Can't/won't/doesn't change to do the things that would feel better for me. Not in his DNA, or whatever. Let me tell you, it doesn't get better if you just wait it out. I'd suggest seeking counseling for you both, but wouldn't expect too much. And you may need to change too.
BTW, I don't think this is mid-life crisis. Maybe situational depression.

[Anonymous]

I want to become a lesbian after reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Maybe both.

Get on meds as fast as you can.