Any hope for marriage with drastic difference in sex drive?
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Anonymous
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My husband and I have been together for about ten years. He has had a very low sex drive since pretty much the beginning of our relationship, although it seems to get lower by the year. We have ups and downs but there has generally been a very substantial difference between the amount of sex I want (every day really) and what he wants (probably every 2-3 weeks). We recently made an agreement that if he would initiate sex once per week, I would not bother him about it and we would stop fighting. This was my idea.
It worked well for a while and now I am getting frustrated again. I am by all accounts a physically attractive person and have never had any trouble meeting/attracting men. I know that that should not matter, but I have to say that I am feeling so resentful. I think about why I am staying in this relationships and when the breaking point will come. Although part of this is physical, it's mostly emotional. I am so envious of women who feel like their husband is really attracted to them. I don't know if I would even want sex as much as I currently do if I just felt satisfied that he is really attracted to me, thinks I'm beautiful, so on. have a decidedly un romantic relationship and he never compliments me ever, despite me telling him how important it is to me that he do so. I don't think he even realizes how good he has it- I am attractive, bring in a high income despite also taking care of most of the childcare, work hard to keep our home clean etc. I just feel so extremely undervalued and I feel like that's what the sex thing represents for me. I am certainly not perfect and I know there are things about me that really frustrate him (I am often running late for example). We got nowhere in therapy although the therapist told me that I would end up cheating or leaving him if things did not change. Like I said, it's really not about the physical so an affair is unappealing (plus I'm not into cheating). I am also reluctant to leave and break up our family over this. But I can't help feel like I deserve so much more and that I am wasting away my life. I am young enough now where I think I could remarry without too much trouble and of course that will be harder with every passing year. |
Anonymous
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DH here. If no kids yet, I unfortunately would suggest you consider parting ways. It will only get worse once life gets harder. And then with the kids involved it will be very hard for you to leave.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
read the post, there is obviously at least one kid in the picture. |
Anonymous
| Curious--what was the conversation in your head when you were first going out, courting, when he proposed? ADid you think he would change? |
Anonymous
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As a low-drive spouse, I can say fairly confidently that his lack of sex drive has *nothing* to do with you.
That's not to say it shouldn't bother you, but it shouldn't bother you for that particular reason. I think you sound insecure and immature, needing outside approval and praise so much that you'd break up your family in search of it. (Again, I'm not saying sex isn't important in a marriage. But in this case, you yourself said that's not really what you care about.) |
Anonymous
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As a high sex drive DW, I don't know how you manage it. After 2-3 days, I get really grouchy if we don't do something physical, which can vary widely, according to time constraints, but ideally I'd like it every day too. I married a high drive DH, but we have to settle for the 2-4 times/week because we have kids and demanding schedules. Still, your low drive DH is aware of the situation after therapy, so why did he just go back to the prior routine, particularly after the therapist spelled it out for the both of you?
Can you get him to see a primary care physician about the problem? Does he understand the rejection you feel? |
Anonymous
| I feel like it's only going to get worse and you are really going to resent him later in life. If couples counseling didn't work, maybe individual counseling could help you figure some next steps as well as working on yourself. I'm curious what led you to marry him if he had a low sex drive from the start. |
Anonymous
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You do sound insecure. Needing compliments...
Definitely insecure. You are making a huge deal if this, |
Anonymous
| DW and I were going down the tubes due to really differing sex drives (mine higher), but I was patient and once I took the pressure off and just relaxed about everything, hers came up. Now we are both quite content. |
Anonymous
Would you tell this to my husband, please? He nags me about sex so much that I just dread the entire subject. I don't enjoy it or want to even think about it. He went out of town for work for 3 months (home every weekend) and my sex drive came right back. We had sex 2-3 times a weekend and it was fun. I know he's frustrated, but I'm miserable. |
Anonymous
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Here's what I'd do in your position, OP, in this order.
1. Ask DH about opening up the marriage. You are allowed to have a guy on the side, you will keep it discrete and tell DH as much or as little as he wants to know, you won't ever bring him to the house. 2. DTMFA. Sex is a vital part of a marriage and you deserve more. But before that, try reading this: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/04/09/sl-letters-of-the-day-im-sick-of-this-question You're not alone, apparently  Good luck!
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Anonymous
I agree with this. Your need for sex is tied up in your self esteem and that is a red flag to me. Do you enjoy sex because you are horny and need to get off or do you use it as some sort of self validating tool? |
Anonymous
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I have a significantly lower sex drive than my spouse. It was not always this way, but I have not had much of a drive since I had my second child four years ago.
It is hard, but I do not think it is threatening our marriage. My problem is that often when I have no real urge, I will initiate for his benefit. He will get REALLY excited and want to do an awful lot more and for an awful lot longer than I am comfortable with. This would result in a very unsatisfying ending for both of us, and sometimes tears. It was a vicious cycle. We resolved to start having a mini-session about once a week. No pressure for anything spectacular and we would stop when I wanted to. Hopefully, with several of these stress and drama free sessions under our belt, we can get to a better place. |
Anonymous
I tend to agree. The red flag for me is that he had a low sex drive all along, and you were okay with this. I think it is common (and I have definitely done this myself, we all do, so not putting you down), to blame our spouse for things in us we wish we could change. It is awfully convenient now that you are older and settled to suddenly want validation through sex etc. You guys could benefit from counseling because your husband should step it up, but you do sound like you need to do some soul searching. |
Anonymous
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DW is low desire and doesn't initiate. She's happy with once a month sex. I'm HD and would love sex 3-4 times a week. I have twice had the "sit down" with her about this issue. She understands but is tired with 2 kids under 6.
I get around the issue by masturbating a lot. There's no other way around it. I also track how often I take care of myself and how often we actually have sex. You'd be surprised how much/or little you have sex until you actually track it. |