Any hope for marriage with drastic difference in sex drive?

[Anonymous]

Oh..and I use porn a lot too.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the problem is that sex for you is a means of validating your attractiveness, so when your husband doesn't initiate, you feel unattractive and unappreciated. But you knew going in that he had a low drive--now you're reading all this other stuff into it. It's like marrying someone who speaks a different language and then later deciding that the fact that his English isn't perfect means he doesn't really love you.

Why do you want more sex? If you want affirmation that he loves you, then ask for that, and be open to the idea that it can come in different forms. If you want more physical affection, perhaps you can ask for that, again in other forms. If you want the physical release, then perhaps you need to find other ways to achieve that.

Because the short answer to the question in your heading is--maybe. Some couples with different drives do work it out, but it requires patience, understanding, compromise, and a sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a high sex drive DW, I don't know how you manage it. After 2-3 days, I get really grouchy if we don't do something physical, which can vary widely, according to time constraints, but ideally I'd like it every day too. I married a high drive DH, but we have to settle for the 2-4 times/week because we have kids and demanding schedules. Still, your low drive DH is aware of the situation after therapy, so why did he just go back to the prior routine, particularly after the therapist spelled it out for the both of you?
Can you get him to see a primary care physician about the problem? Does he understand the rejection you feel?

My situation was just like the OP's, including the therapist who spelled it out to both of us. In my soon to be X's case, he just wasn't willing to make more effort and to change. He admitted that he changed for about 6 weeks in hopes my frustration would just "blow over," and also that it would be too exhausting and stressful to try to have some sort of sex 3 or 4 times a week. He really wants it 3 or 4 times a month. We're divorcing because it's no more fair to ask him to retrain and try to learn to be physically affectionate and into sex than it is for me to go without touch and physical love. I'm frankly amazed he's so adamant, but I know he'll only get less interested as he gets older, and I'm almost 45 myself, so now's the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a low-drive spouse, I can say fairly confidently that his lack of sex drive has *nothing* to do with you.

That's not to say it shouldn't bother you, but it shouldn't bother you for that particular reason.

I think you sound insecure and immature, needing outside approval and praise so much that you'd break up your family in search of it.

(Again, I'm not saying sex isn't important in a marriage. But in this case, you yourself said that's not really what you care about.)

I agree with this. Your need for sex is tied up in your self esteem and that is a red flag to me. Do you enjoy sex because you are horny and need to get off or do you use it as some sort of self validating tool?

What a weird question. Of course sex is tied to self esteem and self validation (?), why wouldn't it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a low-drive spouse, I can say fairly confidently that his lack of sex drive has *nothing* to do with you.

That's not to say it shouldn't bother you, but it shouldn't bother you for that particular reason.

I think you sound insecure and immature, needing outside approval and praise so much that you'd break up your family in search of it.

(Again, I'm not saying sex isn't important in a marriage. But in this case, you yourself said that's not really what you care about.)

I agree with this. Your need for sex is tied up in your self esteem and that is a red flag to me. Do you enjoy sex because you are horny and need to get off or do you use it as some sort of self validating tool?

What a weird question. Of course sex is tied to self esteem and self validation (?), why wouldn't it be?

Wait pp, you don't enjoy sex because it makes your body feel good? y'know the kiss, touch, the caress, all of that doesn't make blood rush to your most sensitive areas? producing that tingling sensation that sends you over the edge?

Or what do you think of when you have sex? "I feel pretty, oh so pretty..."?

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course it feels good physically, but I could do that more efficiently by myself. The whole point of having sex with another person is to see how much they want you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course it feels good physically, but I could do that more efficiently by myself. The whole point of having sex with another person is to see how much they want you.[/quote]

wow!, I have no words

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want more intercourse, or more sexual touching and romantic gestures? There is a difference, and you want to sort it out. You also want to talk to your husband about medical checkup. Mine had low testtosteron and if he hadn't saught and then followed through with treatment, we'd be divorced by now. You aren't wrong for needing sex and physical love. Based on what you've stated, it does sound like your husband has a medical issue. I'd urge him to address that possibility. If he can't or won't, then you have some tough choices to make.

[Anonymous]

It's in no way abnormal for self-esteem to be tied into sex. Sure, it has a physical component; but it also has an emotional component. Part of the emotional aspect is affirmation that your spouse loves you best of all which is not an unreasonable hope for a spouse.

Definitely get the testosterone checked. And make sure your husband isn't overdoing it on the porn and masturbation. I'm not anti-porn generally; but if your spouse isn't getting enough loving, the self-love should be minimized.