Another Unequal Grandparent Treatment Question - Opening Gifts

[Anonymous]

Like some of the other posters, there is no question that the ILs treat our kids differently from the other grandkids. We all will be celebrating the holidays together after our individual family celebrations, so it will just be a setting in which the kids receive presents from the grandparents and aunts/uncles. My kids are the exact same age as their cousins, and old enough to notice -- and to care -- about the unequal treatment. If my DD asks why her cousin received 4 presents but she only got 1, what is the answer? It isn't like there is a financial disparity among the families (and, even if there was, I certainly wouldn't point it out to my kids) Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I am one of the posters from the other unfair treatment thread. This is one of the reasons we are staying home for Christmas. My SIL comes to MIL/FIL's house every other Christmas, this is their year. We go on the Christmas that they are at their IL's home. However, when we are there and my SIL is at her IL's, my MIL/FIL want to Skype with them every other day.

The one year we all spent Christmas together, my husband made it clear to his parents that presents needed to be equal, if not in quality definitely in quantity. He also said the same to my sister because she would bring presents from her inlaws for the kids to open in front of our children. When this happened, we brought extra presents - and just said oh we forgot something in the trunk! I know it all sounds like game playing, but it awful. Our kids were too young to understand that these presents were from another relative of their cousins. My family does not celebrate Christmas so there are no presents from my side of the family.

Knowing that things are unequal...I only spend about $10-15 on Christmas and Birthday presents for niece and nephew. I used to spend alot more and never received a thank you, verbal or written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters from the other unfair treatment thread. This is one of the reasons we are staying home for Christmas. My SIL comes to MIL/FIL's house every other Christmas, this is their year. We go on the Christmas that they are at their IL's home. However, when we are there and my SIL is at her IL's, my MIL/FIL want to Skype with them every other day.

The one year we all spent Christmas together, my husband made it clear to his parents that presents needed to be equal, if not in quality definitely in quantity. He also said the same to my sister because she would bring presents from her inlaws for the kids to open in front of our children. When this happened, we brought extra presents - and just said oh we forgot something in the trunk! I know it all sounds like game playing, but it awful. Our kids were too young to understand that these presents were from another relative of their cousins. My family does not celebrate Christmas so there are no presents from my side of the family.

Knowing that things are unequal...I only spend about $10-15 on Christmas and Birthday presents for niece and nephew. I used to spend alot more and never received a thank you, verbal or written.

I don't understand why you would have any right to tell your SIL how many presents her kids can open. These are gifts from HER in-laws. I think you need to teach your kids that life isn't always fair, and that everything can't be equal. As for the grandparents, I agree that they shouldn't be so obvious with their favoritism. But you can't insist that people hold back on gifts that they received from people not related to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters from the other unfair treatment thread. This is one of the reasons we are staying home for Christmas. My SIL comes to MIL/FIL's house every other Christmas, this is their year. We go on the Christmas that they are at their IL's home. However, when we are there and my SIL is at her IL's, my MIL/FIL want to Skype with them every other day.

The one year we all spent Christmas together, my husband made it clear to his parents that presents needed to be equal, if not in quality definitely in quantity. He also said the same to my sister because she would bring presents from her inlaws for the kids to open in front of our children. When this happened, we brought extra presents - and just said oh we forgot something in the trunk! I know it all sounds like game playing, but it awful. Our kids were too young to understand that these presents were from another relative of their cousins. My family does not celebrate Christmas so there are no presents from my side of the family.

Knowing that things are unequal...I only spend about $10-15 on Christmas and Birthday presents for niece and nephew. I used to spend alot more and never received a thank you, verbal or written.

So you are punishing them for your parent's bad behavior? You sound like a peach PP.

[Anonymous]

That's weird to bring more presents to counteract gifts from the kids other grandparents. In a perfect world they'd open them elsewhere, but good grief, you don't need to give your kids more. Just tell them those gifts are from their other grandparents, cousins, etc. Kids will never get it if you don't explain it to them, and life isn't always equal or fair. Stop being such consumers and focus on giving, family time etc instead of filling the landfill with more crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's weird to bring more presents to counteract gifts from the kids other grandparents. In a perfect world they'd open them elsewhere, but good grief, you don't need to give your kids more. Just tell them those gifts are from their other grandparents, cousins, etc. Kids will never get it if you don't explain it to them, and life isn't always equal or fair. Stop being such consumers and focus on giving, family time etc instead of filling the landfill with more crap.

This! This!

OP, you seem to think that your kids should get exactly the same number of gifts as their cousins. Will this bleed over into everything? If you hear that cousin got two birthday gifts from grandparents but your child got one, is that going to rankle you? Or does it only matter if the kids are opening them in front of each other? Will the kids learn that they should get an award if their classmate gets one, or that everyone should get a trophy on the soccer team even if they didn't turn up for every game? Where does that thinking end? I know -- you're talking about grandparents. But the same thinking that says "everyone must get the same number of gifts" leads right into "everyone gets the same everything, every time." It breeds a sense of entitlement.

This kind of question has come up on here before. Grandparents seem to be expected to treat everyone with perfect equality. Same with aunts and uncles. Maybe these relatives saw stuff that reminded them of the other kids and just got it for them. Maybe they simply know the other kids better than they know yours and know what those kids would enjoy. Maybe the person giving the gifts went with several smaller gifts for one kid but one more expensive gift for another kid. Whatever. Unless your kids are very young and therefore prone to whine about the number of gifts, let it go, and teach them to be grateful for what they get: "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

We're raising a lot of kids who are going to think life is fair and equal all the time. It's a disservice to them to let them think that and it makes them feel entitled rather than grateful.

If your kids are healthy today and your family is safe and has a roof over its head and a secure income, let everything else GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's weird to bring more presents to counteract gifts from the kids other grandparents. In a perfect world they'd open them elsewhere, but good grief, you don't need to give your kids more. Just tell them those gifts are from their other grandparents, cousins, etc. Kids will never get it if you don't explain it to them, and life isn't always equal or fair. Stop being such consumers and focus on giving, family time etc instead of filling the landfill with more crap.


This! This!

OP, you seem to think that your kids should get exactly the same number of gifts as their cousins. Will this bleed over into everything? If you hear that cousin got two birthday gifts from grandparents but your child got one, is that going to rankle you? Or does it only matter if the kids are opening them in front of each other? Will the kids learn that they should get an award if their classmate gets one, or that everyone should get a trophy on the soccer team even if they didn't turn up for every game? Where does that thinking end? I know -- you're talking about grandparents. But the same thinking that says "everyone must get the same number of gifts" leads right into "everyone gets the same everything, every time." It breeds a sense of entitlement.

This kind of question has come up on here before. Grandparents seem to be expected to treat everyone with perfect equality. Same with aunts and uncles. Maybe these relatives saw stuff that reminded them of the other kids and just got it for them. Maybe they simply know the other kids better than they know yours and know what those kids would enjoy. Maybe the person giving the gifts went with several smaller gifts for one kid but one more expensive gift for another kid. Whatever. Unless your kids are very young and therefore prone to whine about the number of gifts, let it go, and teach them to be grateful for what they get: "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

We're raising a lot of kids who are going to think life is fair and equal all the time. It's a disservice to them to let them think that and it makes them feel entitled rather than grateful.

If your kids are healthy today and your family is safe and has a roof over its head and a secure income, let everything else GO.

+1 Do your kids a favor and help them to understand that although life isn't always fair, it is still a great adventure and they should embrace what they do have, not what they do not.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP, and this is the question that I'll get from my DD: "why did Susie get an extra present from Grandma?" What will happen is that Grandma will buy the girls the identical item and then she'll get Susie one extra item. So it's obvious. No, I don't think life should be fair or equal, but to a seven-year-old, seeing that her cousin got one more present will translate that her grandma likes Susie better than she likes my DD (which probably is true).

Trust me, I'm not the person who equalizes everything, and I don't buy my DS presents when it is my DD's birthday so that he doesn't feel left out, etc. But, when the only gifts being opened are from the grandparents, it will be very obvious. Not to mention, the way that my in-laws open presents is that only one present is opened at once. Seriously, like little Susie will open up her present, we all wait, and then ohh and ahh. Then the grandparents will hand out the present to my DD, she opens it, we ohh and ahh, etc.

I don't feel like Christmas is the time to explain to my DD that her cousin who is the exact same age is treated differently. My DS is younger and might not notice/care, but my DD will notice and will be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's weird to bring more presents to counteract gifts from the kids other grandparents. In a perfect world they'd open them elsewhere, but good grief, you don't need to give your kids more. Just tell them those gifts are from their other grandparents, cousins, etc. Kids will never get it if you don't explain it to them, and life isn't always equal or fair. Stop being such consumers and focus on giving, family time etc instead of filling the landfill with more crap.

This! This!

OP, you seem to think that your kids should get exactly the same number of gifts as their cousins. Will this bleed over into everything? If you hear that cousin got two birthday gifts from grandparents but your child got one, is that going to rankle you? Or does it only matter if the kids are opening them in front of each other? Will the kids learn that they should get an award if their classmate gets one, or that everyone should get a trophy on the soccer team even if they didn't turn up for every game? Where does that thinking end? I know -- you're talking about grandparents. But the same thinking that says "everyone must get the same number of gifts" leads right into "everyone gets the same everything, every time." It breeds a sense of entitlement.

This kind of question has come up on here before. Grandparents seem to be expected to treat everyone with perfect equality. Same with aunts and uncles. Maybe these relatives saw stuff that reminded them of the other kids and just got it for them. Maybe they simply know the other kids better than they know yours and know what those kids would enjoy. Maybe the person giving the gifts went with several smaller gifts for one kid but one more expensive gift for another kid. Whatever. Unless your kids are very young and therefore prone to whine about the number of gifts, let it go, and teach them to be grateful for what they get: "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

We're raising a lot of kids who are going to think life is fair and equal all the time. It's a disservice to them to let them think that and it makes them feel entitled rather than grateful.

If your kids are healthy today and your family is safe and has a roof over its head and a secure income, let everything else GO.

Sorry, OP here again, I thought I quoted, but I didn't. Honestly, if the kids weren't all together, I wouldn't care one bit. As noted in my above post, my challenge is that it is obvious about the disparity b/c we all will be together and the manner in which gifts are opened up. I do not expect everything to be equal, but if there is obvious favoritism, it is hurtful to my DD. I am not asking the grandparents to make things equal; what I want to know is what do I tell my DD when she asks (and she will)?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP that you are getting the mean comments, as I am the second poster that wrote about equalizing presents. To make a point my kids are young (4,5) but they understand presents. They do not understand that the world is not fair when sister in law brings 4-6 extra presents for her children from other relatives when these could be opened at home. It is in bad taste. Sorry if you disagree but that's is how we feel. We have other presents from other relatives and those are left at home. We don't like to make people feel bad that they don't have more presents to open. We have to travel a long way to get there as well. When the kids were two and three no problem, but now that they are older it not nice. I do not buy presents on the other childs birthday.
But my Inlaws do! When it was my daughter's third birthday they bought the other grandchildren presents so they would not feel bad.

As far as how much I spend. I used to try and buy things that sister in law said the kids were interested in...and the toys, etc were thrown to the side because there are so many presents from my inlaws and the other inlaws. The oldest child is 9 and said oh you only gave me one thing...it was a very expensive lego set...and so and so gave me 4 presents. SIL did not say oh we don't say that or you should say thank you to Aunt and Uncle, etc.

For the record, my inlaws come to our house and say oh they had a great vacation, we don't ask them to cook, we don't think of them as our babysitters and try to plan fun things for them to do but the love is not there...they spend their whole time saying I wonder what they (SIL and family) so yes it causes resentment. I'm happy for those of you that have great IL relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You tell your daughter that life isn't fair and that you are really sorry that grandma and grandpa did not think that it might hurt her feelings to get fewer presents than her cousin. Tell her that is allowed to have whatever feelings that she wants to have about this issue and that she should think about how this feels when she is deciding how to treat other people in her own life.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP, and this is the question that I'll get from my DD: "why did Susie get an extra present from Grandma?" What will happen is that Grandma will buy the girls the identical item and then she'll get Susie one extra item. So it's obvious. No, I don't think life should be fair or equal, but to a seven-year-old, seeing that her cousin got one more present will translate that her grandma likes Susie better than she likes my DD (which probably is true).

Well, this is a reality of life, albeit an unfortunate one - doesn't sound like things are going to be fair. If your daughter asks you in private, you can agree with her that it is unfair. If she asks you in front of everyone, just tell her to thank grandma for the gift that she did get.

[Anonymous]

This happens with my in-laws, too. They often don't send anything for DS's birthday. They treat the other grandkids better -- but hey, they see them a lot more, too. We moved away when we got married. They weren't with DS very much as he grew up (their choice not to travel to us -- we always had to go to them). My son notices it, and he comments on it now -- but that's it. He knows that is just the way they are. I asked him if there was anything he needed (in terms of toys or presents, and he said no -- but he wondered why they didn't get him anything). I don't make excuses for the in-laws, but I also don't place any blame on them. I just say how lucky he is to have two sets of grandparents in his life. Kids are smart; give them a little more credit for just seeing it like it is and not dwelling on it. They won't dwell on it if you don't.

[Anonymous]

My MIL treats stepkids better than my kid with DH. She just sent gifts for Christmas and spent about $400 for each stepkid and $100 for our kid. Granted, my child is younger, but that is not right in my opinion. She also frequently buys them stuff because they call her up and ask for it. She buys and either sends to their mom's house or drops it off for them.

[Anonymous]

Life isn't fair but a child shouldn't have to learn that from their grandparents. Personally, I would not put my children in that type of situation so I would politely decline any event that had that dynamic. There are plenty of other opportunities to bond with the grandparents when presents aren't involved. When the kids are older I would consider rejoining the "festivities"......