Another Unequal Grandparent Treatment Question - Opening Gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't fair but a child shouldn't have to learn that from their grandparents. Personally, I would not put my children in that type of situation so I would politely decline any event that had that dynamic. There are plenty of other opportunities to bond with the grandparents when presents aren't involved. When the kids are older I would consider rejoining the "festivities"......

+1000 My mother who was an alcoholic, thought that giving "mean presents" was real fun on Christmas Day. Her favorites got the good presents, and the un-favorites got trash or clothes from the Salvation Army for Christmas. So hard to keep up a front and pretend it does not hurt when that happens. I would never allow my kids to go through that. To this day, I dread opening presents, and I am 40. This situation is not as severe, but I would not allow it for my children. Your relatives know perfectly well what they are doing (or do they have some kind of impairment? mental illness? substance abuse?) If they have some excuse, it would be interesting to know what it is -- how they justify it. There is no need for long explanations. They sound kind of horrible, and another time would be better time to get together.

[Anonymous]

^^ It is really not about the "presents" It is about being insensitive and disrespectful to you and your young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's weird to bring more presents to counteract gifts from the kids other grandparents. In a perfect world they'd open them elsewhere, but good grief, you don't need to give your kids more. Just tell them those gifts are from their other grandparents, cousins, etc. Kids will never get it if you don't explain it to them, and life isn't always equal or fair. Stop being such consumers and focus on giving, family time etc instead of filling the landfill with more crap.

This! This!

OP, you seem to think that your kids should get exactly the same number of gifts as their cousins. Will this bleed over into everything? If you hear that cousin got two birthday gifts from grandparents but your child got one, is that going to rankle you? Or does it only matter if the kids are opening them in front of each other? Will the kids learn that they should get an award if their classmate gets one, or that everyone should get a trophy on the soccer team even if they didn't turn up for every game? Where does that thinking end? I know -- you're talking about grandparents. But the same thinking that says "everyone must get the same number of gifts" leads right into "everyone gets the same everything, every time." It breeds a sense of entitlement.

This kind of question has come up on here before. Grandparents seem to be expected to treat everyone with perfect equality. Same with aunts and uncles. Maybe these relatives saw stuff that reminded them of the other kids and just got it for them. Maybe they simply know the other kids better than they know yours and know what those kids would enjoy. Maybe the person giving the gifts went with several smaller gifts for one kid but one more expensive gift for another kid. Whatever. Unless your kids are very young and therefore prone to whine about the number of gifts, let it go, and teach them to be grateful for what they get: "You get what you get and you don't get upset."
We're raising a lot of kids who are going to think life is fair and equal all the time. It's a disservice to them to let them think that and it makes them feel entitled rather than grateful.

If your kids are healthy today and your family is safe and has a roof over its head and a secure income, let everything else GO.

signed, Mom of the child who got 4 presents right in front of her cousin at age 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP, and this is the question that I'll get from my DD: "why did Susie get an extra present from Grandma?" What will happen is that Grandma will buy the girls the identical item and then she'll get Susie one extra item. So it's obvious. No, I don't think life should be fair or equal, but to a seven-year-old, seeing that her cousin got one more present will translate that her grandma likes Susie better than she likes my DD (which probably is true).

Trust me, I'm not the person who equalizes everything, and I don't buy my DS presents when it is my DD's birthday so that he doesn't feel left out, etc. But, when the only gifts being opened are from the grandparents, it will be very obvious. Not to mention, the way that my in-laws open presents is that only one present is opened at once. Seriously, like little Susie will open up her present, we all wait, and then ohh and ahh. Then the grandparents will hand out the present to my DD, she opens it, we ohh and ahh, etc.

I don't feel like Christmas is the time to explain to my DD that her cousin who is the exact same age is treated differently. My DS is younger and might not notice/care, but my DD will notice and will be upset.

You tell her that is because Grandma probably likes Susie better. and tell it in front of everyone, including grandma. One awkward xmas, but it should fix things for the following years....

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. Period. I do not allow people to mistreat my children and this is just insensitive and rude. If they want to give Susie all kinds of extra stuff, save it for her birthday or when cousins aren't around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If my DD asks why her cousin received 4 presents but she only got 1, what is the answer?

You can answer, "Honey, I just don't know why." You can't fix the relationship if the grandparents don't want to treat the kids equally. Or you can opt out of the gift-giving event.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are like this. We no longer travel to spend Christmas with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are like this. We no longer travel to spend Christmas with them.

This! If you fuck with my kids you are out! Forever grandma. Now that you need our help guess what? We are in Florida for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't fair but a child shouldn't have to learn that from their grandparents. Personally, I would not put my children in that type of situation so I would politely decline any event that had that dynamic. There are plenty of other opportunities to bond with the grandparents when presents aren't involved. When the kids are older I would consider rejoining the "festivities"......

+1000 My mother who was an alcoholic, thought that giving "mean presents" was real fun on Christmas Day. Her favorites got the good presents, and the un-favorites got trash or clothes from the Salvation Army for Christmas. So hard to keep up a front and pretend it does not hurt when that happens. I would never allow my kids to go through that. To this day, I dread opening presents, and I am 40. This situation is not as severe, but I would not allow it for my children. Your relatives know perfectly well what they are doing (or do they have some kind of impairment? mental illness? substance abuse?) If they have some excuse, it would be interesting to know what it is -- how they justify it. There is no need for long explanations. They sound kind of horrible, and another time would be better time to get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP, and this is the question that I'll get from my DD: "why did Susie get an extra present from Grandma?" What will happen is that Grandma will buy the girls the identical item and then she'll get Susie one extra item. So it's obvious. No, I don't think life should be fair or equal, but to a seven-year-old, seeing that her cousin got one more present will translate that her grandma likes Susie better than she likes my DD (which probably is true).

Trust me, I'm not the person who equalizes everything, and I don't buy my DS presents when it is my DD's birthday so that he doesn't feel left out, etc. But, when the only gifts being opened are from the grandparents, it will be very obvious. Not to mention, the way that my in-laws open presents is that only one present is opened at once. Seriously, like little Susie will open up her present, we all wait, and then ohh and ahh. Then the grandparents will hand out the present to my DD, she opens it, we ohh and ahh, etc.

I don't feel like Christmas is the time to explain to my DD that her cousin who is the exact same age is treated differently. My DS is younger and might not notice/care, but my DD will notice and will be upset.

You tell her that is because Grandma probably likes Susie better. and tell it in front of everyone, including grandma. One awkward xmas, but it should fix things for the following years....

Or tell your daughter to ask Grandma and see what Grandma says. Or you ask grandma and see what she says. Maybe she gives fewer gifts to your kids because you give cheap gifts??? Is that a possibility? Or am I mixing OP up with the PP who gives her nieces and nephews $10/$15 gifts?

[Anonymous]

If the grandmother is giving a different number of presents, but the presents are otherwise "equal" (i.e., one kid gets three smaller presents and the other gets one big present), I don't have a problem with that. You teach your kid to say thank you for what they get.

If the grandmother really is displaying favoritism (and you can usually tell, because it's rarely confined to Christmas), then it's not cool, and I would not be going to that Christmas celebration. Yes, life is unfair, but I agree that kids should not be learning that from their grandparents, and I certainly am not going to facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

What does DH say about this, since this is his family ? If it were my own mom, I'd probably ask that we not open gifts together in such a situation (can't do anything about the favoritism but at least the kids should learn that generally it's bad form to be so obvious about it.)

Perhaps DH should be refereeing this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't fair but a child shouldn't have to learn that from their grandparents. Personally, I would not put my children in that type of situation so I would politely decline any event that had that dynamic. There are plenty of other opportunities to bond with the grandparents when presents aren't involved. When the kids are older I would consider rejoining the "festivities"......

I agree with this. This is horrible behavior by the grandparents and I wouldn't put my kid in that situation voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does DH say about this, since this is his family ? If it were my own mom, I'd probably ask that we not open gifts together in such a situation (can't do anything about the favoritism but at least the kids should learn that generally it's bad form to be so obvious about it.)

Perhaps DH should be refereeing this one.

He doesn't see it (or doesn't want to admit it). He is one of three, and his brother and I completely agree on this issue and it has slowly opened up his eyes, but he values being with family. I might talk with my BIL and see if we can come to an understanding. There is no question who the favorite grandchildren are, so my BIL might be helpful here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does DH say about this, since this is his family ? If it were my own mom, I'd probably ask that we not open gifts together in such a situation (can't do anything about the favoritism but at least the kids should learn that generally it's bad form to be so obvious about it.)

Perhaps DH should be refereeing this one.

He doesn't see it (or doesn't want to admit it). He is one of three, and his brother and I completely agree on this issue and it has slowly opened up his eyes, but he values being with family. I might talk with my BIL and see if we can come to an understanding. There is no question who the favorite grandchildren are, so my BIL might be helpful here.

OP, DH will probably never "see" it. Too hurtful. Perhaps you can change the GPs, but perhaps not. I have definitely noticed that the recipient of the "extras" never "sees" it the same way. just human nature.