Another Unequal Grandparent Treatment Question - Opening Gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does DH say about this, since this is his family ? If it were my own mom, I'd probably ask that we not open gifts together in such a situation (can't do anything about the favoritism but at least the kids should learn that generally it's bad form to be so obvious about it.)

Perhaps DH should be refereeing this one.

He doesn't see it (or doesn't want to admit it). He is one of three, and his brother and I completely agree on this issue and it has slowly opened up his eyes, but he values being with family. I might talk with my BIL and see if we can come to an understanding. There is no question who the favorite grandchildren are, so my BIL might be helpful here.

Has anyone asked Grandma what's up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like some of the other posters, there is no question that the ILs treat our kids differently from the other grandkids. We all will be celebrating the holidays together after our individual family celebrations, so it will just be a setting in which the kids receive presents from the grandparents and aunts/uncles. My kids are the exact same age as their cousins, and old enough to notice -- and to care -- about the unequal treatment. If my DD asks why her cousin received 4 presents but she only got 1, what is the answer? It isn't like there is a financial disparity among the families (and, even if there was, I certainly wouldn't point it out to my kids) Thoughts?

You simply tell your DD to be grateful she got anything - that there are kids in the Philippines hit by typhoon Haiyan who don't have so much as a roof this holiday season much less some damn presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like some of the other posters, there is no question that the ILs treat our kids differently from the other grandkids. We all will be celebrating the holidays together after our individual family celebrations, so it will just be a setting in which the kids receive presents from the grandparents and aunts/uncles. My kids are the exact same age as their cousins, and old enough to notice -- and to care -- about the unequal treatment. If my DD asks why her cousin received 4 presents but she only got 1, what is the answer? It isn't like there is a financial disparity among the families (and, even if there was, I certainly wouldn't point it out to my kids) Thoughts?

You simply tell your DD to be grateful she got anything - that there are kids in the Philippines hit by typhoon Haiyan who don't have so much as a roof this holiday season much less some damn presents.

Right! And then smack her with the Elf on the Shelf! Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are like this. We no longer travel to spend Christmas with them.

This! If you fuck with my kids you are out! Forever grandma. Now that you need our help guess what? We are in Florida for Christmas.

You are my kind of person!

I completely agree. I was the favorite and older child and guess what my grandmother ALWAYS got equal presents for my sister and I. It is BULLSHIT to expect a child to put up with hurt feelings as some life lesson. I wouldn't let my kid go through that in a 1,000 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does DH say about this, since this is his family ? If it were my own mom, I'd probably ask that we not open gifts together in such a situation (can't do anything about the favoritism but at least the kids should learn that generally it's bad form to be so obvious about it.)

Perhaps DH should be refereeing this one.

He doesn't see it (or doesn't want to admit it). He is one of three, and his brother and I completely agree on this issue and it has slowly opened up his eyes, but he values being with family. I might talk with my BIL and see if we can come to an understanding. There is no question who the favorite grandchildren are, so my BIL might be helpful here.

OP, DH will probably never "see" it. Too hurtful. Perhaps you can change the GPs, but perhaps not. I have definitely noticed that the recipient of the "extras" never "sees" it the same way. just human nature.

+1! This is where being the "evil" DIL came at an advantage for me. I got fed w/FIL's cheap manipulation tactics when I was pregnant with my third DC and let into him in front of DH in no uncertain terms. DH had a choice: stupid repetition compulsion of trying to get "Daddy's love" or watch pregnant DW walk away with kids from A$$h*Le Grandpa. Guess who won?

Look, maybe DH has been so traumatized by constant manipulation from FIL that what you have to do is slap both of them in the face with reality that: 1, you don't love FIL/grandpa or MIL/grandma and that you can totally live without them; 2, they're messing with your kids, which is NEVER OK; 3, you can walk away and never have to see FIL/grandpa or MIL/grandma again because they have NO legal rights to visitation; and 4; the person who loves DH is you OP.

It's time to stand up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like some of the other posters, there is no question that the ILs treat our kids differently from the other grandkids. We all will be celebrating the holidays together after our individual family celebrations, so it will just be a setting in which the kids receive presents from the grandparents and aunts/uncles. My kids are the exact same age as their cousins, and old enough to notice -- and to care -- about the unequal treatment. If my DD asks why her cousin received 4 presents but she only got 1, what is the answer? It isn't like there is a financial disparity among the families (and, even if there was, I certainly wouldn't point it out to my kids) Thoughts?

You simply tell your DD to be grateful she got anything - that there are kids in the Philippines hit by typhoon Haiyan who don't have so much as a roof this holiday season much less some damn presents.

Right! And then smack her with the Elf on the Shelf! Merry Christmas!

That will show those ungrateful children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the posters from the other unfair treatment thread. This is one of the reasons we are staying home for Christmas. My SIL comes to MIL/FIL's house every other Christmas, this is their year. We go on the Christmas that they are at their IL's home. However, when we are there and my SIL is at her IL's, my MIL/FIL want to Skype with them every other day.

The one year we all spent Christmas together, my husband made it clear to his parents that presents needed to be equal, if not in quality definitely in quantity. He also said the same to my sister because she would bring presents from her inlaws for the kids to open in front of our children. When this happened, we brought extra presents - and just said oh we forgot something in the trunk! I know it all sounds like game playing, but it awful. Our kids were too young to understand that these presents were from another relative of their cousins. My family does not celebrate Christmas so there are no presents from my side of the family.

Knowing that things are unequal...I only spend about $10-15 on Christmas and Birthday presents for niece and nephew. I used to spend alot more and never received a thank you, verbal or written.

I don't understand why you would have any right to tell your SIL how many presents her kids can open. These are gifts from HER in-laws. I think you need to teach your kids that life isn't always fair, and that everything can't be equal. As for the grandparents, I agree that they shouldn't be so obvious with their favoritism. But you can't insist that people hold back on gifts that they received from people not related to your kids.

So you think it's OK to receive gifts from, say, your parents...then bring them over to another relative's house to open? Why would you do that?

[Anonymous]

It has to come from the grandparents. They either have to be the ones to even things out, give the favored ones their extra gifts privately, or make some other concession.

Could you switch the dynamics of the day so maybe there's an activity the kids all do together with the grandparents (decorate gingerbread houses or something) and then they just takes gifts home to open? Or maybe grandparents fill stockings they can open there but gifts get sent home?

[Anonymous]

I don't know, my in laws tend to get my SIL's daughter more gifts than my son (about a 2 to 1 ratio, they are 2 years apart), but they still buy him several nice toys each Christmas. He asked about it in front of them once, and they ignored the question. I just said I don't know, but you still got some pretty cool toys. That was it.

[Anonymous]

Are any of our older folks around and will admit that they get their grandkids unequal amounts of presents -- and why? I mean we are anon here ...

[Anonymous]

Well, MIL was always trying to buy DDs love with presents. She already had her son in the bag.

[Anonymous]

No good advice, OP, but DH's family does the one gift, ooh ahh, next person, ooh ahh, and it drives me nuts. Combined with MIL's insecurities that cause her to overbuy and then feel the need to explain/defend every weird gift she got, it just goes on and on. Of course, my parents are the opposite and don't like giving or getting gifts at all, so it's really awkward.

[Anonymous]

Also, since my parents have issues in general and with gifts in particular, they don't always send gifts at all for birthdays. This year they never sent anything for DD's birthday. So, I am sure I am going to be fielding these questions about differences between one set of grandparents and the other eventually. Right now DD is still young enough that she doesn't have an expectation and we don't make a deal out of it. She does understand that people give her things and sometimes she'll ask me about "who gave me this" if she doesn't remember. We are working on gratitude and appreciation and not present-counting.