Surviving the holidays with the passive aggressive

[Anonymous]

Since we all live different places, my family rents a place for T-giving as a central location to get together. My oldest sister definitely likes to call the shots but I'm tired of the passive-aggressive way she does it.

Where we go is rural, so pretty much everything is 30+ minutes away. We bring food, so we don't go out for every meal. One year, we all did a morning excursion. Afterwards the families headed back for lunch. My oldest sister decides that she wants to go out for lunch with her family in another town. She didn't mention it to anyone and had the only key to where the food for everyone is kept.

Thinking maybe they got lost, we were waiting 45 minutes with young, cranky, hungry kids b/f my other sister finally reached her via cell asking where they were We had to scrounge something at a gas station to get them something to eat b/c by that time the closest restaurant or grocery store was too far. They were gone 3 hours, and there was never any acknowledgement of inconveniencing everyone else. The following year, I mentioned to her to please leave the key at the rental which you're actually supposed to b/c we were scrambling for lunch. Stony silence, followed by, "I didn't realize you held a grudge." (No, just didn't want a repeat.)

Another year, my parents suggested a particular excursion and everyone "seemingly" agreed. Just we arrived in the parking lot, she texts saying she wants to go somewhere else . She didn't actually stop but just drove onto the place she wanted to go but didn't mention earlier when we discussed plans.

My parents had already gone in and paid. They don't have text capability on their phone, which we all know. My other sister hurled her kids back in the car b/c her DD wanted to be with my oldest sister's DD. I decided not to ditch my parents. My 4 year old started to cry b/c none of her cousins were with her and was upset the entire time. My oldest sister is un-phased that this was rude to my parents and unfair to my kid. Plus the families spent one day of a weekend visit in different places instead of being together.

Last year, I suggested a particular activity for the kids via email and everyone replied agreement. That day she said she called the number on the website, and the person said they weren't open. I thought this strange. I called myself, was redirected to another phone number, which I called. They were open. Obviously she hadn't called, she just didn't want to do it and actually lied.

My parents like to go for breakfast on the last day. We usually join them but couldn't this year and told them when they asked. The night b/f and that morning, my dad kept asking my oldest sister if she'd like to go for breakfast. She never does, and I can understand if they just want to hit the road. But she never gives a straight answer. He kept asking, would you want to go to X place. "No, we didn't really like the food there." Would you like to go to Y? "No, we don't think that restaurant is very clean."

I finally turned to my dad and said, "I don't think Larla wants to go for breakfast." My sister looks offended and said, "That's not true." I said, "Well just let him know where you want to go then." Needless to say, she didn't go to breakfast.

I'm guessing that she's mad at me for this b/c I emailed her when we got back some info she wanted and it's radio silence. (Usually she responds to every email even if they're breezy replies.) She's got a lot of great qualities but this aspect of her personality is getting worse and really draining, especially combined with a holiday and travel. There doesn't seem to be any direct way to address this with her either. I'm just tapped out.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you know what passive aggressive means. Your sister is inconsiderate, rude, and mean. Nothing passive about it.

[Anonymous]

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

[Anonymous]

Regardless of the definition of what type of behavior your sister is using, I just wouldn't care at all.


Why are you sending her emails looking for information? She is thriving on the silent treatment, hoping to "punish" you for whatever wrongs she thinks you have made toward her. This is a game you will never, ever win. Refuse to play. Instead, focus your time and energy on the relatives that are kind and want to spend the time together and make plans. Always include her, but never acknowledge her attempts at drama. Do the legwork ahead of time if you have planned something fun (eg: phoning the place to see if it's open and letting that be known as part of the information in the email). Always invite her, but always count on her to back out last minute. This is who she is. Remind your kids that you are going to spend time with the grandparents and that different families value different things, but you expect your kids to be happy to be with the grandparents most of the time, and any cousin time is bonus time, so no fits are allowed.

You can't control how she will act, and you can't control how the rest of the family behaves or accepts her behavior, but you can control how you react to her. So, just figure out the things that bother you most and get those things solved before the trip. Do not let her leave the rental with the key with the access to the food, or go out and make a copy of the key on the first day. If she sneers about "holding a grudge", you smile and say, "No grudges here, just being prepared, sis. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot". Do these exchanges in front of people if possible, so she really will look like a jerk if she doesn't give up the key/act like a decent human being. If you are being polite, there should be no arguments. Anticipate that her main go to in any situation will be to make things difficult and be mean, and then change it up so the only fun she's ruining is her own.

I have people like this in my life. They are so draining, especially when they are family! So I get it. But I find the more blase I am, the more unflappable I am, the crazier it makes them. Don't let her ruin the time with your parents. It sounds like such a nice time to spend with them. Don't let her have that power. She is a small, mean person. You can be sorry for her that she turned out that way, but don't let her negativity invade your trip. That's how I would handle it.

[Anonymous]

damn larla being difficult. if it were my sister there would be no next time.

[Anonymous]

Whatever label you slap on her, why vacation with her? She's toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you know what passive aggressive means. Your sister is inconsiderate, rude, and mean. Nothing passive about it.

From what she described, it sure sounds passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go. You can wallow in it and re-hash it a hundred times. OR you can make a plan to do something different. Go make your own plans with your parents. Stop emailing your sister. Stop engaging with her. If you feel obligated to invite her to family events, fine. Just don't spend a second thinking about it when she fails to respond.

Make a decision to stop giving this the energy you're giving it. Focus on doing the things you want to do with your family.

[Anonymous]

There doesn't seem to be any direct way to address this with her either.[i]

"Dear Larla, Every year you choose to do something other than what the whole family has planned, often at the last moment and often inconveniencing others in the process (having the keys to the cabin, meals already having been paid, disappointing the kids, etc...) Is there a way we can plan the vacation differently so you get some individual time with your family, or get to opt out of anything you don't want to do? It's fine with me if we're not all together every single minute of the day, I'd just like to be able to plan for it so there isn't turmoil as a result."

If she refuses then you plan differently anyway. Don't pay for things in advance, don't let her have control of anything where everyone else is at her mercy, assume she might walk on any given activity and don't plan things where you can't work around that.

I don't think you can say there is no way to directly address it if you haven't spoken very directly to her. Also, it seems a little passive aggressive to me if you choose to participate in the same type of vacation, in the same way, knowing that her behavior won't change and then getting upset about it. She's pretty consistent so you can plan for/work around what you know she's likely to do - not for what you WANT her to do.

[Anonymous]

Your sister's right. You do hold a grudge.

[Anonymous]

Why all this forced family time when its clear your sister doesn't want to do it, and instead of coming out with it, acts like a brat and does what she wants.

Why don't all the siblings have a frank discussion about this - it just sounds stressful and definately not a vacation.

[Anonymous]

1) Why are you vacationing with these people?
2) if you feel you must vacation together (e.g., only way your kids get to see grandparents), then you should still plan for everything to include only your nuclear family. Invite others, but don't tell the kids that everyone will do X, just say, "You, me and Daddy will be doing X." Drive your own car, keep your own key, etc. What you are doing now is to set others up to have control, then getting pissed when they don't use their control the way you wanted. Give it up.