Reply to Surviving the holidays with the passive aggressive

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[quote=Anonymous]Regardless of the definition of what type of behavior your sister is using, I just wouldn't care at all.

Why are you sending her emails looking for information? She is thriving on the silent treatment, hoping to "punish" you for whatever wrongs she thinks you have made toward her. This is a game you will never, ever win. Refuse to play. Instead, focus your time and energy on the relatives that are kind and want to spend the time together and make plans. Always include her, but never acknowledge her attempts at drama. Do the legwork ahead of time if you have planned something fun (eg: phoning the place to see if it's open and letting that be known as part of the information in the email). Always invite her, but always count on her to back out last minute. This is who she is. Remind your kids that you are going to spend time with the grandparents and that different families value different things, but you expect your kids to be happy to be with the grandparents most of the time, and any cousin time is bonus time, so no fits are allowed.

You can't control how she will act, and you can't control how the rest of the family behaves or accepts her behavior, but you can control how you react to her. So, just figure out the things that bother you most and get those things solved before the trip. Do not let her leave the rental with the key with the access to the food, or go out and make a copy of the key on the first day. If she sneers about "holding a grudge", you smile and say, "No grudges here, just being prepared, sis. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot". Do these exchanges in front of people if possible, so she really will look like a jerk if she doesn't give up the key/act like a decent human being. If you are being polite, there should be no arguments.  Anticipate that her main go to in any situation will be to make things difficult and be mean, and then change it up so the only fun she's ruining is her own.

I have people like this in my life. They are so draining, especially when they are family! So I get it. But I find the more blase I am, the more unflappable I am, the crazier it makes them. Don't let her ruin the time with your parents. It sounds like such a nice time to spend with them. Don't let her have that power. She is a small, mean person. You can be sorry for her that she turned out that way, but don't let her negativity invade your trip. That's how I would handle it.[/quote]

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