What do you think of my unique sex life?

[Anonymous]

Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

So this is bad news for me. I have a partner that tolerates sex, but rarely enjoys the act itself. Of course, she enjoys the intimacy and other things that go along with having sex though.

The good news is that she lets me dictate every aspect of sex. I pretty much get to decide how much, when, how long, etc. She is quite willing even if she is tired or not in the mood. As explained above, she is rarely truly "in the mood". The best part is that I NEVER have to have sex when I don't want to. She never demands it. I can imagine that most people have to do it to please their partner even when they are not up for it, but I have NEVER experienced this problem. This is a huge plus I think.

This dynamic has resulted in years of rather boring and fast sex. We mostly use the same position. There is very little variety of any kind. I know sex is not like a porn movie or even a Hollywood movie, but I'm pretty sure it should be more exciting than what we have been doing. Sometimes I am happy enough with this but sometimes, I want more excitement. Sometimes, I'd rather masturbate to thoughts of other women. This is probably normal, but sometimes I even want to cheat or find a mistress (which I obviously know would be a very bad thing).

So based on the above, is this a terrible sex life? Or does the good part about it outweigh the bad parts? Any opinions/advice? Should I simply be happy with what I've got?

I suspect some will recommend counseling or better communication regarding sexual desires. I hate the idea of counseling. We have talked about it in the past and have pretty much settled for the boring and fast sex. When I try to demand more variety, it clearly makes her uncomfortable, so we revert back to the basics.

[Anonymous]

welcome to marriage, is this your first year?

[Anonymous]

I suspect it's not unique at all.

Lady here. In my former marriage, the sex was boring. It was good for years, but then the usual things happened. Kid. Sleep deprivation. Trying to rekindle a spark. Failing. Reverting to boring sex. Being unfulfilled. It wasn't that I was low desire or that he was high desire. It wasn't that either of us wanted kinky things in bed that the other was unwilling to do. It wasn't that either of us had a traumatic or repressive sexual history. It wasn't that we'd never been sexually compatible. We just lost the spark and couldn't spark it again, despite trying for over a year to do so. Counseling didn't help.

We ultimately got divorced for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

IF you want exciting, why don't you create/introduce exciting? Especially if your wife mostly goes along to get along. You have to take the reins, if you want her in lingerie, buy her some and lay it on the bed. By the toys, introduce them.

Exciting will not create itself. It will require work on your part. Be thankful that you have a willing partner

[Anonymous]

Men are obsessed with sex and play Jr. psychologist when the wife doesn't want to be pawed 24/7.

Here's a tip, stop watching porn. Those women get paid to do it all day every which way. We don't. Plus, every session in your marital bed doesn't have to be a homemade porn night.

[Anonymous]

^^ love this.

There are concerns among psychologists that the amount of available porn is creating disconnected and dissatisfied people.

[Anonymous]

Given the numerous posts about this, I don't think it's unique.

I don't understand how someone comes to prefer boring sex. It doesn't have to be crazy every time, but how can you prefer one act in the same position for 10+ years?!?! I'd like to understand that. Do you find that passionate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

Have you tried making it enjoyable for her? It sounds like you are fine with her discomfort, which you shouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

Have you tried making it enjoyable for her? It sounds like you are fine with her discomfort, which you shouldn't be.

Oh come on, PP. Read his whole post. He likes that she is willing to let him do whatever he wants to her, as often as he wants, in exactly the manner he wants. He thinks it's a plus that it's all on his terms. This post isn't a cry for help. It's a brag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

Have you tried making it enjoyable for her? It sounds like you are fine with her discomfort, which you shouldn't be.

Oh come on, PP. Read his whole post. He likes that she is willing to let him do whatever he wants to her, as often as he wants, in exactly the manner he wants. He thinks it's a plus that it's all on his terms. This post isn't a cry for help. It's a brag.

This is not a brag. I would much prefer a willing participant. As I said before, she doesn't enjoy it. To be considerate I finish fast and we use a position that she is happy with. Her terms would be to hug only and no sex which is not acceptable to me. Thus we are compromising. It is working but it is not ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

Have you tried making it enjoyable for her? It sounds like you are fine with her discomfort, which you shouldn't be.

Oh come on, PP. Read his whole post. He likes that she is willing to let him do whatever he wants to her, as often as he wants, in exactly the manner he wants. He thinks it's a plus that it's all on his terms. This post isn't a cry for help. It's a brag.

This is not a brag. I would much prefer a willing participant. As I said before, she doesn't enjoy it. To be considerate I finish fast and we use a position that she is happy with. Her terms would be to hug only and no sex which is not acceptable to me. Thus we are compromising. It is working but it is not ideal.

But you say that her letting you control everything is good news.

Assuming that you are not a jerk, here are some questions:

How often do you have sex? How often do you want to have sex? Does your wife have body image issues? Does she have issues with repression in other areas of life? What else do you do together that you find fulfilling? Would she be upset if you masturbated instead of having sex? Are you comfortable talking to her about these issues?

One of the reasons people suggest counseling is that a counselor will facilitate the two of you talking to each other about these issues. She's your wife and she loves you. If the arrangement is a problem for you and you have a solution other than "want it more, wife!", you could just skip the therapist and talk to her about it. Or you could continue to brag about how great it is that your wife lets you do whatever you want and never says no. Your call.

[Anonymous]

My honest opinion is that you probably suck in bed. We have four young children and busy lives, but we still have enjoyable sex 3-4 times a week. We've been together 11 years so we're out of the honeymoon phase. My husband is fun in bed and makes things interesting. I keep myself in shape and expect him to do the same. Most of the time he initiates, but I will too. We had morning sex yesterday and then sex again last night at bedtime. Your sex life isn't unique, it's unfortunately common.

[Anonymous]

This is our sex life. DH is a one trick pony and I have some physical issues that limit things, so I let him have at it whenever, but fortunately things are slowing down for him, too. I really just want to get it over with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I think it is unique:

We've been married, mostly happily, for about 12 years. Like all marriages our sex life (from my perspective) has been amazing at times, and very weak at other times. I'm a normal guy. But my wife simply doesn't enjoy sex. Many times, she even finds it uncomfortable, if not painful. I attribute this to poor sex education as a child. She was raised to believe that it is taboo. On top of that, I know there are some physical issues too that I can't really describe in detail.

So this is bad news for me. I have a partner that tolerates sex, but rarely enjoys the act itself. Of course, she enjoys the intimacy and other things that go along with having sex though.

The good news is that she lets me dictate every aspect of sex. I pretty much get to decide how much, when, how long, etc. She is quite willing even if she is tired or not in the mood. As explained above, she is rarely truly "in the mood". The best part is that I NEVER have to have sex when I don't want to. She never demands it. I can imagine that most people have to do it to please their partner even when they are not up for it, but I have NEVER experienced this problem. This is a huge plus I think.

This dynamic has resulted in years of rather boring and fast sex. We mostly use the same position. There is very little variety of any kind. I know sex is not like a porn movie or even a Hollywood movie, but I'm pretty sure it should be more exciting than what we have been doing. Sometimes I am happy enough with this but sometimes, I want more excitement. Sometimes, I'd rather masturbate to thoughts of other women. This is probably normal, but sometimes I even want to cheat or find a mistress (which I obviously know would be a very bad thing).

So based on the above, is this a terrible sex life? Or does the good part about it outweigh the bad parts? Any opinions/advice? Should I simply be happy with what I've got?

I suspect some will recommend counseling or better communication regarding sexual desires. I hate the idea of counseling. We have talked about it in the past and have pretty much settled for the boring and fast sex. When I try to demand more variety, it clearly makes her uncomfortable, so we revert back to the basics.

Having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you is pretty much the definition of shitty sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are obsessed with sex and play Jr. psychologist when the wife doesn't want to be pawed 24/7.

Here's a tip, stop watching porn. Those women get paid to do it all day every which way. We don't. Plus, every session in your marital bed doesn't have to be a homemade porn night.

Does so.