Really struggling with how to handle baby's 1st birthday

[Anonymous]

My baby's first birthday is approaching (2 months), and I am really stressed about how to handle some family conflicts in regards to a party. This is all in relation to my in laws; my family isn't local, and isn't a factor (my parents will come for the baby's birthday, but that's it).

My husband's parents are his mother and step-father (hereafter MIL and FIL). He has two step-siblings (hereafter SIL and BIL). We are close with everyone. The complication is that we spend a good amount of time (holidays and kid birthday parties) with SIL's family - FIL's ex-wife and family (hereafter EXW) - whom MIL and FIL basically refuse to be around. There is a lot of backstory to everything here and the situation has evolved over the 10 years DH and I have been married, but basically we spend religious holidays with SIL, EXW and family because we share the same religion, which is different than MIL and FIL's religion. MIL and FIL no longer attend birthday parties for our nieces and nephews (SIL and BIL's children), due to inlaws' difficulty being around EXW; but DH and I (and now our baby) always attend the parties, of course.

The time we spend with EXW and her family causes conflict with MIL and FIL. We tread VERY lightly, but it's a problem for us, and difficult because after many years of holidays and birthday parties we really feel like EXW and family are our extended family - and we are always treated that way. They are very kind and good to us, and we really enjoy spending time with them. When DH and I decided we wanted to invite EXW and family to a religious event for our son after his birth, I approached MIL and FIL about it first. To call it a heated conversation (on my in laws' part) would be an understatement; there was very nearly a scene at the restaurant we were in. In the end they agreed to it, but they were really unhappy about it.

Our baby is the first grandchild of my MIL's two biological children, and I think the only one she really feels is "her" grandchild (SIL and BIL never lived with her, and she was never involved in parenting them). Being a grandmother to SIL's and BIL's kids has to be shared with EXW, and MIL will always come in second... but she doesn't have to share being a grandmother to our baby (except with MY mom, who lives in a different state).

Having two separate events for our baby's first birthday would be ok with me (not ideal, but fine), but I think that even the suggestion that we'll be having a second, separate event which would include EXW and family is going to cause major problems with MIL and FIL. To be blunt, they don't want us to have a relationship with EXW, period, and to have another birthday party so that we can include EXW and family is going to cause an argument and some major conflict. And unfortunately, arguments with my in laws sometimes do not end well; in the past DH and his parents have gone through periods of no contact at all (the last time was for about a year, and was only a few years ago), and MIL and FIL currently aren't speaking with BIL and his family (for the past ~9 months).

I am really, really struggling with what to do here. How do I manage this in relation to our son's first birthday (and obviously, in subsequent years as well)? It's really easy to say "Just have one event, invite everyone, and let MIL and FIL decide what they're going to do"... but I KNOW (based on 13 years of history with my in laws) that doing that will cause relationship-damaging conflict, and I can't and won't ignore that fact.

Help. What is the solution here? Am I missing some obvious option?

[Anonymous]

Why are they so bitter?

OP, maybe DH can write them an email explaining that while they'll always be the grandparents, the more people and love in your baby's life, the better. You don't want to be put in the middle, and you don't want your baby put in the middle, of emotions that weren't your doing or your battle, and you hope they can put that stuff behind them for the sake of the baby. Thanks for understanding, and DH will call tomorrow (or whatever specific day) to follow up.
Let them read the email and then DH calls them after a day or two. This is their baggage, and you guys have to stop letting them make it yours. If they're nutty and bitter enough to withhold contact for long stretches, there's nothing you can do. You can't let them hold you hostage. And I'm betting they'll be interested enough in the baby not to give the silent treatment for long.

Let us know what happens. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think the first PP states it well.

I also think that it is not so much your problem to manage. Let DH figure out how he wants to approach it with his parents. It's really about his relationship with them, and at the end of the end of the day, he needs to set the boundaries in that relationship. And, if they are furious with anyone, let them be furious with him. They may blame you for the way things are, if DH doesn't communicate himself.

[Anonymous]

Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do. Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it. The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them. If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults. Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Blood is thicker than water. When it comes down to it why hurt MIL over an ex that isn't related to your husband? Push comes to shove the ex will be there for her kids and grand kids not your child. I can bet any money she leaves isn't going to your family. I honestly think if you invite her over MIL's objections you are completely nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do. Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it. The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them. If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults. Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.

This is childish to me. Who is this woman anyways to the OP's family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

+1

Don't make their problem your problem. It is your child's birthday, you are celebrating, everyone is invited.

Whatever they do with that is up to them, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do. Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it. The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them. If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults. Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.

This is childish to me. Who is this woman anyways to the OP's family?

Obviously, this woman is someone who matters enough to OP's family that they are willing to keep her in their lives despite the issues with MIL and FIL, and that is their prerogative. It's not your place to judge what OP considers to be "family." Only she and her husband know why they value the ex, but they DO value her, and short of her having done something they don't know about -- as someone else noted, like stealing or abuse etc. -- it's their call that they want her in their lives. PP, leave it be. The answer above yours is a good one, better than carping about "who this woman is anyway." For all you know, this ex-wife of FIL might have done a thousand things to be good to OP's family.

OP: Be sure that your husband, not you, handles this. It's his role as the adult child here. Way too often the DIL ends up in disputes with her husband's parents when the husband needs to be the one dealing directly with the parents. (Works the other way around too -- adult daughters should be responsible for handling their own folks.)

The early answer about telling MIL and FIL that any love in baby's life is good sounded fine but I would never, ever have DH do this by e-mail. He needs to have the guts to do it face to face. People sit and brood over e-mails, cannot hear tone of voice (kind or harsh? Loud or soft?) in them, and can forward them to others edited and commented on, to "get them on my side." It's also just right to conduct a serious talk in person.

OP, you also asked if you were not seeing some obvious solution here. There is one: No party. Seriously. Parties for babies are entirely, entirely for adult benefit. The baby will not recall anything. You can take cute photos of the baby eating birthday cake at home even if no one else is around. Your parents can come to visit, your in-laws can visit, the ex can visit whenever, but I would just not do a "party" at all. Save yourself the ulcer. Oh, yes, there will be screaming and moaning from some adults. But if you are holding an event JUST because you're expected to by others, -- don't.

If you wanted the party because YOU and DH want it, and want others to share your happiness, that's absolutely fine in principle--but since the in-laws are going to make it a tense mess anyway, your own pleasure in it would be lessened at best, ruined at worst.

Sounds like time for some early boundary establishment with MIL and FIL anyway, on everything to do with how YOUR family choose to spend YOUR time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

This. Bottom line, they are all adults. As adults, they need to act as so. By not talking to family members if they have contact with EXW, they are not acting mature. They are the ones with the issue. If you are willing to have two parties, that is pretty generous of you. If they cut off contact with you because you have EXW at one of the parties, they are attempting to manipulate you and your husband and that is not healthy behavior to teach your baby. If they do that, you need to look at them and say that you are coming up with an equitable solution and you are sorry that they feel the need to be estranged and that your door will always be open should they reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do. Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it. The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them. If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults. Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.

This is childish to me. Who is this woman anyways to the OP's family?

Obviously, this woman is someone who matters enough to OP's family that they are willing to keep her in their lives despite the issues with MIL and FIL, and that is their prerogative. It's not your place to judge what OP considers to be "family." Only she and her husband know why they value the ex, but they DO value her, and short of her having done something they don't know about -- as someone else noted, like stealing or abuse etc. -- it's their call that they want her in their lives. PP, leave it be. The answer above yours is a good one, better than carping about "who this woman is anyway." For all you know, this ex-wife of FIL might have done a thousand things to be good to OP's family.

OP: Be sure that your husband, not you, handles this. It's his role as the adult child here. Way too often the DIL ends up in disputes with her husband's parents when the husband needs to be the one dealing directly with the parents. (Works the other way around too -- adult daughters should be responsible for handling their own folks.)

The early answer about telling MIL and FIL that any love in baby's life is good sounded fine but I would never, ever have DH do this by e-mail. He needs to have the guts to do it face to face. People sit and brood over e-mails, cannot hear tone of voice (kind or harsh? Loud or soft?) in them, and can forward them to others edited and commented on, to "get them on my side." It's also just right to conduct a serious talk in person.

OP, you also asked if you were not seeing some obvious solution here. There is one: No party. Seriously. Parties for babies are entirely, entirely for adult benefit. The baby will not recall anything. You can take cute photos of the baby eating birthday cake at home even if no one else is around. Your parents can come to visit, your in-laws can visit, the ex can visit whenever, but I would just not do a "party" at all. Save yourself the ulcer. Oh, yes, there will be screaming and moaning from some adults. But if you are holding an event JUST because you're expected to by others, -- don't.

If you wanted the party because YOU and DH want it, and want others to share your happiness, that's absolutely fine in principle--but since the in-laws are going to make it a tense mess anyway, your own pleasure in it would be lessened at best, ruined at worst.

Sounds like time for some early boundary establishment with MIL and FIL anyway, on everything to do with how YOUR family choose to spend YOUR time.

Fabulous response. Keep in mind though, that this is the first of many, many potential problems surrounding events. Don't do a party if you wouldn't want one anyway. But if you want a party, now is the time to set the precedent that these events are about your child and the people in his/her life and not about catering to the various adults who have issues with each other. Invite everybody and those who choose not to attend---well, that's their choice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do. Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it. The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them. If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults. Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.

This is childish to me. Who is this woman anyways to the OP's family?

If I read it right, she is the mother of DH's stepsiblings. She is apparently also a good, kind person who is important in the lives of OP, her husband, and their child.

FIL and MIL apparently want even the EXW's children to cut her off (unless FIL has been married more than twice) which is way beyond the pale and doesn't make me all that sympathetic to them.

[Anonymous]

I'll be the odd one out on this and suggest that you cater to your MIL/FIL just this once. Allow them to celebrate this milestone bday with their grandbaby w/o EXW around. Allow them time to dote, adore...just them.

Then if you have to, have another party for the rest of the family. The baby's first birthday party is more about the adults at the party then the baby. Try to keep the party (or parties) short, sweet and fun - with any luck baby won't sleep through it (them), lol. Take pictures.

After the first birthday - you get to invite whoever your little one wants to invite and the guests need to behave.

[Anonymous]

Invite everyone and let them figure it out...I know you said that would cause drama, but its the only way. There will be other religious life events, graduations, weddings, funerals....you cant hold 2 of each of those forever. Draw your boundaries now, before it gets out of control with bigger events.

[Anonymous]

I say handle this birthday in a way that will give you the least amount of drama and will give the adults the most amount of fun. You could even plan one big party for everyone and then ask MIL/FIL if they would prefer to drop by at another time and have a smaller, private celebration - just them. You DO NOT have to handle subsequent bdays the same way as this first one.