Reply to Really struggling with how to handle baby's 1st birthday

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The fact that your in-laws punish you for maintaining a relationship with EXW is wrong, but you don't cause it--they do.  Unless the reason that she's an ex is that she abused FIL, you do not need to take sides, and you are perfectly right to maintain a relationship with someone who is kind, good, and part of your family.

I think the poster at 7:59 has a great suggestion, but ultimately, you have to accept that you do what you think is right (maintain your relationship with EXW) and leave the door open for your in-laws to get over it.  The fact that they avoid their other grandchildren because of this and cut off contact with their other children over it does not speak well of them.  If there is some specific and legitimate reason they have for it, they need to tell you--if EXW was abusive or stole money or something--otherwise, they need to act like adults.  Make your choices on the assumption that they will act like adults; do not twist yourself into pretzels to avoid their childish behavior.  [/quote]

[b]This is childish to me.  Who is this woman anyways to the OP's family?[/b][/quote]

Obviously, this woman is someone who matters enough to OP's family that they are willing to keep her in their lives despite the issues with MIL and FIL, and that is their prerogative. It's not your place to judge what OP considers to be "family." Only she and her husband know why they value the ex, but they DO value her, and short of her having done something they don't know about -- as someone else noted, like stealing or abuse etc. -- it's their call that they want her in their lives. PP, leave it be. The answer above yours is a good one, better than carping about "who this woman is anyway." For all you know, this ex-wife of FIL might have done a thousand things to be good to OP's family.

OP: Be sure that your husband, not you, handles this. It's his role as the adult child here. Way too often the DIL ends up in disputes with her husband's parents when the husband needs to be the one dealing directly with the parents. (Works the other way around too -- adult daughters should be responsible for handling their own folks.)

The early answer about telling MIL and FIL that any love in baby's life is good sounded fine but I would never, ever have DH do this by e-mail. He needs to have the guts to do it face to face. People sit and brood over e-mails, cannot hear tone of voice (kind or harsh? Loud or soft?) in them, and can forward them to others edited and commented on, to "get them on my side." It's also just right to conduct a serious talk in person.

OP, you also asked if you were not seeing some obvious solution here. There is one: No party. Seriously. Parties for babies are entirely, entirely for adult benefit. The baby will not recall anything. You can take cute photos of the baby eating birthday cake at home even if no one else is around. Your parents can come to visit, your in-laws can visit, the ex can visit whenever, but I would just not do a "party" at all. Save yourself the ulcer. Oh, yes, there will be screaming and moaning from some adults. But if you are holding an event JUST because you're expected to by others, -- don't.

If you wanted the party because YOU and DH want it, and want others to share your happiness, that's absolutely fine in principle--but since the in-laws are going to make it a tense mess anyway, your own pleasure in it would be lessened at best, ruined at worst.

Sounds like time for some early boundary establishment with MIL and FIL anyway, on everything to do with how YOUR family choose to spend YOUR time.[/quote]

Fabulous response. Keep in mind though, that this is the first of many, many potential problems surrounding events. Don't do a party if you wouldn't want one anyway. But if you want a party, now is the time to set the precedent that these events are about your child and the people in his/her life and not about catering to the various adults who have issues with each other. Invite everybody and those who choose not to attend---well, that's their choice![/quote]

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