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[quote=Anonymous]My baby's first birthday is approaching (2 months), and I am really stressed about how to handle some family conflicts in regards to a party.  This is all in relation to my in laws; my family isn't local, and isn't a factor (my parents will come for the baby's birthday, but that's it).

My husband's parents are his mother and step-father (hereafter MIL and FIL).  He has two step-siblings (hereafter SIL and BIL).  We are close with everyone.  The complication is that we spend a good amount of time (holidays and kid birthday parties) with SIL's family -  FIL's ex-wife and family (hereafter EXW) - whom MIL and FIL basically refuse to be around.  There is a lot of backstory to everything here and the situation has evolved over the 10 years DH and I have been married, but basically we spend religious holidays with SIL, EXW and family because we share the same religion, which is different than MIL and FIL's religion.  MIL and FIL no longer attend birthday parties for our nieces and nephews (SIL and BIL's children), due to inlaws' difficulty being around EXW; but DH and I (and now our baby) always attend the parties, of course.

The time we spend with EXW and her family causes conflict with MIL and FIL.  We tread VERY lightly, but it's a problem for us, and difficult because after many years of holidays and birthday parties we really feel like EXW and family are our extended family - and we are always treated that way.  They are very kind and good to us, and we really enjoy spending time with them.  When DH and I decided we wanted to invite EXW and family to a religious event for our son after his birth, I approached MIL and FIL about it first.  To call it a heated conversation (on my in laws' part) would be an understatement; there was very nearly a scene at the restaurant we were in.  In the end they agreed to it, but they were really unhappy about it.

Our baby is the first grandchild of my MIL's two biological children, and I think the only one she really feels is "her" grandchild (SIL and BIL never lived with her, and she was never involved in parenting them).  Being a grandmother to SIL's and BIL's kids has to be shared with EXW, and MIL will always come in second... but she doesn't have to share being a grandmother to our baby (except with MY mom, who lives in a different state).

Having two separate events for our baby's first birthday would be ok with me (not ideal, but fine), but I think that even the suggestion that we'll be having a second, separate event which would include EXW and family is going to cause major problems with MIL and FIL.  To be blunt, they don't want us to have a relationship with EXW, period, and to have another birthday party so that we can include EXW and family is going to cause an argument and some major conflict.  And unfortunately, arguments with my in laws sometimes do not end well; in the past DH and his parents have gone through periods of no contact at all (the last time was for about a year, and was only a few years ago), and MIL and FIL currently aren't speaking with BIL and his family (for the past ~9 months).

I am really, really struggling with what to do here.  How do I manage this in relation to our son's first birthday (and obviously, in subsequent years as well)?  It's really easy to say "Just have one event, invite everyone, and let MIL and FIL decide what they're going to do"... but I KNOW (based on 13 years of history with my in laws) that doing that will cause relationship-damaging conflict, and I can't and won't ignore that fact.

Help.  What is the solution here?  Am I missing some obvious option?[/quote]

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