Really struggling with how to handle baby's 1st birthday

[Anonymous]

give kid a cake and take a bunch of pictures, birthday over. don't invite anyone and don't have a party. parties at this age are for the adults anyway.

[Anonymous]

Thank you very, very much for all the responses, and especially to those of you who took your time to give me a fresh perspective. I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about from all sides of this (except the leaving money to us part - huh???), and I'm going to give it all some more careful thought and discuss with DH.

I agree with all those who posted that DH should be handling these conversations and not me. It's another place where I need to set some boundaries, as over the years we've gotten to a state in which DH's parents don't even get in touch with him on things, they always just call/text/email me. That's in part because DH's relationship with his parents has been rather contentious at times, and as I don't have the history with them that he does, I tend to play the role of peace-maker. It causes me a lot of stress though - and this situation is but one example (and far from the worst). I need to change that.

Also, just to clarify: the conflict between BIL's family and my inlaws is not really about EXW. That's only indirectly related. The recent year-long lack of contact between DH and his parents also wasn't about that, or again maybe only indirectly. DH's parents just seem to end up on bad terms with all of the kids at various points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you very, very much for all the responses, and especially to those of you who took your time to give me a fresh perspective. I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about from all sides of this (except the leaving money to us part - huh???), and I'm going to give it all some more careful thought and discuss with DH.

I agree with all those who posted that DH should be handling these conversations and not me. It's another place where I need to set some boundaries, as over the years we've gotten to a state in which DH's parents don't even get in touch with him on things, they always just call/text/email me. That's in part because DH's relationship with his parents has been rather contentious at times, and as I don't have the history with them that he does, I tend to play the role of peace-maker. It causes me a lot of stress though - and this situation is but one example (and far from the worst). I need to change that.

Also, just to clarify: the conflict between BIL's family and my inlaws is not really about EXW. That's only indirectly related. The recent year-long lack of contact between DH and his parents also wasn't about that, or again maybe only indirectly. DH's parents just seem to end up on bad terms with all of the kids at various points.

My point was when push comes to shove who do you think will be there for your family? Exw or MIL? I would be shocked if after all your effort and time EXW remembers your kids when she passes. In my case my own step grandmother completely cut us off after y grandfather died. Wouldn't even give us anything to remember him by after years of cards, calls, visiting and Xmas presents. Quite possible EXW enjoys the drama she creates by having a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

+1 They are either able to suck it up for the grandbaby, or they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you very, very much for all the responses, and especially to those of you who took your time to give me a fresh perspective. I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about from all sides of this (except the leaving money to us part - huh???), and I'm going to give it all some more careful thought and discuss with DH.

I agree with all those who posted that DH should be handling these conversations and not me. It's another place where I need to set some boundaries, as over the years we've gotten to a state in which DH's parents don't even get in touch with him on things, they always just call/text/email me. That's in part because DH's relationship with his parents has been rather contentious at times, and as I don't have the history with them that he does, I tend to play the role of peace-maker. It causes me a lot of stress though - and this situation is but one example (and far from the worst). I need to change that.

Also, just to clarify: the conflict between BIL's family and my inlaws is not really about EXW. That's only indirectly related. The recent year-long lack of contact between DH and his parents also wasn't about that, or again maybe only indirectly. DH's parents just seem to end up on bad terms with all of the kids at various points.

My point was when push comes to shove who do you think will be there for your family? Exw or MIL? I would be shocked if after all your effort and time EXW remembers your kids when she passes. In my case my own step grandmother completely cut us off after y grandfather died. Wouldn't even give us anything to remember him by after years of cards, calls, visiting and Xmas presents. Quite possible EXW enjoys the drama she creates by having a relationship with you.

To be perfectly, completely honest... I think that when push comes to shove, it's MY parents who will be there for us, and SIL and BIL too. Those are the people who HAVE always been there for us, the people we know we can count on 100%. We cannot say the same for MIL and FIL.

I'm very sorry for the way you were treated by your step-grandmother after your grandfather died. That must have been a shock, and very hard for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

+1

Don't make their problem your problem. It is your child's birthday, you are celebrating, everyone is invited.

Whatever they do with that is up to them, not you.

+1

Also... the simplest solution-- a party with just you, DH and baby-- may also be the easiest. Have your own family party. Then, if everyone begs for a party for the sake of making themselves feel good and be part of it-- after all, how many 1 year olds know/care what's going on-- then they could plan it. Therefore, you'd remove yourself from the conflict as you wouldn't have be the host. If they all need to celebrate it, by all means, they can handle the planning and execution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite everyone to one event. Let everyone know that everyone is invited and let them decide to come or not. You shouldn't have to cater to their issues, they are adults.

+1

Don't make their problem your problem. It is your child's birthday, you are celebrating, everyone is invited.

Whatever they do with that is up to them, not you.

+1

Also... the simplest solution-- a party with just you, DH and baby-- may also be the easiest. Have your own family party. Then, if everyone begs for a party for the sake of making themselves feel good and be part of it-- after all, how many 1 year olds know/care what's going on-- then they could plan it. Therefore, you'd remove yourself from the conflict as you wouldn't have be the host. If they all need to celebrate it, by all means, they can handle the planning and execution.

Good idea, but there would be a downside to allowing the others to party plan: it would be on the OP to show up at these various events with the guest of honor and what would happen if the other adults plan conflicting parties? If OP plans a couple of small parties, herself, she'll have control over date/time/how long the parties last...

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't base my decisions on who will leave me stuff when they die. Old interpretations of the phrase "blood is thicker than water" actually refer to blood relatives, as in those who have bled/fought/lived with one, not dna related folk.

[Anonymous]

We do separate events with different sides of the family so that everyone can have their "time" with our child. I would not cater to the animosity of your ILs to the EXW. If the ILs ask what you are doing with the EXW family, just say it's not their concern and don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do separate events with different sides of the family so that everyone can have their "time" with our child. I would not cater to the animosity of your ILs to the EXW. If the ILs ask what you are doing with the EXW family, just say it's not their concern and don't worry about it.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if my son and his wife had a relationship with my husband's ex wife who is not related to him. I'd be pretty appalled. I don't want my husband's ex wife to have ant part of our lives at all. I understand that she is your SIL's family, but your MIL should really come first. Doesn't she get to live a life that is not intruded upon by her husband's ex?

[Anonymous]

It won't matter that it's a birthday. Handle the situation as you would handle any other get together.