How to maintain family relationships for sake of kids when other family doesn't seem that interested

[Anonymous]

I know this has been posted before. We have siblings/cousins on both sides whom we are all on good terms with. I always thought when we all had kids, we would do holidays together, and really try to maintain close relationships for our kids. Without getting into the details now, it's been really disappointing that on both sides (meaning DH and my family) the cousins just aren't that interested in making plans work. I.e. family get togethers only happen if they happen to work for their schedule, and getting together isn't a priority. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but maybe this is just a vent. Anyone else gone through this?

[Anonymous]

You need to examine your expectations-maybe they aren't interested or don't have the time. They also have inlaws that maybe they have to spend time with too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this has been posted before. We have siblings/cousins on both sides whom we are all on good terms with. I always thought when we all had kids, we would do holidays together, and really try to maintain close relationships for our kids. Without getting into the details now, it's been really disappointing that on both sides (meaning DH and my family) the cousins just aren't that interested in making plans work. I.e. family get togethers only happen if they happen to work for their schedule, and getting together isn't a priority. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but maybe this is just a vent. Anyone else gone through this?

How else would they happen? Surely you don't expect them to cancel previously scheduled plans in order to get together. People are busy with jobs and kids, they also have other more immediate family and in-laws to balance, friendships to maintain, etc. If you want to get together, plan events and let the people who can make it, come. People aren't going to maintain relationships so that their kids can be close to their second cousins. You need to lose the ideal family situation you have in your head and look at what the best way is to maintain family relationships with the family you actually have, otherwise you're going to be disappointed a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this has been posted before. We have siblings/cousins on both sides whom we are all on good terms with. I always thought when we all had kids, we would do holidays together, and really try to maintain close relationships for our kids. Without getting into the details now, it's been really disappointing that on both sides (meaning DH and my family) the cousins just aren't that interested in making plans work. I.e. family get togethers only happen if they happen to work for their schedule, and getting together isn't a priority. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but maybe this is just a vent. Anyone else gone through this?

How else would they happen? Surely you don't expect them to cancel previously scheduled plans in order to get together. People are busy with jobs and kids, they also have other more immediate family and in-laws to balance, friendships to maintain, etc. If you want to get together, plan events and let the people who can make it, come. People aren't going to maintain relationships so that their kids can be close to their second cousins. You need to lose the ideal family situation you have in your head and look at what the best way is to maintain family relationships with the family you actually have, otherwise you're going to be disappointed a lot.

NP here. Every family I know is over scheduled, especially on weekends. If you want to make plans with out of town relatives your kids are probably going to have to miss some sports practice or someone's birthday party. I am close with my cousins and so we do rearrange our schedules in order to get together -- if we didn't, it would never happen. If I were in OP's shoes I would definitely be hurt that the other families aren't willing to do this. But OP, you can't force it if they're not interested. And if you keep bending over backwards to see them when it's not reciprocated, you will eventually start feeling resentful. Sometimes things don't work out the way we had pictured them in our minds. If you want your kids to have those close cousin-type relationships, I would focus your energy on getting together with friends who want the same thing. They don't have to be blood relatives to feel like cousins.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just empathy. I imagined my kids developing a close relation with their cousins, but my brother has no interest in doing stuff with us ever.

[Anonymous]

My family has chaotic lives as well. We do a family dinner a couple times a year. It is always at my house and I always have to do most of the planning and shopping. We usually will pick a theme (like fall flavors) and cook stuff from scratch from our culture (We are 2nd and 3rd generation Italians). We do homemade pasta, ravioli and various dishes. Everyone gets together and makes at least one dish and we all do it together. We start at about 1 or 2 in the afternoon and eat somewhere around 6 or 7. It is a great time to bond and everyone looks forward to the next one. It takes about a day or two for me to clean the kitchen (we make a lot of food and a lot of mess) but it is worth it. We have all gotten to try new foods and we have a fabulous time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this has been posted before. We have siblings/cousins on both sides whom we are all on good terms with. I always thought when we all had kids, we would do holidays together, and really try to maintain close relationships for our kids. Without getting into the details now, it's been really disappointing that on both sides (meaning DH and my family) the cousins just aren't that interested in making plans work. I.e. family get togethers only happen if they happen to work for their schedule, and getting together isn't a priority. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but maybe this is just a vent. Anyone else gone through this?

Well, wouldn't any family get together have to work for YOUR schedule, too? How can you get together if it doesn't work?
What is your definition of "getting together?" Getting everyone who shares DNA in the same room at the same time? You may need to adjust your thinking, especially if there is any distance (miles) involved, and if any of the kids are kind of young.

If your family members aren't willing to change THEIR schedules, have you shown ANY inclination to adjust yours? ie, I know for a fact it gets REALLY old REALLY fast to always be the family that is expected to take off work, leave work early, change your schedule in order to accommodate everyone else (who always has a REALLY good excuse).

[Anonymous]

Can you try doing holiday get-togethers on a different day from the actual holiday? So, you do your family Christmas party in early January for instance (or the equivalent for whatever holidays you are aiming to celebrate together).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just empathy. I imagined my kids developing a close relation with their cousins, but my brother has no interest in doing stuff with us ever.

+1. It's not my SIL - she's great. It's my brother. It is difficult to see the close relationships he has with her sisters' kids. I keep telling my kids I want them to be close when they are older but have no answer when they ask why I am not close with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just empathy. I imagined my kids developing a close relation with their cousins, but my brother has no interest in doing stuff with us ever.

+1. My sister spends much more time with and visiting her fiancee's family than me and her niece. Hurts but what can I do? I a lot for her when she was younger but she does what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just empathy. I imagined my kids developing a close relation with their cousins, but my brother has no interest in doing stuff with us ever.

+1. My brother has no interest in doing stuff with us either. He lives 30 minutes away. No explanation and no apologies when he declines or cancels.

[Anonymous]

Could you just invite cousins over to play with your kids? Or let's say you're going to the zoo or to a movie, call up and offer to take the cousins along with your kids? Rather than trying to plan some big huge family gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you just invite cousins over to play with your kids? Or let's say you're going to the zoo or to a movie, call up and offer to take the cousins along with your kids? Rather than trying to plan some big huge family gathering?

My brother declines those invites. Or cancels the day before or morning of because one of the kids was sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you just invite cousins over to play with your kids? Or let's say you're going to the zoo or to a movie, call up and offer to take the cousins along with your kids? Rather than trying to plan some big huge family gathering?

My brother declines those invites. Or cancels the day before or morning of because one of the kids was sick.

OP, are you making these invitations just for the kids to accompany you and yours, or are you also expecting your brother to attend these kinds of day outings? If you are expecting him to come along, I'd stop, and phrase it along the lines of: "DH and I and the kids would like to take Cousins with us to the zoo next weekend or the weekend after. That will give you and SIL some time to yourselves" and so on.

In other words, is it possible that his refusals and cancellations are really about the fact that HE doesn't want to come along, but he would be OK with you taking his kids places?

Also, you say your brother is the issue but your SIL is fine -- do you make the invitations directly to her, or to your brother? If you're going via him on these invitations, stop, and contact SIL instead. If' she's cool and you are comfortable with her, you probably even can say freely, "SIL, I have to say, whenever I've made these kinds of invitations in the past, Brother seems always to either decline or cancel. Hey, is it me? Because I like your kids and am happy to do things with them. Can you help run interference for me here? I figured out that if I invite Brother he's not going to say yes, so I'm inviting just Cousins so you and Brother can have time alone together and the kids can all see each other."

This doesn't work of course if their kids are very small, but if their kids are old enough to go off with you for a few hours or a day, that's what I'd do. Phrase it as win-win for them (time off), don't expect Brother to participate, get SIL on your side. She may commiserate more than you realize -- it's possible that he's this way with his own family and even with her nieces and nephews in ways you do not see. He may seem closer to them than to your kids but he also may not be as participatory with those other cousins as you believe. And are the other cousins perhaps older, so he communicates with them better, or they're boys and he prefers that so they can roughhouse, or they have interests that are like his...? I'm not saying that those things would justify his forever saying no, but it's worth considering whether those other cousins are somehow at an age or stage or have interests that he connects with better. Some adults just can't muster even fake interest in kids in general, even if the kids are relations, but only get engaged if there is specific connection like a shared interest in something.

Also, consider that your family history may play a part. Don't know if this is your case, but if he associates you with growing up and he found growing up to be painful in some way, then even if he does not blame you for those issues, he still may be avoiding you and your family because it reminds him too much of your parents, your home life, whatever. Again, that may not be the case. But it's something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just empathy. I imagined my kids developing a close relation with their cousins, but my brother has no interest in doing stuff with us ever.

+1. My brother has no interest in doing stuff with us either. He lives 30 minutes away. No explanation and no apologies when he declines or cancels.

I wonder if you're my sister and we have the same brother. There's no point in ever making any plans with him, because if he doesn't cancel, he'll be 3 hours late without explanation. I'm done making excuses for him. He's one of those people talks a talk about appreciating and spending time with family, but the actions don't match.

But I'm grateful that there are other siblings who seem intent on maintaining family relationships - it doesn't have to be frequently, but it has to have quality and dependability.