Reply to How to maintain family relationships for sake of kids when other family doesn't seem that interested

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Could you just invite cousins over to play with your kids? Or let's say you're going to the zoo or to a movie, call up and offer to take the cousins along with your kids? Rather than trying to plan some big huge family gathering?[/quote]

My brother declines those invites. Or cancels the day before or morning of because one of the kids was sick. [/quote]

OP, are you making these invitations just for the kids to accompany you and yours, or are you also expecting your brother to [i]attend[/i] these kinds of day outings? If you are expecting him to come along, I'd stop, and phrase it along the lines of: "DH and I and the kids would like to take Cousins with us to the zoo next weekend or the weekend after. That will give you and SIL some time to yourselves" and so on.

In other words, is it possible that his refusals and cancellations are really about the fact that HE doesn't want to come along, but he would be OK with you taking his kids places?

Also, you say your brother is the issue but your SIL is fine -- do you make the invitations directly to her, or to your brother? If you're going via him on these invitations, stop, and contact SIL instead. If' she's cool and you are comfortable with her, you probably even can say freely, "SIL, I have to say, whenever I've made these kinds of invitations in the past, Brother seems always to either decline or cancel. Hey, is it me? Because I like your kids and am happy to do things with them. Can you help run interference for me here? I figured out that if I invite Brother he's not going to say yes, so I'm inviting just Cousins so you and Brother can have time alone together and the kids can all see each other."

This doesn't work of course if their kids are [i]very[/i] small, but if their kids are old enough to go off with you for a few hours or a day, that's what I'd do. Phrase it as win-win for them (time off), don't expect Brother to participate, get SIL on your side. She may commiserate more than you realize -- it's possible that he's this way with his own family and even with her nieces and nephews in ways you do not see. He may seem closer to them than to your kids but he also may not be as participatory with those other cousins as you believe. And are the other cousins perhaps older, so he communicates with them better, or they're boys and he prefers that so they can roughhouse, or they have interests that are like his...? I'm not saying that those things would justify his forever saying no, but it's worth considering whether those other cousins are somehow at an age or stage or have interests that he connects with better. Some adults just can't muster even fake interest in kids in general, even if the kids are relations, but only get engaged if there is specific connection like a shared interest in something.

Also, consider that your family history may play a part. Don't know if this is your case, but if he associates you with growing up and he found growing up to be painful in some way, then even if he does not blame you for those issues, he still may be avoiding you and your family because it reminds him too much of your parents, your home life, whatever. Again, that may not be the case. But it's something to think about. [/quote]

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