Weird family issue.
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Anonymous
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When I was ages 7-9, we had a male relative stay with us while attending college. I thought he was the greatest guy ever and looked up to him. I was an extrovert in a family of introverts and having someone else who was outgoing, social and energetic to hang out with was awesome. I also loved that he paid attention to me, seemed to really enjoy my company. and spending time with me as I didn't really get that from my parents. Suddenly one day he moved out after living with us for about 3 years, he was just gone. I really didn't get any answers until I was about 18. I had heard from mutual friends where he was and told my parents I was going to get in touch with him to catch up. They got really mad and told me I was not to talk to him and that they had suspicions he had sexually abused me. I was absolutely shocked. Never, ever had anything happened that I know of.
I did get back in touch with him anyways (that was 25 years ago) and have stayed in touch ever since. He has gone on to have a family and I have never seen anything inappropriate or anything that gave me pause. I still have no instinct or memory of him ever doing anything sexual to me. He is at family functions and we see / hear about him often but basically I can't mention his name around my parents and it has become this weird awkward thing we don't talk about, although they have long given up warning me about him and being disappointed in me that I chose to stay in touch. It is also weird for me that they think I have been sexually abused when I haven't been. I am not sure if I should just keep with the status quo or if I should say / do something. I really don't know though what I could say that would change their perspective. We will all be at a family wedding this weekend and I dread managing the dynamic of that! Any thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Have you asked your parents for more details on why they suspect you were abused? while he does sound like a "groomer" I think u would recall sexual abuse at that age. |
Anonymous
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I would ask my parents what made them believe this?
Did the see or hear something? |
Anonymous
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You have to ask your parents -- even if its uncomfortable.
Who knows -- they could have caught him "panty sniffing" or something along those lines, where you would not have be physically abused and wouldn't have known about it, but it would give them reason for concern. |
Anonymous
+1. Excellent point, pp. |
Anonymous
| How could you not ask your parents for details? |
Anonymous
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Op here. I realize as an adult that he isn't the most socially skilled person and tends to not have great boundaries. He is kind of a touchy-feely person and I have seen him kind of make people uncomfortable - being in their personal space or grabbing their arm to drag them onto the dance floor. He has a bit of an over the top personality, he can be a bit loud and impulsive (he also has untreated ADHD).
I do know their concerns, they told me those when I was 18 and planning to get back in touch with him. They didn't like that he paid so much attention to me, that he was physically affectionate with me (I would sit on his lap), and they found him in my bed in his underwear. That happened and I actually used to sneak out of my room and get into his bed however it was because he would tell me these amazing stories that he would make up (or were movie plots) and I would ask him all kinds of questions and we would keep adding to the story. To my knowledge there was never anything sexual, any touching, and none of the stories ever had a sexual overtone. As an adult I can see the inappropriateness in this however I actually still have very fond memories of those stories and of being able to be creative and imaginative. My parents were scientists and very rational/logical people and they didn't appreciate my imagination and creative stories! So I can understand their suspicion but I I really truly 100% don't think (based on everything that I can remember, and my instinct) that anything bad ever happened. |
Anonymous
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I think I would force my parents' hand. Explain that their suspicions about him molesting you were wrong, and unless they found/saw/heard evidence to convince you otherwise you are going to keep him in your life. It is unfair to him and you to insist that you freeze him out without giving a reason. If they do have evidence it is also potentially unfair to the children in this man's life that they keep this a secret forever. What if one of his grandkids confides in a relative one day that she has been molested by this man? It does no one any good to totally bury the fact that Uncle Joe kept a stash of kiddie porn in his closet. Even if there's nothing anyone can do right now with that information it doesn't mean that it won't be crucial once your parents are gone, and along with them their secret.
But.. He could be a gem of a man and you will always have that suspicion anyway unless your parents spill their guts. |
Anonymous
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sounds like he may have been positioning himself to groom you - potentially. he should have known as an adult that the in the bed thing was inappropriate even if it wasn't ever anything beyond that. based on what you've described I can see why even if you were never touched in a bad way or told them he did that they wanted to cut off contact.
no parent would want to take that chance. it's fine you want to give him the benefit of doubt, but it seems off to me a little just reading about it. |
Anonymous
| It's probably hard for you to see, even as an adult now, that it was terribly inappropriate behavior on his part. If I found a college aged boy in my 9 yr old DD's bed, you bet I would kick him out! You are still looking at it from your 9 yr old self's mind. However, it is up to you how you want to proceed with him - any kind of relationship or not. You are an adult now. But try to understand where your parents were coming from back then. |
Anonymous
NP here - very wise statement. |
Anonymous
| Umm you are an adult now. Make the decision on if you want him in your life. |
Anonymous
I did make that decision. As I said in the first post, we have kept in touch all along. My issue is the weirdness around my parents thinking I was sexually abused and me knowing I wasn't. Of them seeing him as a possible pedophile and me seeing him as a family member that I care about. As I said, I know now as an adult looking back that it was inappropriate, and I understand why my parents suddenly kicked him out. Inappropriate though doesn't make it sexual abuse and those two things to me are quite different. I am not sure why they didn't / can't believe me when I told them nothing sexual ever happened. It is that difference of perspectives that makes it awkward when we are all together. I haven't addressed this issue or awkwardness with them in a very long time and I am trying to decide if I should say something or not. |
Anonymous
No need to address it. Although you seem slightly obsessed with this man. |
Anonymous
| It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details. |