Weird family issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a parent? If so, I'm concerned for your children. Who is protecting them if their mother own can't see how an adult male lying in bed in his underwear with a little girl is inappropriate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Woah. I bet the decision your parents made to kick him out was hard (even if it was something they hadvto do). If I were them, I wouldn't want to hash it out with you either. You clearly do not get that it is crazy inappropriate for a grown man to lay in a little girls bed at all, let alone in his underwear (even if there was no snuggling). You really should thank your parents. Perhaps their protection of you left only good memories intact. You have no idea what could have happened. Even if he seems like a great, non-pedophile dad.

Seriously, put it to rest. Your parents should not be convinced to somehow be ok with your relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

No one finds him creepy? That's your evidence that he's a good guy? You do realize that child molesters are very good at going undetected. They usually ARENT "creepy." They are usually the people you never expect - that's why they get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one finds him creepy? That's your evidence that he's a good guy? You do realize that child molesters are very good at going undetected. They usually ARENT "creepy." They are usually the people you never expect - that's why they get away with it.

They also are good at gaining trust and the "comfortable" feeling their targets have with them. OP, your "memory" may be seriously clouded.

[Anonymous]

Finally, parents did the right thing. Should your parents have waited for him to rape you? If in found a male in bed in us underwear with my 8 year old daughter I would have cut his balls off. Then called the police.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute, I get where everyone is going but in the original posting he was
1. a relative
2. lived with the family for 3 years
so it is no just some random guy jumping into bed with an 8 y/o girl. More like an older brother, an uncle, etc

And it would be a really weird situation for my parents to say "you were sexually abused, we know you were darn it" and me saying "no really, I wasn't" and have them not believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute, I get where everyone is going but in the original posting he was
1. a relative
2. lived with the family for 3 years
so it is no just some random guy jumping into bed with an 8 y/o girl. More like an older brother, an uncle, etc

And it would be a really weird situation for my parents to say "you were sexually abused, we know you were darn it" and me saying "no really, I wasn't" and have them not believe me.

Naive. Many molesters are relatives. Many molesters live with the family. OP's parents were the adults back then, not OP's 9 year old self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one finds him creepy? That's your evidence that he's a good guy? You do realize that child molesters are very good at going undetected. They usually ARENT "creepy." They are usually the people you never expect - that's why they get away with it.

Anonymous wrote:Naive. Many molesters are relatives. Many molesters live with the family. OP's parents were the adults back then, not OP's 9 year old self.

OK. So child molesters go undetected and look just like normal people. Therefore we should condemn all normal people?

Many molesters are relatives. Therefore we should condemn all relatives?

Yes, OP's parents were adults back then. And OP was a child. And I think OP's parents were TOTALLY right to do what they had to do to protect their child from a POSSIBLE bad situation. But OP is an adult now. OP can judge for herself whether or not this guy is someone she wants to continue to be friendly with.

Even if this guy was trying to "groom" her, maybe he has reformed. I know it is supposed to be rare that pedophiles truly reform, but I suspect if there were convincing evidence that they NEVER reform, then they'd stay in jail longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one finds him creepy? That's your evidence that he's a good guy? You do realize that child molesters are very good at going undetected. They usually ARENT "creepy." They are usually the people you never expect - that's why they get away with it.

Anonymous wrote:Naive. Many molesters are relatives. Many molesters live with the family. OP's parents were the adults back then, not OP's 9 year old self.

OK. So child molesters go undetected and look just like normal people. Therefore we should condemn all normal people?

Many molesters are relatives. Therefore we should condemn all relatives?

Yes, OP's parents were adults back then. And OP was a child. And I think OP's parents were TOTALLY right to do what they had to do to protect their child from a POSSIBLE bad situation. But OP is an adult now. OP can judge for herself whether or not this guy is someone she wants to continue to be friendly with.

Even if this guy was trying to "groom" her, maybe he has reformed. I know it is supposed to be rare that pedophiles truly reform, but I suspect if there were convincing evidence that they NEVER reform, then they'd stay in jail longer.

Again, naive. And, who said all relatives should be condemned? Clearly this guy was and still is creepy. Also, are you actually suggesting that if he was in fact grooming her, she should believe that he is reformed and therefore be his friend and expose her own family to his creepisess? No one is saying send him to jail, but she should not expose her family to him. We all have a clouded memory of our childhood. Her parents probably know more than she does about the situation back then. She doesn't want to believe that he was creepy because in her memory, not in reality, he wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute, I get where everyone is going but in the original posting he was
1. a relative
2. lived with the family for 3 years
so it is no just some random guy jumping into bed with an 8 y/o girl. More like an older brother, an uncle, etc

And it would be a really weird situation for my parents to say "you were sexually abused, we know you were darn it" and me saying "no really, I wasn't" and have them not believe me.

I've an older brother and uncles. No one's ever got in bed with me when I was a kid.

But here's the thing, you can like him now all you want. But stop expecting your parents to feel any different about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different ideas about exactly where the line is between appropriate and inappropriate. My father walked about the house naked until after I had moved out of the house. I assume he still does, but he doesn't when I visit. It is what had been done in his house growing up. There was never anything sexual about it. But I can guarantee you that most people would think it was highly inappropriate for a young girl to grow up around this.

I think for this man who was not a part of your nuclear family that you had grown up with to behave as he did with a young girl (mostly naked in bed with you) would be considered inappropriate by an even higher percentage of the population than my father's nakedness. But, it is still more of an "appearance of impropriety" than anything clearly wrong happening (assuming you having blocked out the memories). There is some possibility he was "grooming" you, and also some possibility he just didn't see the problem with it. You have mentioned he is socially inept and has problems with boundaries.

I think it might be good to reach some sort of peace with your parents over this, but you know better than I whether or not peace would be the result or if it would just stir the pot. If it were me, and I decided to address it, I'd probably start out by letting them know you understand better now that you are an adult and thanking them for doing what they felt they should to protect you. Then explain that you have no memory of anything sexual, and your adult assessment of the situation is what while he really blew it in terms of appropriate boundaries, you don't believe his intent was sexual or otherwise inappropriate. Invite them to share information they may have that you don't (or at least don't remember). Then proceed from there as seems appropriate based on what they share. For your sake, I hope they won't have anything shocking to share with you, and also that they will at least be able to "agree to disagree" and let this fade into the past.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a parent? If so, I'm concerned for your children. Who is protecting them if their mother own can't see how an adult male lying in bed in his underwear with a little girl is inappropriate.

+1

+2

That alone would be enough to put him on the street if he had been in my house. Telling stories in his underwear? Full-clothed, sitting up--sure. But IN HIS UNDERWEAR? OP, really. C'mon. Common sense is not so common, I'm afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I realize as an adult that he isn't the most socially skilled person and tends to not have great boundaries. He is kind of a touchy-feely person and I have seen him kind of make people uncomfortable - being in their personal space or grabbing their arm to drag them onto the dance floor. He has a bit of an over the top personality, he can be a bit loud and impulsive (he also has untreated ADHD).

I do know their concerns, they told me those when I was 18 and planning to get back in touch with him. They didn't like that he paid so much attention to me, that he was physically affectionate with me (I would sit on his lap), and they found him in my bed in his underwear. That happened and I actually used to sneak out of my room and get into his bed however it was because he would tell me these amazing stories that he would make up (or were movie plots) and I would ask him all kinds of questions and we would keep adding to the story. To my knowledge there was never anything sexual, any touching, and none of the stories ever had a sexual overtone. As an adult I can see the inappropriateness in this however I actually still have very fond memories of those stories and of being able to be creative and imaginative. My parents were scientists and very rational/logical people and they didn't appreciate my imagination and creative stories!

So I can understand their suspicion but I I really truly 100% don't think (based on everything that I can remember, and my instinct) that anything bad ever happened.

So you are upset that your parents tried to protect you from what they felt was a potentially dangerous situation? IMO seems like your parents loved and still love you, and wanted to keep you safe. So now you are upset with them? Do you have children? If so, wouldn't you follow your gut and do anything to protect them?

I mean, you were sneaking into his bed!? To tell stories that can perfectly be told with you sitting on the floor? Open your eyes, your parents thought something was off and protected you. Think about the Penn state situation! with parents thinking something was off. Sometimes all the red flags are there but we are too deep in to see even one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a parent? If so, I'm concerned for your children. Who is protecting them if their mother own can't see how an adult male lying in bed in his underwear with a little girl is inappropriate.

+1

+2

That alone would be enough to put him on the street if he had been in my house. Telling stories in his underwear? Full-clothed, sitting up--sure. But IN HIS UNDERWEAR? OP, really. C'mon. Common sense is not so common, I'm afraid.

If this happened in our house, either or both DH and I would get our gun. WTF!

[Anonymous]

Some people sleep in their underwear. Remember, it was OP who climbed in HIS bed. OP, I think you are craving older male attention. You need to leave this cousin alone before you get him in trouble.