Oh, you know, another MIL thread!
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Anonymous
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I have the most selfish, passive aggressive, overbearing and difficult MIL on the planet. My DH understands how difficult she is but wants me to grow thick skin and not let her phase me. He insists she has always been the way she is and that she is not changing. For 8 years, I have kept my mouth shut and ignored her acts for attention. I feel like I am at my breaking point but am hanging on because I do not want any drama for DH. MIL is one of those people who is always mad at someone and blames everyone for everything. She takes no ownership and doesn't see that she's the common denominator in most situations.
I've offered to completely remove myself from every situation with MIL. Meaning, I won't attend Christmas, Thanksgiving, won't see her on the weekends, won't talk to her when she calls randomly...all this so that I won't be bothered by her obnoxious acts. DH doesn't want me to do that. Again, he insists that I need to just let her be, move on and kill her with silence. Anyone been here? Words of encouragement, please! |
Anonymous
| DH needs to man up and talk to his mom. He needs to always take your side above hers. And the child of the offending parent should always bring up concerns to their parent. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree with you that he needs to take care of his Mom. He's tried. I've heard him on the phone and he's even spoken to her face to face while I am upstairs. She doesn't change. She just gets pissed off and never apologizes. It's a constant circle of her being upset with someone. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL is not going to change. She's just not.
You can only control your own behavior. You can smile and ignore her, or you can skip Xmas/Tgiving/etc. If you decide to skip, don't have any illusions that your absence will make MIL think twice about her behavior. It won't. She'll just blame you. It sounds like your DH does not want to skip spending holidays with his family. So presumably y'all will be spending at least some of those occasions apart, while he visits his family on his own. Are you OK with that? Is he OK with that? Me, personally, I think you and DH need to work out a compromise. Assuming MIL is going to continue to be a horrible person, how much time can you handle spending there? If they're far away, can you stay at a hotel and only go to their home for the holiday meal itself? Or can you handle Xmas or Tgiving, one or the other but not both? Figure out what your tolerance is (and maybe it's none), and then work with your DH to figure out the best way y'all can accommodate your limited tolerance for his mom. Just give up on her ever seeing the light. It doesn't happen. She's not gonna get her comeuppance and see the light. You either deal with her how she is or you don't. |
Anonymous
I could have written this post, exactly. My MIL is sooo passive aggressive - SUCH an attention ho! And a huge control freak! She must command the show - no matter what. Amazing! I know my DH is embarrassed by her - and I try to not rub it in - And as my DC get older and more aware of their surroundings and relationships, I realized that my interactions with her demonstrate to my DC how to interact with difficult people. Sure, it's easy to just check out (and believe me, I do NOT attend each. and. every. family dinner!) but major holidays/birthdays - sure. And I smile and nod and hope that my DC develop a meaningful relationship with her, as well as take cues from me on how to deal with difficult people. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Ugh. How I sympathize. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem. I know, I've had the same problem. For a time, I refused to attend any event where DH's (then BF/fiancé) extended family was in attendance. I was fine with his mother/father but his extended family was another matter. It was okay for them to treat me like shit but not for him to say anything to them. We had to go to freakin counseling for it - which is what I suggest you do. Yeah, you could remove yourself from her presence for the foreseeable future but it's going to totally suck that you aren't with your nuclear family on holidays - year after year after year. Believe you me, some major resentment is going to build in you.
I suggest counseling because your DH has not done all that he can. Talking to your MIL is one thing but talk is cheap. There need to be consequences for negative behaviors. I didn't see in your post that anything like that has happened. Let's face it, removing yourself from MIL's presence is not viable in the long term. You're relationship with your DH will suffer and chances are you can't sustain it. So where does that leave you? Worse than where you are now and you have reinforced your MIL's power. Got to a counselor and develop a plan that preserves your relationship and your sanity. hugs! |
Anonymous
| It seems like you see the only solution as you being completely passive and your DH handling the situation. Why have you not spoken up for yourself in 8 years for Pete's sake? If she's a bully, say something. You are not going to receive a reward in heaven for being a silent passive victim. |
Anonymous
I agree. Bully her right back. Never raise your voice though; the person who keeps a normal tone generally wins. If she's disrespectful to you in your own home, ask her to leave. Set some boundaries. She has to be civil or she can't be around you. The difference is you offered to withdraw from the holidays. You and your husband should insist the MIL withdraws until the behavior changes. Isolate her, not yourself. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you necessarily should remove yourself from all situations involving your MIL, but I agree that you should limit them. So, don't talk to her on the phone. Skip the weekend visits (if she's so awful, why do you visit her with any regularity?) Pick a holiday to suck it up and deal with. But if your husband understands that his mother is difficult, he should understand why you don't want to deal with her on a regular basis. You guys need to work out a solution together, and it can't just be that you grow a thick skin. If nothing else, he needs to accept that you are going to respond in the way that feels best to you--calling her out on her bad behavior, for example. |
Anonymous
DH needs to man up and talk to his mom. He needs to always take your side above hers when she is being unreasonable and in the wrong. And the child of the offending parent should always bring up concerns to their parent. I agree with what you wrote for the most part - for a younger couple. Having a MIL who has 4 other DIL's, I see both sides of it. In a few cases, the DIL is the one who is being the jerk. If my DH felt strongly that I was being the unreasonable one, I would not expect him to engage in conflict with his mom on my behalf. At the same time, I have been married 20 years and I am confident enough to fight these battles myself. OP said she is 8 years in and I think that is the gray zone. By the time they get to double figures, I do not think that any wife should be hiding behing her DH when it comes to conflicts with MIL's. That is just my opinion. |
Anonymous
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OP, I agree that you and DH need to work out a compromise. Tell him that you understand that she won't change, and that you accept that fact--and that your natural reaction to it is not to want to spend time around her. DH has his way of coping, but that doesn't need to be your way. I think you set some limits--how much time you're willing to spend with her--and then let DH be free to see her without you, possibly or possibly not taking the kids.
So, perhaps you compromise that you'll spend time with her around one major holiday a year (Thanksgiving or Christmas), but otherwise you'd prefer he see her separately for the other holiday. Perhaps you'll attend one family dinner a month, but otherwise it's on him. DH is basically asking you to do the hard work of facilitating his relationship with his mom and your kids. That's not your job...that's his job. It's his mom. So, along with reduced time, let all communication with her go through DH. Let him figure out birthday and Christmas presents. You might be able to handle smaller amounts of time together if DH takes the bulk of the responsibility for it. I agree with a PP that a counselor might be helpful for this process. |
Anonymous
This!!!! Amazing to me that some women want to play the doormat and then blame their DH's for it. What the hell are you afraid of? My MIL is difficult as hell although MY parents are more difficult (especially my Dad). My DH has always stood up to my dad and never expected me to intervene. He said that I should have his back - not his front. So when I had my first run-in with my MIL, my DH's behavior was a cue. I respectfuly sttod up to my MIL and I still do it. What you women do not understand is that MIL's KNOW that you are pressuring your DH to intervene - they were DILs themselves. So to them, you look weak and divisive (because you are putting her son in the middle of your spat). That solves the short term issue but does not help in the long run. Speak up for yourself! |
Anonymous
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Time to figure out an entirely different approach OP. Clearly what you've done for 8 years has not worked - so go 180 degrees in another direction.
Stop expecting different results from the same behavior at this point, and don't expect her to really change. All you can do is change how you respond, manage, interact... |
Anonymous
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1. MIL will not change. 2. DH has to support you as best he can, not by talking to MIL, but by limiting contact with MIL. 3. Put your foot down, speak up and limit contact. Spend a large part of the holidays as a family unit with other people than MIL. 4. Don't be silent if MIL bullies you, DH, or your children. Your house, your rules: she has to leave if she offends in your house. If you're in hers, you can leave with your family. 5. Never answer the phone if you know it's MIL - obviously. Emails can be forgotten as well. |
Anonymous
| Set up phase 1 by ognoring her so she doesn't faze you. |