How do you get over a fear of someone you can't get away from?
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Anonymous
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Long story, but I'm having to deal with someone in my life that I am absolutely terrified of. Legally, I cannot cut this person off, although I have drawn very strict boundaries, which have helped somewhat. There is a history of abuse - sexual, mental, emotional, everything short of leaving marks. This person disappears for 6-12 months at a time, then shows up randomly right when I'm dealing with other stress (which is a coincidence as they have no way of knowing what is going on in my life).
Every time this person communicates with me, I physically shake, I cry, I want to throw up, my heart races, I get cold sweats, the whole nine yards. I am tired of reacting like this. I have been to therapy, the rational part of my brain knows that this person cannot and will not do anything to hurt me, that I am justified in standing my ground against ridiculous demands . . . but I am still so scared of standing up for myself. I can do it if the other person violates the court order, but in the gray areas, I wimp out. I hate feeling so weak and emotional. I am not a weak, wishy-washy person, but just seeing that email address in my inbox cuts me down immediately. I have a wonderfully supportive family and partner, but I can tell they are frustrated with my reaction and inability to just deal with it. I need to find a way to be rational and practical again. Without telling this person off, as that would just make the situation worse (but is something I have fantasized about). How do you tap into that "fight" reflex? My instinct is to freeze and it doesn't work. |
Anonymous
| HUH??? |
Anonymous
| Maybe you should get a restraining order. Someone who sexually and mentally abused you should not be in your life. |
Anonymous
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OP, if your partner and family are frustrated that you are unable to "just deal with it", they are NOT being wonderfully supportive.
Why on EARTH do you have someone in your life who has abused you this way?? |
Anonymous
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It's my XH, we share a child. He remembers our child about 1-2x a year and demands visitation. I can say no if he's violated the terms of the order, but I still have to give updates, send pics, etc. And I am terrified every time.
Restraining order is out, there was no concrete proof of the abuse and he doesn't abuse DC. I cannot cut him out legally, I have been told by multiple lawyers that I have NO chance of getting sole legal custody. The legal situation is something I'm working on. I'm more concerned about my reaction to him. How do I deal with him? It's been years. I shouldn't still be shaking when he sends his "once every 6 month" email demanding things. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry the initial post is confusing. I got an email today demanding Thanksgiving. I'm at work, crying in my cube because I am so scared to say no. I've already called my lawyer and left a message.
There has to be something I can do to help. I can't keep depending on my lawyer to back me up. I have to learn to deal with him on my own. |
Anonymous
How old is your daughter? Would there be any legal repercussions if you said NO to Thanksgiving? Or are you just scared that he might try to physically harm you? It sounds like the guy is sort of out of your life and only comes around a couple of times a year. It seems like you are giving him too much power over you.If there are no legal repercussions I dont see why you dont just say explain that you already have plans. Or you can go the other route and just let him have Thanksgiving to get him out of your hair. It'll only be for a couple of days. It will keep the peace and then he'll be out of your hair again for a while at least. My only concern with you giving in just to appease him is that the more you give the more he will take (in the future) that is. It might just be time for you to step up and set your boundaries with him and deal with the immediate nasty consequences. I'm wondering if you step up to him and demand respect will he back down and start respecting you? |
Anonymous
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No, actually, I think you should use your lawyer for exactly this.
You should not have to "learn to deal with this" You clearly need to get better. Tell XH to send all requests to your lawyer. Tell your lawyer this is the case. Set up an email filter that automatically forwards email from XH to your lawyer and then deletes it so you never even see it. And your family should be supportive of this setup. It will cost a little bit of money, but it is way cheaper than therapy. You should set a goal of never, ever seeing him or talking to him again. You should not have to keep suffering. |
Anonymous
| Can you give us an example of how he might react if you replied, "I'm sorry, it doesn't work out for you to have Susie for Thanksgiving this year. How about the weekend after?" |
Anonymous
This is a great idea. |
Anonymous
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So I'm not being a wimp for freaking out every time?
My family and partner aren't telling me to "just deal with it" by any means, they've been reassuring and reminding me that he can't do anything to me, he's far away, emails mean nothing, we're legally prepared if he drags me back to court, he can't take away my stability, etc. But I feel so guilty for being such a mess. Other women had/have it worse than I did and are able to deal with it much more gracefully. A few members of my family were abused, but they were able to cut the abusers totally out of their life. I'm also the first person in my extended family to deal with divorce. I don't have a frame of reference here. I have worked hard to build a life and I am terrified that he can decided to drag me back to court and take it all away. Our child has no memory of him, he hasn't been around for over half of her life. |
Anonymous
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No legal advice btw, I have things in the works to get our order revised to be more clear. Which I think will help with all this. I might be bankrupt by the end of the process, but I'm working on it.
Right now, I just need to be able to write a damn email without having a panic attack. I need to find a way to be 'normal me', not 'victim me' |
Anonymous
| OP, how can he demand visitation? Don't you have a custody agreement in place? |
Anonymous
Get a clear custody order in place, have him deal only with your attorney. I would not have him anywhere near your child. People who abuse adults will abuse children...especially if they hate the other parent. Better safe than sorry. He's probably just talking and will do nothing to get the kid for thanksgiving...but get ur attorney involved |
Anonymous
+1 |