How do you get over a fear of someone you can't get away from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's my XH, we share a child. He remembers our child about 1-2x a year and demands visitation. I can say no if he's violated the terms of the order, but I still have to give updates, send pics, etc. And I am terrified every time.

Restraining order is out, there was no concrete proof of the abuse and he doesn't abuse DC. I cannot cut him out legally, I have been told by multiple lawyers that I have NO chance of getting sole legal custody.

The legal situation is something I'm working on. I'm more concerned about my reaction to him. How do I deal with him? It's been years. I shouldn't still be shaking when he sends his "once every 6 month" email demanding things.

Didn't that have a Underground Railroad of sorts for this type of thing in the 80s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, actually, I think you should use your lawyer for exactly this.

You should not have to "learn to deal with this" You clearly need to get better.

Tell XH to send all requests to your lawyer. Tell your lawyer this is the case. Set up an email filter that automatically forwards email from XH to your lawyer and then deletes it so you never even see it.

And your family should be supportive of this setup. It will cost a little bit of money, but it is way cheaper than therapy.

You should set a goal of never, ever seeing him or talking to him again. You should not have to keep suffering.

This is a great idea.

+1

Except if he has custody and visitation rights, then you can't just never communicate with him again and I doubt the lawyer will want to be the third party. Could there be someone else who could handle the emails for you? Your current husband?

[Anonymous]

What's the harm of letting him see his own child for one day? It's not about you. He's not thinking about you either. He just wants to see his own kid. What's the big deal?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you are suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am in *no way* talking down to you or trying to minimize how you were treated by this man, however, you have to 1) take care of yourself in all capacities including mentally and 2) take care of your child.

If you randomly saw this man on the road or in a parking lot or in the next aisle over at the grocery store, would you freak out? If so, this type of fear and anxiety needs to be treated and fast-- before you can ever move on for good.

If you cannot be near him or talk to him, you need to appoint (with the help of a lawyer) someone to set up visitation and meetings. Obviously, you are too unstable to so this right now.

Please seek help. Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you are suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am in *no way* talking down to you or trying to minimize how you were treated by this man, however, you have to 1) take care of yourself in all capacities including mentally and 2) take care of your child.

If you randomly saw this man on the road or in a parking lot or in the next aisle over at the grocery store, would you freak out? If so, this type of fear and anxiety needs to be treated and fast-- before you can ever move on for good.

If you cannot be near him or talk to him, you need to appoint (with the help of a lawyer) someone to set up visitation and meetings. Obviously, you are too unstable to so this right now.

Please seek help. Good Luck.

+1 Therapy would help a lot with the panic attacks. You can't just will them away.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that you need to seek treatment. I grew up in a horrifically abusive home and I can tell you that even siblings raise in the exact same environment don't always have the same resiliency. My siblings and I represent the complete range. Some are able to move beyond what we grew up with/without therapy. Some never have. I can tell you those who have had therapy have done the best even though they have varying degrees of success. I believe you said you received therapy but it sounds like you need a course correction. You reactions are NOT healthy and it doesn't need to be this way. Hugs.

PS - your attorney should be able to refer you to a third party that will handle all drop offs/pick ups. I don't have it handy but friend who had an abusive husband used them. All requests for visitation were made to the company and they handled all the arrangements. It wasn't cheap but sometimes you have to buy peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the reassurance. Part of the issue is that he lives far away (think Nebraska or Kansas), so it's not just "one day with our child" but multiple days, hundreds of miles away and extensive travel (he lives 2 hours away from a major airport).

I do agree that I need to get back in therapy. This isn't ok. I can't afford both a lawyer and a therapist right now though, and the custody plan needs some changes, so that is my priority for now.

Honestly just being able to vent here and be told that while I need help, I'm not crazy, has helped a ton. I was able to reply to his email last night without having nightmares about him showing up and 'getting' us (which is what I usually dream about after engaging with him). Things ARE better than they were. I just thought they'd be better than they are. It will be one day. I have to remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the reassurance. Part of the issue is that he lives far away (think Nebraska or Kansas), so it's not just "one day with our child" but multiple days, hundreds of miles away and extensive travel (he lives 2 hours away from a major airport).

I do agree that I need to get back in therapy. This isn't ok. I can't afford both a lawyer and a therapist right now though, and the custody plan needs some changes, so that is my priority for now.

Honestly just being able to vent here and be told that while I need help, I'm not crazy, has helped a ton. I was able to reply to his email last night without having nightmares about him showing up and 'getting' us (which is what I usually dream about after engaging with him). Things ARE better than they were. I just thought they'd be better than they are. It will be one day. I have to remember that.

Where do you live OP? There are free domestic violence services where you can get counseling. If need be, call the national domestic violence hotline to see if they can pair you up with a service in your area so that you don't have to choose between legal services and mental health services.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not understanding why "legally" you cannot "cut" this person out of your life?? Can you elaborate a little more so I can understand your situation a little more?

In this life, we ALL should have the privilege of living a life free of fear, drama and violence, etc.
There are certain laws in place that protect us from people who infringe upon this right.

I say, take FULL advantage of these laws and utilize them since they are available for a very good reason.