Low self esteem
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Anonymous
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I recently started dating someone three months ago after giving myself two years to heal from a very heartbreaking break up. I've dated throughout the two years but he is the first guy I found compatible enough to enter a relationship with. While I don't harbor any feelings for my ex, I am traumatized from how things ended. I feel completely insecure about my looks and have this horrible thought that part of the reason my ex broke up with me was because I wasn't attractive enough. His girlfriends before me and his current wife are all gorgeous. I've always been very confident about who I am as a person and consider myself witty, intelligent etc. however, I am very critical of my appearance because of my mother. Growing up I would get comments about how I should model and how pretty I was but my mother would immediately tear me down with comments about how I would need a nose job first. Obviously, these issues need to be resolved through therapy but it's difficult not to have those comments cross my mind.
Getting back to the point, I just came across some pictures of my current boyfriend's two ex girlfriends prior to me. In my eyes they are beautiful, one resembles Megan Fox. My stomach sank when I saw them and I have been feeling extremely insecure about why this guy would be interested in me long term. I know the reason he broke up with the Megan fox lookalike was because of the long distance and he was completely infatuated with her. I don't blame him, I'd move across the world to be with someone that gorgeous lol. So I'm trying to move past the pictures I saw and give myself the credit I deserve for being awesome overall but this little voice in my head keeps telling me, I'm not good enough (appearance wise) to be with him. That he's dating me to kill time until he finds a more attractive woman like his exes. I'm not sure what advice or kind of support I'm looking for on here, maybe more of personal experience with a similar issue. My therapist will probably give me some breathing exercise or lecture about self esteem when I see her haha |
Anonymous
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There's a few possibilities here. One is that in his mind, you are just as beautiful as his ex, but in a different way. Some people have a type, but some people really don't. (I have guy friends whose exes all look very different from one another.) Another is that he doesn't care either way and he likes you for other things you bring to the table. And also, don't forget, you may not have an accurate picture of how attractive you really are. What you see as a bad nose, someone else might see as a feature that makes you striking or exotic (or cute or whatever.)
Thing is, with online dating in the picture, if he's a reasonably attractive guy and he's looking for a beautiful woman and that was the only qualifier, he could find one. So he probably wouldn't date you if he didn't like you. I once dated a ridiculously attractive and ridiculously in-shape guy, and women used to throw themselves at him in front of me. It was odd for me - it did occasionally give me a bit of a complex. I think I'm reasonably attractive and I have a good figure from working out a lot (and some genetics), but some of these women were close to model-hot. And at one point, I noticed that hotter guys were more likely to flirt with me when I was with him, like his hotness was rubbing off on me. I said something to him once along those lines and he said, "don't be ridiculous - they're flirting with you because you're hot. I think we're very evenly matched." I don't get my self-esteem from what men think, but it was interesting to hear it - that how he saw me was different than how I saw myself. I think that might be true for you too. An acquaintance of mine, Jennifer Tress, wrote a book called "You're not pretty enough." The title refers to something her ex husband said to her. (She is a very beautiful woman, though she did have an unfortunate hairdo in her earlier years.) You might want to find it - it deals with stuff like this, about our ideas of beauty. Good luck to you - definitely see someone about this, though. |
Anonymous
| One thing that is objectively unattractive is a lack of confidence in a woman. When you sort this out for yourself you will immediately appear sexier whether or not you look like a model. |
Anonymous
| Will your therapist also yell at you for looking up photos of your boyfriend's exs? If not, time to find a new therapist, because you really need some tough love right now to get over this. |
Anonymous
| And I should add: You can't control what you mother did to you or the fact that it is a sensitive area for you. But you can control your behavior now, which means no more looking at anyone's pictures, and teaching yourself to stop and switch topics when you begin to compare yourself to anyone or think about your looks. |
Anonymous
I didn't intentionally look them up. We recently became "friends" on fb at his request and as I was looking at his pictures when i came across ones of him tagged with previous girlfriends. I wasn't upset they are on there (that's his business) but I couldn't help comparing their appearance to mine. I consider myself extremely confident and no one besides my therapist sees or hears about my body image issues. You right tho, I need to stop whining about this crap and get a grip. It's just something that irked me. |
Anonymous
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My mother offered me plastic surgery starting when I was 14. She said I needed a breast reduction and some face work. She still makes comments. It sucks. I've been working very hard to get past it. I've made real progress in the past 6 months. Seeing her ruled by her insecurities about her own body is a great motivator. I don't want to feel like this as I get older.
I got some self help books. They were more helpful than the therapist for me. |
Anonymous
| Go out with guys who date average looking girls. There are lots of nerds out there who will worship you, drool over your above average looks, and treat you like a queen. |
Anonymous
+1 if you want to be with the most attractive of men, then you will have more competition. Even if you were more beautiful you would still be insecure. |
Anonymous
| ^^ I fail to see how that's helpful advice. I don't fully understand the whole comparison thing, but lowering standards to cope seems ridiculous. |
Anonymous
| It's not "lowering standards" unless the standard is "guys with hot ex-girlfriends." If that is the standard, then, obviously, OP is hosed because there is always someone more attractive out there. Especially in the mind of a woman whose mother was a superficial monster. |
Anonymous
| OP, your low self esteem stems from you lack of substance. You seem very empty. Looks aren't everything and remember that in terms of looks, you (and most women) are a depreciating asset. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand how you can have low self esteem and consider yourself super confident at the same time? |
Anonymous
I agree with this, and I think this is what you and your ex have in common. You both seem really shallow. I understand that it's hard to get past remarks like that made by your mother, but that -- and truly deepening your convictions -- should be your goal. You'll know you are successful when you can look at this objectively and accept the outcome. Maybe he did think you aren't pretty enough for him in the long term. OK, fine. That's his opinion and his right. When you get straight with this in your own mind, you will realize what that really says about him. |
Anonymous
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It's not shallow because it has very little to do with how she looks. It's about misplaced self worth and an unrealistic view of her appearance.
Jesus, you people need to read up before offering "helpful" advice. |