Low self esteem
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Anonymous
I also agree. Why are you so focused on looks, OP? OP, I am of average looks. Unlike you no one ever suggested I should model, although I never received a lot of negative feedback on my looks either (at home or elsewhere). Of the 14 or so men that I dated before meeting DH, 11 could have been models themselves. Of the 4 I dated seriously, all had a string of ex-girlfriends who modeled. I know people looked at us all the time and wondered what they saw in me etc. etc. And you know what? WHO CARES?! I went maybe a different direction than you and simply decided that I wasn't attractive, wasn't going to be attractive, and was just going to work on developing my other qualities. When a guy fell for me, it was because I was smart, funny, easy-going, supportive, whatever, not because I was the prettiest woman he'd ever seen. And so what? Why do you have to be the best looking, or even good looking at all? Your boyfriend isn't with those women any more, he's with you, and he's with you because HE finds you attractive. He also probably thinks you're smart, funny, fun to be with, etc. and if you're older than 25, you both should know how much more important those qualities are than appearances. You say you wonder what he could see long-term with you? Let me tell you, men don't date unattractive women just for short-term flings - it's the hotties who get messed around like that (and that's no hate at all, many of my girlfriends are gorgeous themselves so I've seen the crap they have to deal with). So either you ARE hot or you're "not" and he sees something more in you than whether or not you're as symmetrical as his ex was. He's with you because he wants to be with YOU, not them. You'll destroy this relationship - and future ones, too - if you obsess over something so superficial and fleeting as looks. |
Anonymous
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Op here,
I guess i wasn't able to express my feelings as clearly as i hoped in this post. I am an average women in my late twenties who is by no means a model. My personality, kindness, and general confidence in who i am internally is more important to me than my outward appearance. I just occasionally feel that externally I could/should be better and that stems from a bad relationship and horrible childhood. My current bf is by no means a model and wouldn't draw to much attention from women in a bar; however, his career has made him more attractive and therefore caught the attention of gorgeous women. His career doesn't interest me and I believe that has made me more attractive to him. Yet, looking at these past gf's has somehow made me feel less than adequate. Knowing how shallow my ex was towards the end of engagement, just put it in my head that no matter how wonderful I am as a person, my appearance will lead them astray. This is by all means my issue and not my boyfriends, who is by far one of the most genuine men I've met. I posted here more as a way to get this horrible voice out of my head so that it doesn't affect my relationship. I don't talk about these types of feelings to anyone close since I don't want to be seen as shallow as many of you have made me out to be. I appreciate the honestly tho, it reminds me to keep my thoughts to myself. |
Anonymous
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^^ sorry for the typos/grammar I'm using my cell
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Anonymous
| Look, if a man doesn't find you attractive, he's not going to date you in the first place. So whatever the reasons for the breakup, its not looks. People can and do become more or less 'attractive' to their mates in a relationship due not to external factors but internal ones. You sound like you have a great guy who sees something in you. Your job is to believe in you, too. Therapy, time, and finding another way to be proud and confident is on your docket. Whether that's giving back, achieving, taking yoga, whatever---just try to get out of the looks trap. And, confidence and inner joy is incredibly sexy. |
Anonymous
OP, rather than saying that posters' responses have reminded you to keep your thoughts to yourself, why not take their feedback as the impetus to stop worrying so much about superficiality? What your ex said was shitty, but he wouldn't have been with you if he wasn't attracted to you. Ditto on your current guy. And relationships don't end because of looks! If appearances are a problem, the relationship just never starts. Try to take that knowledge and use it to pump yourself up whenever you feel insecure. |
Anonymous
| earth to OP -- best looking is not the sexiest, and most people don't end up really wanting to marry the person they dated that looked the best when out on the town. You are looking for other qualities, and surprise -- he is, too. |
Anonymous
| btw, i think folks are giving OP a bit of a hard time -- I suspect most would feel insecure if they saw great pictures of their SO's ex. |
Anonymous
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As someone whose looks are have never caused any difficulties in relationships, but is not model-hot by any standards - the appearances won't kill your relationship. Your insecurities will. Please either speak to a therapist as you said you are planning to, or do whatever you need to to get past your mother's/ex's opinions about your looks before bringing issues with them into your current relationship.
My current partner recently unloaded on me, during a fight, about how he felt deja vu. I had no idea what he was talking about. When he explained the things his ex said to him/the way she made him feel, I was still confused. Nothing I said to him in any way resembled the things the two of them fought about, and yet here he was equating the two of us. I don't mean to thread-hijack, what I want to say is do not bring the issues from your past relationship into your current one. If you're not over the past, you may see parallels where none exist, and leave your current partner feeling very confused and possibly a bit 'thrown under the bus' for the sins of the previous partner. I know for myself that this one exchange with my SO left me wondering whether he was in fact over his ex/healthy enough for a new relationship. That's my issue to contend with, but if you like this guy enough, try to avoid it being his. |
Anonymous
I agree. I don't want to see pics of exes at all but DEFINITELY not hotties.lol |
Anonymous
Can you explain why? This idea seems foreign to me. |
Anonymous
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"We recently became "friends" on fb at his request and as I was looking at his pictures when i came across ones of him tagged with previous girlfriends."
Why would you "friend" this guy? Going back for more pain? |
Anonymous
She is talking about her current bf. |
Anonymous
I personally think some have reading comprehension problems. |
Anonymous
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Hey there - I'm also suffering from low self esteem issues and almost always feel like I am unworthy of my partner... I've seeen a shrink about it iand it comes from being neglected as a child...my shrink says...
My answer is to try to have a child--like resillience and decide to LOVE YOURSELF first..... I know it is hard, but try.... When you do something magical happens.... I am strill struggling at 37 years old, even though I am smart, confident, and have modeled before, I still feel unworthy a lot of the time..... OP, you'd be surprised how many of us are in your shoes too!!! I would say that many fo the "hot girls" have their own issues, some have daddy issues, etc., and many of them may be insatiably unsatisfied with themselves like I am too.... Good luck! Stay introspective and a good self depricating sense of humor helps.... |