13 Year Old DD Nasty Tone

[Anonymous]

DH here.

I find my 13 year old DD uses a tone of voice with me that I find disrespectful. She will look at me with disdain and can be more than sharp tongued. In speaking with other parents you will hear them say that daughters are harder than boys. As my DW and I are also having our share of problems, I find that my wife does not back me when I correct daughter. I would like to present a unified parenting front; I think it would help alleviate the tone from DD. I sometimes fear that DD is watching how DW communicates with me and is modeling that behavior. I will sat that I am frustrated that we do not put forth a unified front.

What is a reasonable discipline for this behavior. I don't want to get in a shouting match with my 13 y.o. As we live the suburban life style I am forever driving her to one of her sporting events. Given they are team events, and I want her to learn the value of being a team player, I am hesitant to prevent her from attending team events. She recently received an IPhone but part of the reason for that is htat we need to communicate.

So, thoughts and ideas on how you discipline your young teens for disrespectful behavior.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter doesn't need the iPhone when she's at home, does she? So from the second you pick her up until the second she's heading out again, it can be yours.

What does your wife say about presenting a united front? What does your daughter say when you tell her in a calm moment how much it makes you want to punish her when she speaks disrespectfully to you?

[Anonymous]

If your wife speaks to you in the same manner, you need to stop that. Just say politely to both that you don't appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Don't continue any disrespectful conversation. You can't control others (your wife), but you can control how you react to things.

The iPhone is a mistake. I guess it's too late now to take that away permanently. She could communicate just as easily with a basic flip phone. I would take away the iPhone if she's being particularly bad. Would your wife be inboard with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter doesn't need the iPhone when she's at home, does she? So from the second you pick her up until the second she's heading out again, it can be yours.

What does your wife say about presenting a united front? What does your daughter say when you tell her in a calm moment how much it makes you want to punish her when she speaks disrespectfully to you?

OP here - as I mentioned DW and I are having our own issues. In fairness to DW, she has been working crazy hours, so her general take is that she just wants peace and quiet. In general though she will often state that is my fault that they behave this way for x reason. In this particular case DW asked me to send an email regarding two homework assignments that DD recieved F's for because teacher says she didn't hand them in - I actually have a tendency to believe DW because she is straight A/A+ and very competitive. That is what started the issue; DW took son to religious ed and I went over to ask daughter about school work. She was reviewing her grades online. When I asked questions she became very snitty and gave me a look of disdain. I about had it because that's all I get, unless of course she needs a ride somewhere.

Overall DD is a good kid. But she needs to be parented as does every 13 y.o. She has been this way since she was born; has a very stubborn streak, yet is fragile. As she enters teen years I want to ensure they understand respect.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife speaks to you in the same manner, you need to stop that. Just say politely to both that you don't appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Don't continue any disrespectful conversation. You can't control others (your wife), but you can control how you react to things.

The iPhone is a mistake. I guess it's too late now to take that away permanently. She could communicate just as easily with a basic flip phone. I would take away the iPhone if she's being particularly bad. Would your wife be inboard with that?

OP here. DW and I have major problems. I started my own business and have struggled. Prior to that I did very well so DW never really had to work. She is quite angry and had lost respect for me. I can understand her sentiments but as a family unit there should be more than money. And, I will make it again, we are just going through a really hard spot and cash is very tight. I definitely need to work on not losing my cool. DW does not respond to thoughtful conversation - ie, when I say things like "we need to have a relationship based on love and trust so that we raise our children in that environment" - I will be told she is doing x (whatever she happens to be doing) and therefore does not have time to discuss. Bigger issues going on.

IPhone was a mistake. Bought DD a ITouch last year and it was broke within 3 months. DW and I differ on material things. I like really nice things, will buy myself one good thing and keep it forever. DW likes to consume. Responds more to peer pressure and I think that is what drove IPhone (Which in fairness was a hand me down). I got some BS about texting not working on her phone - it was pure peer pressure. I decided the IPhone was being taken away. Wife saw it and was unhappy but as it was a hand me down from me she really cannot stop me from withholding it. I think there needs to be a line in the sand drawn.

Dysfunctional marriage, financial stresses and teenagers make for some tough times....

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles with your DD. She probably sees you as constantly nagging her and while you may be right about her tone, the two of you are in a downward spiral. At the very least set aside some time you can spend with her that is nag free. For example, during drives just let her be if she takes that tone. I went through this with my DS and even though it was counter-intuitive, once I let the small things go (and in the scheme of things a tone of voice is a small thing) his tone toward me improved. I was stressing him out with my constant nagging about the way he spoke to me so he always felt he was on guard, which just made it worse. Our conversations are much better now.

And maybe try this with your DW as well. Instead of confronting the issues (you spend too much, you treat me badly), which are legitimate, try to recognize that you are both under tremendous stress and its not the right context to deal with these things. Set aside some time when you promise you will not talk about your relationship, daughter or finances. release some of the pressure.

Of course, you have bigger issues going on. This is all the more reason for you to ease up on your DD -- you may be taking your stress out on her. Probably everyone in your family needs some therapy right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles with your DD. She probably sees you as constantly nagging her and while you may be right about her tone, the two of you are in a downward spiral. At the very least set aside some time you can spend with her that is nag free. For example, during drives just let her be if she takes that tone. I went through this with my DS and even though it was counter-intuitive, once I let the small things go (and in the scheme of things a tone of voice is a small thing) his tone toward me improved. I was stressing him out with my constant nagging about the way he spoke to me so he always felt he was on guard, which just made it worse. Our conversations are much better now.

And maybe try this with your DW as well. Instead of confronting the issues (you spend too much, you treat me badly), which are legitimate, try to recognize that you are both under tremendous stress and its not the right context to deal with these things. Set aside some time when you promise you will not talk about your relationship, daughter or finances. release some of the pressure.

Of course, you have bigger issues going on. This is all the more reason for you to ease up on your DD -- you may be taking your stress out on her. Probably everyone in your family needs some therapy right now.

OP here...thank you...sometimes a fresh set of "eyes" is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles with your DD. She probably sees you as constantly nagging her and while you may be right about her tone, the two of you are in a downward spiral. At the very least set aside some time you can spend with her that is nag free. For example, during drives just let her be if she takes that tone. I went through this with my DS and even though it was counter-intuitive, once I let the small things go (and in the scheme of things a tone of voice is a small thing) his tone toward me improved. I was stressing him out with my constant nagging about the way he spoke to me so he always felt he was on guard, which just made it worse. Our conversations are much better now.

And maybe try this with your DW as well. Instead of confronting the issues (you spend too much, you treat me badly), which are legitimate, try to recognize that you are both under tremendous stress and its not the right context to deal with these things. Set aside some time when you promise you will not talk about your relationship, daughter or finances. release some of the pressure.

Of course, you have bigger issues going on. This is all the more reason for you to ease up on your DD -- you may be taking your stress out on her. Probably everyone in your family needs some therapy right now.

I agree with this.

QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally. It is not about you. She is a teen, individuating from you (which is necessary and appropriate developmentally speaking).

I highly recommend the book, The Blessing of a B Minus, by Wendy Mogel. Great guidelines for understanding our teens, living with their behavior, and guiding them to adult independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife speaks to you in the same manner, you need to stop that. Just say politely to both that you don't appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Don't continue any disrespectful conversation. You can't control others (your wife), but you can control how you react to things.

The iPhone is a mistake. I guess it's too late now to take that away permanently. She could communicate just as easily with a basic flip phone. I would take away the iPhone if she's being particularly bad. Would your wife be inboard with that?

OP here. DW and I have major problems. I started my own business and have struggled. Prior to that I did very well so DW never really had to work. She is quite angry and had lost respect for me. I can understand her sentiments but as a family unit there should be more than money. And, I will make it again, we are just going through a really hard spot and cash is very tight. I definitely need to work on not losing my cool. DW does not respond to thoughtful conversation - ie, when I say things like "we need to have a relationship based on love and trust so that we raise our children in that environment" - I will be told she is doing x (whatever she happens to be doing) and therefore does not have time to discuss. Bigger issues going on.

IPhone was a mistake. Bought DD a ITouch last year and it was broke within 3 months. DW and I differ on material things. I like really nice things, will buy myself one good thing and keep it forever. DW likes to consume. Responds more to peer pressure and I think that is what drove IPhone (Which in fairness was a hand me down). I got some BS about texting not working on her phone - it was pure peer pressure. I decided the IPhone was being taken away. Wife saw it and was unhappy but as it was a hand me down from me she really cannot stop me from withholding it. I think there needs to be a line in the sand drawn.

Dysfunctional marriage, financial stresses and teenagers make for some tough times....

I agree that the iPhone is a mistake but it sounds like that ship has sailed, and messing with it might just create more intra-family issues (with wife, DD, etc.).

If I were you I would do a "post-nup" w/regard to the phone usage norms using this contract:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janell-burley-hofmann/iphone-contract-from-your-mom_b_2372493.html

We did that with our 15yo son and it has worked well.

Here is a nice follow-up piece on the contract:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janell-burley-hofmann/iphone-contract-from-mom_b_2812173.html

You can also share the following link with your wife as part of conversations re: regulating media usage for your DD:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/28/doctors-kids-media-use_n_4170182.html

I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute: you had a brilliant idea to start your own business and tanked the family economy? It's not that your wife is disrespectful, but your daughter is old enough to know how foolish you are and therefore doesn't respect you.

When you do something stupid, people treat you like a fool.

[Anonymous]

This is how teenage girls act. She is not copying your wife. She would act his way even if you and your wife had the most perfect loving marriage. Teenage girls think they know everything and everything is a major deal and everyone is looking at them. I don't know how boys feel/act. I am a female and only have girls.

You need to discipline her. Take away something she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute: you had a brilliant idea to start your own business and tanked the family economy? It's not that your wife is disrespectful, but your daughter is old enough to know how foolish you are and therefore doesn't respect you.

When you do something stupid, people treat you like a fool.

OP, please ignore this mindless vitriol of the above quote. I read your backstory behind your daughter's attitude and I can so empathize. I could write a book. My husband and I have been through much of what you describe with different stressors. Suffice it to say that after years of nagging each other to present a united front, (and me asking for a divorce because of DH's anger issues) we have come to a couple of really powerful understandings about marriage and kid-discipline. 1. Rules should be minimal, clearcut, and written down, posted. That's where the united front is. Our rules revolve around consequences for missed assignments, lying (our problem with teen), limits on screentime, notifying us when his schedule changes, and our parental right to verify suspected lying. 2. Forget any further need for a united front beyond complete agreement about the rules. Each parent has their own peculiar relationship with the child and of course with each other. For your relationship with DD, set your own VERY minimal rules, eg: eyerolling, failing to say thank you when handed something, and "ask instead of accuse". Tell your DD you'd like if if she could stick within these boundaries, but if she does not, you will take up the issue when she is able to stick to the boundaries you need, or continue the exchange in writing. If it's a case of you need something from her, you can attach whatever consequence is appropriate if she refuses but 3. NEVER lose it. My husband finally understood that our marriage depended on his reining in his temper, even if he believed that losing his temper with his son was "part of their relationship." Didn't matter. Angry words IN THE HOUSE went beyond my boundary for the relationship between my husband and I, just as his boundary for me was my intervening in his relationship with the child. Calm enforcement and respect for each individual's particular boundaries have helped enormously.

[Anonymous]

12:54 again. I forgot to say: let everything else go. Teens act out and you can ignore a lot of it if it doesn't go past your explicit boundaries. Just say, "seriously?", shrug or whatever, and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how teenage girls act. She is not copying your wife. She would act his way even if you and your wife had the most perfect loving marriage. Teenage girls think they know everything and everything is a major deal and everyone is looking at them. I don't know how boys feel/act. I am a female and only have girls.

You need to discipline her. Take away something she likes.

No, it's not. If you are firm with your children THE VERY FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS and your DW or DH backs you 100% this kind of selfish teen attitude does not have to happen. The first time my DD tried it, we both simultaneously said "to your room; you will not disrespect us". And then we ask for apologies. Same with son. As a result we didn't have all the teen madness because we just told them we weren't allowing them to act out in the family. As a result we had really great teens years. We insisted the teens treat us like they treat all other human beings, including their friends. Just because their friends treated their parents poorly didn't mean it had to happen in our own home. It also helps if you have a church or temple life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how teenage girls act. She is not copying your wife. She would act his way even if you and your wife had the most perfect loving marriage. Teenage girls think they know everything and everything is a major deal and everyone is looking at them. I don't know how boys feel/act. I am a female and only have girls.

You need to discipline her. Take away something she likes.

No, it's not. If you are firm with your children THE VERY FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS and your DW or DH backs you 100% this kind of selfish teen attitude does not have to happen. The first time my DD tried it, we both simultaneously said "to your room; you will not disrespect us". And then we ask for apologies. Same with son. As a result we didn't have all the teen madness because we just told them we weren't allowing them to act out in the family. As a result we had really great teens years. We insisted the teens treat us like they treat all other human beings, including their friends. Just because their friends treated their parents poorly didn't mean it had to happen in our own home. It also helps if you have a church or temple life.

So... Yes it is... Even your daughter did it. Everybody agrees that,the daughter needs to be discipline but it sound like the Op is more about blaming his wife.

He is a blamer. It's his daughter, discipline her, I suspect she is sassy and he turns to his wife and says ... "Are you going to let her get away with that" and expects the wife to handle it.