DH told me he is depressed; what do I do now?
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Anonymous
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My DH told me this weekend that he is depressed, and has been for a long time. Like, years. In hindsight, I should have seen this coming. I dealt with PPD a long time ago, and was able to get out of it, but I have a family history of depression too.
I am so stunned, and so fearful of what this means. I had suicidal thoughts, but no actions, when I dealt with PPD. I can think of many things over the years that point to this for him.... decreased enjoyment of things that used to bring him joy, complaining of not having any friends, disengagement from the family, etc. I wish I had seen it sooner. And this announcement comes on the heels of having had a long conversation recently, which led me to believe that things in our marriage were turning around. So much so that I was nearly giddy with joy. I felt like we had turned a corner, and as though our marriage had been reinvigorated. Three days later, he left on a business trip, and came home in, essentially, a tailspin. I am just feeling devastated, especially after so eagerly anticipating his return. Fortunately, he has initiated help on his own (didn't tell me) about a month or two ago. I feel so helpless. I'm scared for the marriage and the kids. He told me a few things that led me to believe he is questioning whether being in a marriage is right for him. He assured me later that he doesn't want a divorce and that he still loves me, but I don't know if I can really believe that. I just don't know what to do. I know I can't fix it for him, and I guess I can take consolation in the fact that he has sought help, and is continuing to do so. But he was adamant that he didn't want me involved because he says he needs to get himself fixed. Help? |
Anonymous
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Therapy for you, at the very least, should probably be your first step. Since he's blocking you out of his recovery, whatever that is, you need a professional to advise and support you.
I don't know what else to offer you except my best wishes and prayers. He doesn't sound like he's being very forthcoming with you, which makes things unnecessarily difficult for you. -Not to say that he's trying to make things harder for you, but that's the way the situation's playing out for you. |
Anonymous
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OP I wish my depressed husband had taken this step on his own. Its been terrible and I completely understand your fear for your future and your children.
I dont know how to "bump" a post, but I'll find the link to the post I put up yesterday about male depression and some of its different symptoms and the kind of arc of it. It really amazed me how much it matched what I have been observing. Believe your husband when he says he does not want a divorce. Please for now chalk up what he is said to the "depression talking". I cant tell you how many times I have heard from my husband that he cant make me happy. Etc etc etc. His became the angry depression, but I saw only the anger and did not see the depression for a # of reasons. Take heart that 1) he understands he is depressed and 2) he feels he needs to repair himself on his own. OMG! My husband has just NOW come to this conclusion, but of course he is too depressed and disorganzied to not need my help. At least he is thinking more straight. Try not to panic. Easier said than done. Read up on things you can do to assist a person with depression. Encourage him to do all the healthy things outside of the therapy and meds by sharing those with him- exercise, outings, fun things, even if he appears to not be having "fun". Its important for him to be intergrated into the family because he will tend to isolate, as my husband has /did. And then it becomes easier to let them do that, as I did, and then it messes with the kids heads, as it has begun to here. Breathe- remain focused on the fact that knowledge is power and your husband has the most important pieces already- really. This is actually a best case scenario for such a terrible scenario. Good Luck! |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks 10:48. I think our oldest has picked up on something... and this may be part of what sent him into a tailspin when he returned home. When he came back and saw DC, DC asked why he never wants to spend time at home with DC + sibling and always go away on business trips. I think it has really tortured him, among other things. He is having a very hard time letting go of that. |
Anonymous
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OP one more thing, and I am guessing you already thought of this. Is the reason he needs to treat himself without you is because he has to air things that he does not want you to hear in a safe environment? Maybe he feels shame about something? What happened on this business trip? Could he be hiding a drug or alcohol problem, or some kind of addiction or compulsive behavior?
So sorry OP. I know the sick feeling in the stomach this brings. I have had a hard time eating recently. Its an inelegant term but mindf*** really does describe the feeling. Kind of a torture- the feeling that so much must happen and be understood and yet you cant do a damned thing, or so it seems. But you can focus on yourself and the kids. Do get therapy for yourself PRONTO. That is a no brainer. You need someone to really talk to and help you organize your thoughts and the steps to take next. |
Anonymous
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OP here... he explains that the reason he needs to treat himself without me (and expressly sought out treatment near where he works, not where we live) is because there are a lot of other issues, not just marriage/home.
I did ask him about the business trip, and he tells me nothing happened there. I just don't get how things could go from so good to so bad in 2 nights, and yet, nothing happened there. He says he doesn't know. He came home after the trip, before the kids came home from school and just laid on the couch for hours. It was disappointing to me because I was hoping for some intimacy... |
Anonymous
OP, it could be that he, too, felt very uplifted and optimistic after your big talk, but the chemical reality of depression kicked in and his tailspin (as you put it) was his reaction to the disappointment in the setback. |
Anonymous
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It could also be that he realized he needs medication or that the medication he tried didnt work. I agree with PP about the post great conversation/chemical reality scenario.
Is he taking medication??? |
Anonymous
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http://toodepressed.com/depression-diagnosis/signs-of-depression-in-men/
Read this about the stages of depression in men. It sounds like DH may have stepped up to the plate well before mine which could end in a really positive result. So sorry about the worry regarding the trip. The "I dont know" sadly is totally possible. Thats depression for you. A person in that fog doesnt know much, and there is so much they cant see. |
Anonymous
| Make him a primary care appt. |
Anonymous
OP here. No. At least not yet. And "tailspin" was his word, not mine. I think I am going to talk to a counselor. |
Anonymous
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Just know that if he is depressed he may not be able to answer many of your questions. He may not be able to tell you how you can best support him or what he needs from you. Don't take that personally or as a sign that he is working on things.
Also him wanting to do therapy on his own is not a bad thing. He may need to work things out to make them make sense to him before he could involve you in a way that would be helpful to him. Talking to a counselor yourself could be valuable. It is hard to not take things personally and to deal with the someone who is dealing with depression. |
Anonymous
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10:48 again. Depression is a nasty old condition. It really does rob its victims of the ability to use their minds to even see what is happening.
So sad about the DC's comment to DH- I know that must have killed him inside. There is nothing that devastates DH more than anything negatively impacting DD. But the good thing is that in my case even (many strides having been made over the past 48 house because of the discovery DH was actually hit on a regular basis during childhood_ and DH never hits our kid) is that the imperitive to protect DD from any negative impact of his depression (as much as is possible of course) is so strong its causing some major shifts in communication. When DH comes home from out of town he does the same thing- exhaustion. No intimacy. Its the depression. As PP said, try not to take it personally, but its hard not to. You are doing all the right things. Get yourself the strength to just deal with this "new normal" and also brace DH for the reality that a depression that is long time in the making is going to likely need medication. Have you heard of the book :"Anatomy of a Depression  I hear the authors interview on Fresh Air years ago and it was both haunting and upllifting. He got to the point where he could not get out of bed. And a phone call that he managed to pick up saved his life. It was a friend, to whom he said "Something is terribly wrong".
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Anonymous
These are two important pieces of advice. Take care! |
Anonymous
OP here. I appreciate the reassurance. I am getting that some things may be "the depression" rather than him. I am still scared, for him and for me, and for our kids. But there is a small flame of hope here, and I hope to keep it going. |