SaHM having a hard time getting back to work, getting divorced. I'm screwed.

[Anonymous]

I was a SaHM when my husband decided he has to have a divorce (after an affair with his boss). I've been looking for jobs, doing some stuff from home but my income is less than 15k, yes, 15k a year doing those odd jobs PRE tax. Before that, I was making about 80k. I'm trying to get back into that field, but nothing is happening and I'm starting to freak out.

I care for our child and I'm trying to get any job, anything from retail to a full-time position but nothing is materializing. I have no income, no savings (used them up on paying for our expenses since he doesn't) and he doesn't want to keep paying rent (which he pays in lieu of the child care he refuses to pay for). I don't know what to do. I cannot afford a lawyer, nor want that drama. We're doing divorce mediation. I have no idea what I'm entitled to, and what to do till I get a job. I'm planning on moving in with another single mom and her child. So that should lessen my rent and utilities but the same issue remains, I do not have an income right now, and no family around and he doesn't want to pay anything. He's insisting on 50/50 custody while he knows he physically cannot and will not do so because he wants to lessen his support payments. I know it goes by income but even still, it doesn't look like much at all based on the D.C. calculator I used. And if I'm caring for our child, do I get more payments since he's not paying child care? I'm having a super hard time focusing on finding jobs while raising a baby mostly alone and then having to do everything else (trying to find a new place, decluttering almost a decade of stuff from our relationship, selling items, filling out paperwork, cooking, cleaning, doing odd jobs to pay for groceries, etc).

Any ideas on what I can push for in mediation financially or ideas on how to handle this period? I'm not even sure I'll get accepted into a new rental situation as is, unless it's low income. This whole thing is driving me crazy! I cannot move with family (they're not here) or friends (all young single professionals without space). I'd live out of my car, but I don't even have a car.

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer. A lawyer is going to save you significantly more money than he or she costs, because based on your current description, your husband is taking you and your child for a ride.

[Anonymous]

GET.A. LAWYER!
Will save you tons in the long run!

[Anonymous]

Lawyer asap. You cannot afford NOT to have an attorney. It might not even be a great idea for you to move out of your home. Before you make any major life changes, talk to an attorney. Borrow the money if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GET.A. LAWYER!
Will save you tons in the long run!

This, plus you can request that your soon to be ex-husband pays the attorney fees.

[Anonymous]

Your ex can't get out if paying child support. Period. Get a lawyer, but don't hire one at a big firm (needlessly overpriced). Ask your family, friends, parents at school, church, wherever for a referral. Document everything you are paying for now (everything he is not, but should be). Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Also - sign up with some temp agencies. If you have good administrative skills, you will eventually get hired from your temp job. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer. If you've been a SAHM he probably owes you alimony.

[Anonymous]

OP, here. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP-here again. I tried Legal Aid and they couldn't take my case they said. I'll check with others. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing wirh this OP. As others have stated a lawyer is critical, you are likely entitled to more than you think. Is there a joint account or credit card you can access to pay a retainer?

[Anonymous]

OP - trying to think outside of the box for you. Maybe you should look into a situation where you could be a live-in nanny to someone and care for your child and their child at the same time in exchange for room and board. At least you'd be taken care of while you sort all of this out. You didn't mention your child's age but sounds like toddler or younger. I would try to find work where you can accommodate your needs for room and board along with childcare (so housekeeper, nanny, etc.). Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You should e-mail/call your friends (particularly friends with law degrees or friends married to people with law degrees) and ask for recommendations. The ideal person will be a solo lawyer or lawyer at a smaller firm who a friend with a law degree knows personally.

Pretty much all lawyers cost money, but there are ways you can keep the cost down:

1. Find a lawyer at a smaller firm or in solo practice.

2. Be up front with the lawyer about your financial concerns. Lawyers who do family law full time know a lot of folks are struggling for money. (And there’s no reason to be shy, because this person is about to know all your personal business anyway).

3. Reduce the time the lawyer needs to spend preparing to represent you. It doesn’t take a lot of time or money for a lawyer to think through a legal problem and give you advice. What runs up the bills is when the lawyer needs to investigate your case, ask you tons of follow up questions, nag you to return documents, etc. Here are two ways you can keep your fees low:

a. Get organized. Start collecting all your financial documents, all your communications with your spouse, evidence of your job search and child care situation, etc. I can elaborate). The goal here is that when you meet with an attorney and the attorney says “Well, to answer that, I’d really need to review your past employment history” you can just say “Well great, I brought my old resume and a folder with my old W-2.”

b. Be specific about what you want from the attorney. Here’s an example of how to do that: Suppose you get a confrontational e-mail from your husband. It's a great idea to discuss this e-mail with your attorney. But if you just forward the e-mail to the attorney with a note that says “What do I do?!?!?!” the attorney is going to spend time researching, asking follow up questions, drafting a response, etc. Instead, when you receive the e-mail, think about how you would respond. Then, draft a proposed response. Send both the original e-mail and the response to the attorney with a note that says “Here’s what he just sent me and how I propose to respond. Is this OK?” The attorney will spend much less time and money handling your concern.

In short, take work of the attorney’s plate. Pretend you’re the attorney’s paralegal, if that helps.

Unfortunately, a lawyer will still end up costing you a bit (unless your husband has to pay the bill), but you can’t think of a divorce attorney as optional. If you were in a car crash, you wouldn’t hem and haw about whether you really need to see a doctor. You’d just go and figure out how to pay later. A divorce is kind of like a legal car crash, and you need professional help as soon as possible.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - PLEASE get a good lawyer and not legal aid.

Dad will have to pay child support but in some states that goes away if custody is 50/50.

You are also owed alimony especially as you can prove that he was your sole source of income because YOU stayed home to raise your child.

Do you own a home? if so, I hope you are both on the deed.

I would look into whether or not his having an affair with is boss is frowned upon by his company. If so, I would use that as a bargaining tool. If you don't give me X, I am going to divulge your affair to your company and to your bosses spouse. assuming boss is married.

I would go after his retirement savings too. And then don't forget about college. get that in writing too - that he will pay for a portion of it.

Can your family loan you money for the attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer. A lawyer is going to save you significantly more money than he or she costs, because based on your current description, your husband is taking you and your child for a ride.

+1