Boarding School - Why or Why Not?

[Anonymous]

From time to time a thought drifts through that I should look at boarding schools for high school for my oldest. This is not based on any personal experience with them - in fact, I am not aware that anyone I know went to boarding school. Yet, something keeps telling me that she could have a really great experience there. Maybe I am just assuming the time away would be as good for her as sleep away camp, which clearly is not the right comparison at all.

For those who either went to boarding schools or have or (had) kids at one, what were the factors that led to that decision? We are a DC family, so one reason for us would not be the lack of day school in the area. I have some former colleagues from a much earlier time in my life who sent their kids to boarding school because there were no strong schools where we then lived.

Thanks in advance for helping me get up to speed on this and helping me frame the thinking about it in the right way.

[Anonymous]

I attended a well-known Northeastern boarding school. I did so because I grew up in a rural area where the local publics were weak and there were no good privates. Academically, it was a wonderful school and I received an excellent education. The students were bright, the teachers were spectacular, and the facilities were dazzling. However, I would never send my children to boarding school.

First (as you point out) there are many excellent schools (private and public) in the DC area; there's simply no need to look farther afield. Second, the social environment at my boarding school (and I would say that my school was a relatively humane and nurturing place compared to some I've heard about) was corrosive. Hazing was rampant in the boys' dorms, and at one point I estimated that ten percent of the girls in my class had eating disorders. The extremes of wealth were also a bit shocking to me at times.

I'm sure others will weigh in and say they had a different experience. However, in my view, it is not healthy for teenagers to live with their peers. They are much better off living with their parents (unless their local schools are truly terrible or dangerous).

My .02.

[Anonymous]

I went to Deerfield. I grew up in the South Bronx and there was a drama teacher at my middle school who decided I need more than life was going to give me at home. My mom is a waitress who gets fired a lot and has a lot of boyfriends. It was sort of like I had drive, but didn't know what direction to point it in.

So my drama teacher pushed me to apply, and pushed me to get financial aid forms filled out. I remember her saying to my mother on the phone, "If I bring you a carton of smokes, THEN will you find your taxes from last year?" My mother made that teacher give her the carton AND take us out to a nice dinner too.

But I got my application in, and was accepted. My mother bitched that I wasn't home to work after school, but she was also proud, although didn't really understand what exactly to brag about, like she didn't get that New England was a group of states but MA was one state.

It was great for me, I was really independent and didn't crave the approval of other kids so much, so peer pressure was not an issue for me. I made lots of friends, some of whom I'm still friends with now, and got into a fantastic college that took my life in a great direction.

My school was ... in the South Bronx. I am white. That should pretty much tell you everything you need to know about my public school experience. My DD has a similar drive to the one I had but unless she asks, I don't intend to send her to boarding school.

[Anonymous]

I've taught at both types of schools -- boarding school and DC area independent school. A few thoughts:
1. Often, as other posters have said, boarding school is an option when the local public or private school options are not seen as sufficient. If you have made the decision to go private, there are lots of well-regarded day schools in this area.
2. Another reason to go to boarding school is to play at a sport at a higher level. For example, my boarding school that I taught at had some athletic kids from New York City that were not getting the sports experience they wanted because of issues with field space, etc., in NYC. There are sports (ice hockey, squash) played at a high level in the NE boarding schools that are not varsity sports (squash) or are not as high level (ice hockey) as in the boarding schools. Rowing is another one -- some of the private day schools in this area have it, but not all.
3. Parents traveling -- parents with an international business tie that will frequently take them overseas.
4. The family tradition is just to go away to school at age 14, rather than 18, and the kids are looking forward to the same experience their parents had.
5. You've got an independent kid that wants the experience -- lots of peer influence, strong relationships with teachers, often some very neat programs in idyllic places.

Good luck, it could be worth exploring.

[Anonymous]

If your child is independent, confident, a self-starter, and efficient with his/her time, and wants to attend a good school (and can get in), I would recommend it. Otherwise, I would not bother. I went to a top NE school for 3 years and enjoyed the experience overall, although there were downsides. The education was top notch, and the friendships very meaningful and long-lasting. I think the experience made me more mature and independent, for sure, but you can get this once in college too. Depends entirely on the child and the school options!

[Anonymous]

We have a family tradition of going to boarding school but ultimately it'll be up to our kid whether he wants to go. We plan on visiting all the schools we are interested in when he is in 7th grade and go from there. If he decides he wants to stay home, that's fine too.

[Anonymous]

Don't so it. Face it, kids grow up too fast and at boarding school, it is warp speed.

[Anonymous]

DH went to Milton. He grew up in Manhattan and attended a gifted public school. He hated it... he was craving life outside the concrete jungle and started the boarding school application process himself before his parents begrudgingly agreed to consider it.

It was an incredible experience for him and the elite boarding schools really do have a solid connection to the Ivys and Top 25. DH was waitlisted at a school that Milton thought was a good fit for him. After a phone call, poof, he was in.

For us, boarding is a possibility but the kids will have to REALLY want it for themselves. Zero pressure from us. DH says that the kids who wanted to be there did well. The kids who were forced had all sorts of issues.

[Anonymous]

My child's going to boarding school was my biggest parenting mistake. If I could, OP, I'd list the endless risks, which are worth it only if it's a last resort. Often the culture is just not what you would expect. College will come soon enough.
Hang tight, OP.

[Anonymous]

My neighbor attended Choate. She originally went for ice hockey, but ended up really enjoying the academic environment and feeling more at home compared to our local public school. Our local public was very good, but socially she wanted more independence and a more intellectual atmosphere.

I think for the right kid those old NE boarding schools can be great. It is a relatively safe place to be independent, there are high academic expectations, and the endowments at places like Exeter are higher than most colleges so there are a lot of resources. It can be a fantastic intellectual atmosphere, and it can definitely push you out of your comfort zone having kids from all over the country and the world in high school. There are some pretty great academic offerings tool.

That said, some kids are just not mature enough to live on their own. I'm sure hazing and other bad things happen when you get a group of teenagers all together in one residential area. I also heard from another friend who went to Taft that the obsession with achievement and drinking coffee to stay up all night studying during finals can be unhealthy. Also, in the DC area there are so many great day school options, I can see how it would be less appealing than if you lived somewhere where the school options were not so great.

I don't have high school aged kids, so I can't speak from experience, but every time I see a conversation pop up about boarding school, there is always a huge number of parents who chime in that anyone who sends their kids to boarding school is a bad parent who wants to miss precious years with their kids and so on and so forth. While I think that there is a very real concern that some high schoolers are not mature enough to live without parental supervision, I have to believe like everything else on this blog a huge component comes from what the parents are comfortable with rather than what is or is not actually good for their child and also a way of judging others and feeling superior about ones choices. Most of the boarding school kids I know love their parents very much and have great relationships with them, and only decided to go to boarding school for the opportunities (academic and/or athletic) that were a better fit for them.

[Anonymous]

I went to a private day school in the area where 20/26 kids went to NE schools at the end of 8th grade. 15 ended up coming home. Some were caught w drugs but most couldn't take the social environments. Being gay, or not white was issue. This is hard to generalize about but it's what we saw in northern va.

[Anonymous]

What are everyone's thoughts on the DC-area boarding programs?

[Anonymous]

19:50. Not interested in DC boarding options except maybe Madeira for a girl. But we have a boy so will be only looking at NE boarding schools. We'll be out of DC by hs so will be considering private day schools and public magnets in NYC.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't do it. I love my kid and want to parent my own kid.

Who cares about a stupid family tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn't do it. I love my kid and want to parent my own kid.

Who cares about a stupid family tradition.

OP here. Thanks to most of the PPs. To this PP, however, I want to say: There is no family tradition. DH and I both went to public schools all the way through on the GT track, which has its own issues.

The child we are talking about here is very mature, very independent, and very attached to her mother. She's also a top-notch student at a DC independent school. Ultimately, she will decide if she wants to go to boarding school once I tell her these things exist. This thread was about whether I should. If she chooses to go away, it will almost kill me. But for this kid, if she chooses it, it is the right thing. I wouldn't say that about my other kids (or at least not yet), but this is about this particular child.