Boarding School - Why or Why Not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of drugs and alchohol.

[phone]!

--- Parent of former boarding school student.

No one there has time to care about your son or daughter,
the way you do at home.

17:58 here. I don't think there are necessarily more drugs and alcohol at boarding schools than at public schools (there may actually be less, because it's more difficult to purchase drugs and alcohol in a remote Massachusetts or New Hampshire town than in a city). But it is so much easier to start using them, because as the poster above points out, boarding school faculty and dorm parents simply don't have the resources to police it. And the fact is that there's no reason for them to care that much, either, unless it affects students' grades, athletic performance, or the school's reputation.

[Anonymous]

I'm the person who has taught at both types of schools -- boarding schools and day schools. There are advantages to both, and I think people are under-estimating the advantages to boarding schools a bit (this is a day school oriented board, of course). Having read the many posts from people who are worried about the homework load, I will point out that the "no commute" and "block schedule six days a week" model actually works pretty well for having a rigorous academic schedule that does not result in a crushing homework load.

And as for the "how could you send your child away" line of posts, we are all okay (I think) with our children leaving at age 18 for college. In some families, the tradition is that that age is 14. With the lengthy, lengthy vacations of the boarding school schedules, the parents do spend a lot of time with their children. Finally, a very active child in DC, who plays sports and is active in the arts, does not actually spend a lot of time each day with his/her parents, even IF the parent is not a busy professional frequently away on travel.

Finally -- drugs and alcohol: I'm honestly on the fence on this one. There's a lot in boarding schools, but there may be just as much used by kids who attend private day schools. Let me put it this way -- someone who wants to get stoned will be able to do that in either atmosphere . . . and more then a few kids want to get stoned in both environments.

I recall the boarding school as a really lovely community where we had pretty rich relationships with our students -- I am still in touch with some former students whom I taught/coached/advised and now have families of their own. However, I do agree as well that for the kids who really felt lost or different, being in such a peer-dominated environment could be very difficult. Although high school is not easy for any kid who feels out of step with his/her peers, at least, in the words of one poster, if you are not away at school you can "step away" from it when you go home every day. On the flip side, even without dramatic home dysfunction, there were kids who had a happier, more nurturing environment in the school community than in a home where, for example, the parents were fighting/divorced etc.

I was a public school kid who taught at a boarding school for a while because it combined teaching and coaching, which I wanted to do that that point, and I was very favorably impressed by my school and our peer schools, despite coming in with a full rolling bag full of stereotypes about such places.

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school. The local public schools were good, but this school had really outstanding opportunities. I struggled because for the first time in my life, I was a little fish in a big pond. I was pretty independent and started college about a month after turning 17.

Be prepared to parent your child differently if you send him or her to boarding school. It will be almost like having a freshman in college - you have to help him or her navigate the system (financial aid, on campus jobs, school schedule, dorm rules), but will lose a lot of direct control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The local public schools were good, but this school had really outstanding opportunities. I struggled because for the first time in my life, I was a little fish in a big pond. I was pretty independent and started college about a month after turning 17.

Be prepared to parent your child differently if you send him or her to boarding school. It will be almost like having a freshman in college - you have to help him or her navigate the system (financial aid, on campus jobs, school schedule, dorm rules), but will lose a lot of direct control.

Agree. And when they come home "to visit", expect the same fights about their right to complete independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The local public schools were good, but this school had really outstanding opportunities. I struggled because for the first time in my life, I was a little fish in a big pond. I was pretty independent and started college about a month after turning 17.

Be prepared to parent your child differently if you send him or her to boarding school. It will be almost like having a freshman in college - you have to help him or her navigate the system (financial aid, on campus jobs, school schedule, dorm rules), but will lose a lot of direct control.

Agree. And when they come home "to visit", expect the same fights about their right to complete independence.

14:34 here. Sorry 14:29, I didn't mean to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why send your child away if there are options at home? I just don't get it. Don't you want to have dinner together, hug each other, sit companionably and watch TV, discuss current events, do mundane things like grocery store and special things like museum or movie? I'm not trying to start trouble, but I can't imagine sending my 14-year-old away for long stretches.

Your teenager might prefer time with friends to these activities with you at that age. Living with teens is not always a happy and stress-free existence!

[Anonymous]

I went to a well known boarding school at 15 due to the insufficiency of the public schools in my area and my own desire for independence. I will echo others on here to say that it offered me terrific academics, but the culture of the place was very mean-spirited. There was a lot of focus on who had money and legacy, how thin you were (there were many girls with advanced eating disorders), and of course on drinking and pot smoking (while sneaking off campus). I remember at the time thinking it was an amazing opportunity to help me get into a great college and launch a big life, but also thinking that I really hoped my own kids wouldn't have to go away to boarding school for those opportunities. When I go back to reunions there, I have to say that the mean spirit still lives among the alumni. Nowhere else in my adult life do I run into people who give a shit where you "summer" or what kind of purse you carry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the person who has taught at both types of schools -- boarding schools and day schools. There are advantages to both, and I think people are under-estimating the advantages to boarding schools a bit (this is a day school oriented board, of course). Having read the many posts from people who are worried about the homework load, I will point out that the "no commute" and "block schedule six days a week" model actually works pretty well for having a rigorous academic schedule that does not result in a crushing homework load.

And as for the "how could you send your child away" line of posts, we are all okay (I think) with our children leaving at age 18 for college. In some families, the tradition is that that age is 14. With the lengthy, lengthy vacations of the boarding school schedules, the parents do spend a lot of time with their children. Finally, a very active child in DC, who plays sports and is active in the arts, does not actually spend a lot of time each day with his/her parents, even IF the parent is not a busy professional frequently away on travel.

Finally -- drugs and alcohol: I'm honestly on the fence on this one. There's a lot in boarding schools, but there may be just as much used by kids who attend private day schools. Let me put it this way -- someone who wants to get stoned will be able to do that in either atmosphere . . . and more then a few kids want to get stoned in both environments.

I recall the boarding school as a really lovely community where we had pretty rich relationships with our students -- I am still in touch with some former students whom I taught/coached/advised and now have families of their own. However, I do agree as well that for the kids who really felt lost or different, being in such a peer-dominated environment could be very difficult. Although high school is not easy for any kid who feels out of step with his/her peers, at least, in the words of one poster, if you are not away at school you can "step away" from it when you go home every day. On the flip side, even without dramatic home dysfunction, there were kids who had a happier, more nurturing environment in the school community than in a home where, for example, the parents were fighting/divorced etc.

I was a public school kid who taught at a boarding school for a while because it combined teaching and coaching, which I wanted to do that that point, and I was very favorably impressed by my school and our peer schools, despite coming in with a full rolling bag full of stereotypes about such places.

As a boarding school graduate, this is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why send your child away if there are options at home? I just don't get it. Don't you want to have dinner together, hug each other, sit companionably and watch TV, discuss current events, do mundane things like grocery store and special things like museum or movie? I'm not trying to start trouble, but I can't imagine sending my 14-year-old away for long stretches.

My kids are in college and in high school, and despite all the stress of raising teens, I would never have given up the past few years of having them at home and watching them grow into young adults. Sure, they weren't around the house as much as they were during their childhood years, but that actually made the time with them more precious. We've had some of our best conversations during late night study breaks or driving home after a sports practice or game. If they'd been away at boarding school DH and I would have missed so many opportunities to get to know them as their adult characters and personalities took shape.

My views are also influenced by my experience growing up on the west coast with several cousins who came east for boarding school. Their relationships with one another and with their parents suffered to some extent because of the distance. It's easier these days to stay in touch via texts, Skype, etc., but I still wouldn't want to have my kids live outside our home at such a young age. Sure, they'll leave home at 18 or 19 for college, but there's a big difference between a 14 y.o. and an 18 y.o.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My DH went to a boarding school and loved the experience. He is very close with his h.s. friends. Most of his friends enjoyed their time, one or two who did not. One of these kids didn't really have a choice b/c his parents had work that involved heavy travel so they needed a home base as it were for school.

I would visit schools you're interested in. That would give you a sense of the culture, students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The local public schools were good, but this school had really outstanding opportunities. I struggled because for the first time in my life, I was a little fish in a big pond. I was pretty independent and started college about a month after turning 17.

Be prepared to parent your child differently if you send him or her to boarding school. It will be almost like having a freshman in college - you have to help him or her navigate the system (financial aid, on campus jobs, school schedule, dorm rules), but will lose a lot of direct control.

Agree. And when they come home "to visit", expect the same fights about their right to complete independence.[/quote]

When I came home from college there were no fights about independence, because my parents were fair. If I wanted to go out they wanted to know where I was going and when I'd be back. I had no curfew (but did have to be home - with their car- by the time I'd told them I'd be home). If I was leaving in the morning for the whole day, I had to let my mother know whether or not I'd be home for dinner. If I was coming home late at night after she was asleep, the deal was I had to close her bedroom door all the way, so if she woke up suddenly in the middle of the night she could easily be sure whether or not I was home. If I borrowed a car I had to replenish the gas I used up. These are all totally reasonable things. We didn't get in any fights once I went away to college and came back to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The local public schools were good, but this school had really outstanding opportunities. I struggled because for the first time in my life, I was a little fish in a big pond. I was pretty independent and started college about a month after turning 17.

Be prepared to parent your child differently if you send him or her to boarding school. It will be almost like having a freshman in college - you have to help him or her navigate the system (financial aid, on campus jobs, school schedule, dorm rules), but will lose a lot of direct control.

Agree. And when they come home "to visit", expect the same fights about their right to complete independence.[/quote]

When I came home from college there were no fights about independence, because my parents were fair. If I wanted to go out they wanted to know where I was going and when I'd be back. I had no curfew (but did have to be home - with their car- by the time I'd told them I'd be home). If I was leaving in the morning for the whole day, I had to let my mother know whether or not I'd be home for dinner. If I was coming home late at night after she was asleep, the deal was I had to close her bedroom door all the way, so if she woke up suddenly in the middle of the night she could easily be sure whether or not I was home. If I borrowed a car I had to replenish the gas I used up. These are all totally reasonable things. We didn't get in any fights once I went away to college and came back to visit.

PP - I think the earlier post was referring to teenagers coming back from boarding school for breaks - not college students. There's a big difference in age and maturity between the two...

[Anonymous]

My kids are in college and in high school, and despite all the stress of raising teens, I would never have given up the past few years of having them at home and watching them grow into young adults. Sure, they weren't around the house as much as they were during their childhood years, but that actually made the time with them more precious. We've had some of our best conversations during late night study breaks or driving home after a sports practice or game. If they'd been away at boarding school DH and I would have missed so many opportunities to get to know them as their adult characters and personalities took shape.

To be fair, the breaks at boarding schools are much longer than the breaks at public schools, so it's not like you have no time for quality interaction with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My kids are in college and in high school, and despite all the stress of raising teens, I would never have given up the past few years of having them at home and watching them grow into young adults. Sure, they weren't around the house as much as they were during their childhood years, but that actually made the time with them more precious. We've had some of our best conversations during late night study breaks or driving home after a sports practice or game. If they'd been away at boarding school DH and I would have missed so many opportunities to get to know them as their adult characters and personalities took shape.

To be fair, the breaks at boarding schools are much longer than the breaks at public schools, so it's not like you have no time for quality interaction with your kids.

I understand that the breaks are longer, but that's not the same thing as seeing your kids on a day-by-day basis. Spending time with your child at six-week intervals during a period of intense emotional and cognitive development seems less than optimal to me. You would be missing out on those spontaneous heart-to-heart talks that are a critical part of parenting during the teen years.

[Anonymous]

I understand that the breaks are longer, but that's not the same thing as seeing your kids on a day-by-day basis. Spending time with your child at six-week intervals during a period of intense emotional and cognitive development seems less than optimal to me. You would be missing out on those spontaneous heart-to-heart talks that are a critical part of parenting during the teen years.

I don't have teens, and I did not attend boarding school (I am the PP whose neighbor went to Choate). But I know her parents very well, and I know they are very invested in their daughter and were very hands on parents growing up. She talks on the phone with them a lot, and they have a lot of quality time together when she is on breaks. The issue with conversations about boarding school I see is that people immediately get very judgmental about what they think the best way to parent kids are. To me, it smacks of the same sort of attitudes people have about working parents putting their kids in daycare when they are younger. I think there are many ways of parenting effectively, and while there are advantages to having spontaneous day to day interaction, there are also advantages to having extended amounts of time where the kids don't have school obligations to spend together as well.