My husband has been frequenting a dating site - need advice

[Anonymous]

This morning I went to my husband's computer to print something (it's the only computer in the house hooked up to a printer) and found that he had last been watching a porn video. That was upsetting for a variety of reasons, but when I pulled up a different tab to access my e-mail account, up popped a dating site. I couldn't access it because a username and passcode were required. When I went to the Bing main page it showed a host of sites - some porn, some dating - that he frequented.

I am gutted. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with twins. We have a young daughter. It was our 9th anniversary yesterday.

The porn bothers me because I have tried everything possible to enhance our intimacy over the years to no avail. My H has insisted his libido is down because of medication he takes. Obviously, I now realize that this is not the case - he just isn't into sex with me.

The dating site is the most painful, though. I have no idea if he's actually been unfaithful (i.e., carrying on a relationship with someone else), but a dating site is close enough for me.

I confronted him and he responded angrily that I don't "take care of him" and respond to his needs. I strongly refute that. In any case, what now? I have obviously been living a lie and take responsiblity for that. Want the best for our kids. What H to be happy but recognize that might not be with me. I want to be happy, too.

Any constructive advice would be much appreciated. I'm definitely very alone right now.

[Anonymous]

This dating site... was it called friendfinder?

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry. I can't speak to the bigger issues and for that I do think therapy is in order.

But about the porn... when I was pregnant my DH wasn't interested. He was still romantic, etc, but not sexually interested. It all came back once the baby was born. Some men just aren't into pregnant women? My friend had the opposite reaction from her DH, so it definitely varies.

[Anonymous]

His actions online might have been innocent but the way he responded to you is a pretty good indicator of guilt.

If he is the one with low libido then how are you not taking care of his needs? What needs was he referring to?

[Anonymous]

what kind of porn was it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His actions online might have been innocent but the way he responded to you is a pretty good indicator of guilt.

If he is the one with low libido then how are you not taking care of his needs? What needs was he referring to?

Yes, this. Was there any commonality in the porn? Some fetish? Also, what sort of dating site? Some dating sites are basically porn, which is why I asked if it was friendfinder, which is porn (and hookers).

[Anonymous]

Im confused. When you confronted him, did he say he was cheating or deny it?

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you. I know exactly that "gutted" feeling you are experiencing. Twice I have experienced the same feeling and confronted my husband, too. Once he responded angrily and became defensive the second time he was open and honest. In my heart of hearts, even though each situation *looked* bad and like I was being cheated on or that at the very least he was trying to cheat on me, I had to examine everything he told me, how I was acting, how our relationship was and of course, the second time-- I went off of his actions and the fact that he cleaned up the "mess" immediately. I'm in no way saying that my husband wouldn't cheat because ANYONE can cheat-- I believe he has chosen not to.

I love my husband. We have 7 years invested, 4 children and almost a third home. We have been through hell and back. We have good times. We have bad. I want to weather the storm with him though. I did explain, however, that if I ever found him in another "sticky" situation, that I would divorce him and protect myself. I can't go into crazy details but my situation and what I found is much different than a dating website. He wasn't on the internet but he had been contacted by women and had a hard time realizing that it was inappropriate until it was.

You are pregnant. You are tired. You are not interested in sex right now. He is probably lonely too. You also have a young child on top of your pregnancy. It's very hard on both of you. You need to talk to him. You need to ask him to be honest with you. If he's cheated, tell you. If he hasn't, tell you. You need to know why he feels the need to seek outside attention. What does he need, exactly? Your needs and his will change over time. He needs to, however, realize and respect that you are the mother of his children and carrying not one but two children. You won't be pregnant forever and soon his needs will be better met.

I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Nine years is a long time to be married and many men get bored and restless at this point. Add in the idea of two more kids coming in a few more months, and he probably is feeling more and more trapped. <---- Not saying this is acceptable by the way, because it isn't. Just trying to explain his actions.

He probably views porn because you are pregnant now and it is nice to fantasize about a thinner woman he can imagine getting it on w/. Or perhaps he just likes to fantasize about porn stars in general and maybe has an addiction. As his wife, I wouldn't be too happy if my husband was viewing porn on his own. Esp. if he was having less and less sexual relations w/me in the process.

As for the dating site, this is very troubling to me.
It appears he is doing more than simply "fantasizing" here. If he truly is an active member on this site, then he is taking certain steps it seems to reach out and be w/other women which is definitely unacceptable considering he is a married man, plus he is a father-to-be of twin babies!! Argh! What a jerk.

His response after you confronted him was so hurtful.
He did a very sloppy job of covering his tracks. Do you suppose he wanted to get caught? Or that he was lax because he didn't care if he did or not?

Regardless, things are very dicey now.
You are in a very vulnerable state now, both physically and emotionally and it is very cruel and unfair that your husband has put you in this position.

My advice of course would be to kick this loser to the curb, but being pregnant w/twins is not exactly the best time to make it on your own.

If I were in your shoes, I would stay w/him until I had the twins, then leave him afterward.
Hopefully you have a large support system in place to help out once the babies arrive.

Or I would demand my husband accompany me to counseling ASAP to work on his issues w/me and what it is exactly that is making him do these unacceptable things online.

OP, I am very sorry that this is happening to you, esp. now w/everything else you are dealing w/.

Your husband is a very insensitive and clueless jerk, but for the sake of your family I hope things can be worked out.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nine years is a long time to be married and many men get bored and restless at this point. Add in the idea of two more kids coming in a few more months, and he probably is feeling more and more trapped. <---- Not saying this is acceptable by the way, because it isn't. Just trying to explain his actions.

He probably views porn because you are pregnant now and it is nice to fantasize about a thinner woman he can imagine getting it on w/. Or perhaps he just likes to fantasize about porn stars in general and maybe has an addiction. As his wife, I wouldn't be too happy if my husband was viewing porn on his own. Esp. if he was having less and less sexual relations w/me in the process.

As for the dating site, this is very troubling to me.
It appears he is doing more than simply "fantasizing" here. If he truly is an active member on this site, then he is taking certain steps it seems to reach out and be w/other women which is definitely unacceptable considering he is a married man, plus he is a father-to-be of twin babies!! Argh! What a jerk.

His response after you confronted him was so hurtful.
He did a very sloppy job of covering his tracks. Do you suppose he wanted to get caught? Or that he was lax because he didn't care if he did or not?

Regardless, things are very dicey now.
You are in a very vulnerable state now, both physically and emotionally and it is very cruel and unfair that your husband has put you in this position.

My advice of course would be to kick this loser to the curb, but being pregnant w/twins is not exactly the best time to make it on your own.

If I were in your shoes, I would stay w/him until I had the twins, then leave him afterward.
Hopefully you have a large support system in place to help out once the babies arrive.

Or I would demand my husband accompany me to counseling ASAP to work on his issues w/me and what it is exactly that is making him do these unacceptable things online.

OP, I am very sorry that this is happening to you, esp. now w/everything else you are dealing w/.

Your husband is a very insensitive and clueless jerk, but for the sake of your family I hope things can be worked out.

Good luck.

Really? Kick him to the curb for fantasizing about something? Wow. Harsh.

[Anonymous]

Oh, the worthwhile men grow out of this. I think all men go through a stage of fantasizing that they have other alternatives when children are young, and the wife is pregnant. The internet just makes it easier to do, and of course, easier to get caught.

Concentrate on the positive aspects of your marriage and give it some time. You're not going anywhere at this point, so look on the bright side of your situation - you're fertile, he's a good provider, he's a good father, whatever the bright side is for you, and concentrate on yourself. Get your hair done, get a massage!

[Anonymous]

I would go to counseling. You need to iron this out and clear the air before you bring 2 twins into this world.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the responses and advice.

No, the site wasn't Friend Finder, but I took a look and it does seem to be raunchy - certainly not eHarmony!

He didn't admit to the dating site,and certainly not to cheating, only responded that I didn't take care of his needs and some other jabs related to our sex life. I have been very eager to be initimate with my husband, and made that clear.

By the way, our sex life has suffered for a few years now. This is not just during my pregnancy. He has consistently maintained it 's related to his medication.

To the PP who asked about the type of porn, it looks like with Asian women, at least in the video that was on the tab. I have no idea whether this is his "thing". I am not Asian, so clearly he isn't interested in someone who looks like me!

This is a sad day for me. Am concentrating on bringing two healthy babies into the world in a couple of months and taking care of my daughter and then will focus on next steps after that. I do appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go to counseling. You need to iron this out and clear the air before you bring 2 twins into this world.

OP here - I agree that couples therapy is in order, though I'm not sure what it will accomplish. I guess anything that makes life better for our kids however this plays out for us as a couple - that is my motivation right now.

[Anonymous]

If the website came up in history, etc., that is troubling. If it's just a popup ad, don't worry about it. If it's a site he has visited and presumably used, then that is worrisome. Can you look at the credit card statements?

If he has been attentive to you + your kids and gets it done around the house and at work, then you can fix this -- provided either (1) he wants to fix things or (2) you can live with a lower level of sex + him looking at porn.

If you can't, then you have to decide whether you can live with being single and having him make 50% of the parenting decisions.