My husband has been frequenting a dating site - need advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the website came up in history, etc., that is troubling. If it's just a popup ad, don't worry about it. If it's a site he has visited and presumably used, then that is worrisome. Can you look at the credit card statements?

If he has been attentive to you + your kids and gets it done around the house and at work, then you can fix this -- provided either (1) he wants to fix things or (2) you can live with a lower level of sex + him looking at porn.

If you can't, then you have to decide whether you can live with being single and having him make 50% of the parenting decisions.

OP again. Nope, not a pop up ad. This site was listed as one of his "active" sites on the Bing tab.

I'm not comfortable with him on dating sites - obviously - and the porn just compounds my sense of betrayal (if we had a healthy sex life that would be one thing, but we don't and he has rebuffed my attempts at intimacy many, many times).

I don't know what my steps will be after the babies are here. Right now I feel like the world has stopped and so I'm not sure what I'll do. But I know I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and is committed to being with only me. I'm not settling for less even if it means sharing parenting responsibilites as co-parents.

[Anonymous]

You can always register for the site he's on with a fake name and photo and try to look at what he has listed on the site. That's what I would do to gather more info and make sure you more fully understand what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always register for the site he's on with a fake name and photo and try to look at what he has listed on the site. That's what I would do to gather more info and make sure you more fully understand what's going on.

I would do this too. This is how I confirmed that my ex was indeed cheating on me.

[Anonymous]

Oh Op I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially with the babies on the way.
I also found my husband was on dating websites. I broke into one of his accounts and found out he had tried to contact women. He was on 3 sites that I know of. I found out a few weeks later he had actually cheated on me but not with women from the sites. At the time we didn't have kids and it would've been so easy to walk away. But I decided to give our relationship a chance, work on things for a couple of months and reevaluate then. Except I got pregnant (wasn't careful because I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant). My daughter is 8 months old now and we're still together.

For you, I would recommend therapy with him. Find out what his sexual issues are and how you can work on them together. Of course it will be difficult with the babies but if you want to give it a shot it's your best bet. If you decide not to stay with him I would stick out until after the babies are here, like a year old, and in the meantime work on building your support system etc.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP--I don't have any other advice, but I'm just sending some good, positive vibes your way. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Is he otherwise a good man? If so, therapy. Meanwhile do not have sex with him. (Condonation). Talk to a lawyer just in case.

[Anonymous]

i wouldnt suggest leaving while pregnant with twins. i think with twins, even if he is a dog, waiting til age 2 is better, 3 if you can stand it.

leaving my ex was the right thing to do but leaving with an infant meant all the night wake ups, sick days/nights were on me. back then, i wished, i'd waited until 18 months.

[Anonymous]

Are you living near your family?

If not, I would take serious steps to move back home.

Once you have the babies you can't leave.

Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave now. Btdt, reconciled...someone on this very site scoffed at me and said good luck with that...affairs are like crack. The poster was right. Of course he did it again, this time further undercover. Be strong for your babies, get out while you can.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, Just another person saying, I'm sorry. I can feel how devastating this is. Is there any support? Can you get a counsellor? There's The Women's Center in Vienna, VA. Do you have child care help?

[Anonymous]

Don't have sex with him, it would be very bad for the fetuses to contract an std

[Anonymous]

He's looking at dating sites, and when you confront him his response is to blame you? And you say he rejects you sexually. Not promising, OP. I'm so sorry.

Will he try counseling with you?

[Anonymous]

My husband did this kind of escapism too. He got addicted to porn on the internet. He was depressed, had anxiety, etc. Get him to a psychologist for talk therapy, stat. He needs to work on this so he can be present for the twins. He probably feels guilty, angry etc. I would recommend you talk to someone also, but not together at this point. Couples counseling is a long, hard slog. GL.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. He didn't come home tonight because he said with no trust there is no relationship. He sees the issue is that I don't trust him and should have known that he would never use a dating site (despite the evidence). He alternately says that all of this is because I don't give him enough BJs. It is so painful and surreal - all of this seems crazy. But again, thanks for your advice and kind words. I do have a couple of family members around and a pretty good support system. I will be ok - I remind myself I need to be for our kids.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. He didn't come home tonight because he said with no trust there is no relationship. He sees the issue is that I don't trust him and should have known that he would never use a dating site (despite the evidence). He alternately says that all of this is because I don't give him enough BJs. It is so painful and surreal - all of this seems crazy. But again, thanks for your advice and kind words. I do have a couple of family members around and a pretty good support system. I will be ok - I remind myself I need to be for our kids.

-OP

My mother always says that my stepfather wouldn't have left her if she just gave him more BJ's. And she tells me I better give DH BJ's or he will leave me too. In a way, I think she is right. I hate doing it on 4 hours sleep exhausted from my legal job, but I do it maybe once every 2 weeks just to keep him in the game. I think you definitely need ot start giving him at least 1 BJ a week right now. Sounds like he is sexually frustrated, but obviously not handling it right. He should have just told you or taken YOU to counseling rather than being a cheater. Hope this helps, and I am sorry. He sounds like an A hole.