My husband has been frequenting a dating site - need advice

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. It sounds now as if he's gaslighting you (um, can't come home because you messed up in accusing him??). It sucks. I have grown twins and can imagine how much you're dealing with at this stage in your pregnancy. I'm so glad you have a good support system. Please lean on those around you for help. Good luck. (((hugs)))

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to read about your experience. My husband had an affair had an affair when i was 6 months pregnant with our first child. It was devestating but I didn't kick him out. We went to Intensive counseling right up until the week before I was due. Then we were so wrapped up in having a a newborn that we just made due. It took a long time for me to trust him but we are going 7 years later. If you want to stay together and you are married to a good man/father, I would try to make it work. As for the porn thing, I am pretty sure most men and women look at porn so I wouldn't be too concerned. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a normal dude surfing porn and one of those dating popup sites that accompany nearly every porn site. I don't see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear it. I don't think watching the pron is that big a deal and not uncommon. But the dating site would of course be an issue. I think therapy is in order. He might be feeling anxious about the baby, who knows but he is married and visiting dating site is inappropriate. Period. Hugs to you.

I hope you will seek therapy, it can do wonders, as it did for my H and I.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a normal dude surfing porn and one of those dating popup sites that accompany nearly every porn site. I don't see a problem.

the problem is that he isn't coming home, and punishing his wife because she brought up this up. Rather than reassuring her, he blames her and further fuels the fire by not coming home. Also, he blames his activities (but not clear if he's dating or not) on the fact that she isn't satisfying him, yet according to OP he's the one who has been rejecting sex. A married man who is a father of one and expecting twins should be working like hell on his marriage, not frequenting dating sites and not coming home at night.

IF OP weren't pregnant with twins and had a small child, I'd advise her to move on, but I can't imagine how she'll get through. I'm so so sorry OP. What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. He didn't come home tonight because he said with no trust there is no relationship. He sees the issue is that I don't trust him and should have known that he would never use a dating site (despite the evidence). He alternately says that all of this is because I don't give him enough BJs. It is so painful and surreal - all of this seems crazy. But again, thanks for your advice and kind words. I do have a couple of family members around and a pretty good support system. I will be ok - I remind myself I need to be for our kids.

-OP

I would respond, perhaps by email, that he's entirely right: without trust, there is no relationship. By frequenting a dating site, he has violated your trust. By blaming you for his visiting a dating site, he is violating your trust that he would address issues in the marriage directly. And now for you to be able to trust him, you need to know the extent of his activities: has he been dating, is he seeing someone, has he had sex with someone, does he want out of the marriage? ITs unlikely, however, he is going to give you concrete answers and unfortunately his actions--gaslighting--suggest he's guilty and trying like hell to blame you. I'd probably start with cellphone and credit card records and see if something comes up. Has he had suspicious behavior? (eg working late, traveling, etc?). Has his refusal to have sex been recent or sudden? has he addressed that with you directly? It sounds as if intensive counseling is necessary.

[Anonymous]

I discovered my husband was registered with a Russian dating mail order bride site. He claimed a friend told him and he was curious; but... his account went back a couple years, and he'd emailed a woman.

I was super pissed for a few months, and still get angry when I think of it. I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't met him on Match. Luckily UPS hasn't dropped off a bride yet

My only advice is that the next few weeks will be hard while you process this; don't be rash and consider a therapist if you don't have a family member or friend you want to confide this.

[Anonymous]

Dating sites are part and parcel to porn sites, as others have mentioned. I think it's also plausible that a man in this scenario could pursue an escapism fantasy as far as registering on a dating site and pursuing some leads without actually consummating an affair. I wish the man's reaction read better than it does, but we are just reading it, and don't have all the details and nuances. And getting busted with this kind of behavior is bound to get an unfavorable reaction. I'm not trying to defend him and certainly not criticizing OP's descriptions, but I am trying to offer plausible hope that all is not lost. Guys have fantasies. They might get reckless in pursuing them. But they may never consummate them. Wishing you the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a normal dude surfing porn and one of those dating popup sites that accompany nearly every porn site. I don't see a problem.

I did ask just that, and OP said the site wasn't a popup and that it was listed as a "frequently seen site."

[Anonymous]

Seek therapy for emotional support if nothing else, don't expect that you can manage this heavy secret in the midst of all of you are doing.
Advise DH that you need to be in couples therapy to repair your relationship, or at least give it a try. Look for an EFT (emotionally focused) or Gottman trained clinician that specializes in couples and can contain the situation at a minimum. Check out profiles on psychology today to get a sense of people before you start blindly calling off of your insurance panel website. If you must pay out of network, pick someone who you think you can both feel a connection with. Don't try to manage this alone any further. If DH won't go, see someone on your own. This has a chance to be repaired but you need someone skilled to help.

-Couples therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry. I can't speak to the bigger issues and for that I do think therapy is in order.

But about the porn... when I was pregnant my DH wasn't interested. He was still romantic, etc, but not sexually interested. It all came back once the baby was born. Some men just aren't into pregnant women? My friend had the opposite reaction from her DH, so it definitely varies.

Ugggghhh! For what? He is fucking around or trying to fuck around. Stay or go OP? That is the only question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. He didn't come home tonight because he said with no trust there is no relationship. He sees the issue is that I don't trust him and should have known that he would never use a dating site (despite the evidence). He alternately says that all of this is because I don't give him enough BJs. It is so painful and surreal - all of this seems crazy. But again, thanks for your advice and kind words. I do have a couple of family members around and a pretty good support system. I will be ok - I remind myself I need to be for our kids.

-OP

Yea. He's fucking somebody else or your a troll. Either way prayers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry, I really can't imagine being in your shoes and trying to figure out how to cope and what to do.

However, I can imagine being 29 wks pregnant w/ twins and planning for that. Mine just turned 2.

I agree w/ the folks (and your basic mindset right now) about just getting through the rest of your pregnancy as healthily and calmly as possible. (Minimizing stress is pretty important.) Since the situation w/ your husband won't be quickly resolved, I would suggest that you line up as much help as possible for the last few weeks of your pregnancy and the first few months after the babies are born. If you are well enough off throw LOTS of money at this. Hire night nurses so you can sleep, a nanny to help you during the day, a cleaning service, Peapod for grocery deliver, use diapers.com or amazon prime for all the baby related gear, etc...

If you have family or close friends who are helpful and who you can stand to have around have them come and stay with you. Let them help w/ baby care, laundry, meal prep, etc...

Join your local parents/mothers of multiples club - they are tremendously helpful w/ bedrest, NICU (if necessary) issues, doctor recommendations, gear, etc... Many of them have really supportive programs with meal support, bedrest assistance, etc... Also, it's just great to have a friend w/ twins who understands some of the challenges, even though you're already an experienced parent.

Plan to treat your husband like a roommate for however long you need to compartmentalize the relationship to deal with your immediate realities. Just shelve the marriage nightmares until you are healthily settled into a routine w/ your larger family.

My very best wishes for your pregnancy, the babies, and your marriage. I hope that the next few months are as peaceful as possible.

[Anonymous]

your husband sounds like a huge narcissist..you don't take care of HIS needs??? you're pregnant with twins and he's basically cheating on you. what the..frack.

[Anonymous]

OP, just checking in. hugs to you.