help remind me about being patient and understanding with husbands depression

[Anonymous]

Today is my 45th birthday. As good a day as any to be reminded about how to be patient and understanding about, well, everything under the sun.

Readers digest version: DH had been on a downward spiral of anger outbursts and withdrawal for a few years. Anger outbursts got increasingl nasty, in my face, verbally abusive. Would promise to go to therapy then not go. And etc.

Finally when I stated it was not going to be possible for ANY person to be married to ANY other person who treated them this way, and that he should seek treatment, and that I would stand by him through that, he finally did something. Of course, I was the one who had the find the doctor and set the appointment.

He was diagnosed with depression. He took the meds. They kind of worked at first. Now its clear, after about six months that maybe he needs to change something up. BUt he is a lot less of an asshole. No more in my face agner outbursts and in fact no more really personal outbursts, I dont think. There are even days when I see the guy I married in him. So, some progress. Of course, It was my job to find him another doctor and now its my job to call her and see if he made another appointment because though I asked him to call her he of course forgot. But he did go to the other appointment I set for him and seemed to feel good about the new doc.

But still there persists the fact that I have ALL the load on me as I did before, which includes doing ALL the finances for the business (his business in the sense he had it beore I existed and could have it without me), ALL the real responsible stuff like doctors appts for him, me DD, etc., now the homeschooling, and also planning for a big move soon. His main burden is really financial in that business has been bad. But we have a fat four month contract that could really turn things around, and it starts in January. Yet he cant take joy or even a sense of releif in even that. Its like he is so out of it its not making the difference.

The fog of his depression just makes everything completely excruciating. There is nothing to look forward to except the drudgery of all the thigns that I will have to do because, at least for now, he lacks and mental capacity to do them more than ever. Im just feeling a bit tired and just not real happy that after all I have been through already, all that is ahead for me is more work. And, its not like Im some selfish ass that puts myself first ever. Its actually kind of better I dont think of myself too much because really all I see is the work ahead. ITs best not to focus on that.

So please, anyone, just tell me something to zap me back into my patient and understanding mode.

[Anonymous]

DH here. Been where you are, and I totally get it.

You're allowed to feel beaten down. Things are really REALLY tough when dealing with someone like this.

I'm sorry. Maybe you need an outlet (besides DCUM) of your own to unload?

[Anonymous]

Oh man. This is my life right now. It is so hard and I have been on the verge of just leaving many times, yesterday included. I took me a long time to realize his depression was manifesting as anger.

I try hard to remind myself that my husband is dealing with a chronic illness and he is seeking treatment for it. Yesterday before he left for work he yelled at out toddler again. I was livid all day.

But then I realized he is truly not capable of being an engaged parent and partner right now. We he came home last night, I sat down with him and told him I understood that he was barely managing to care for himself right now, and I know he can't be expected to care for anyone else. I also talked to him about our son and told him I know how much he loves him and how he strives to be a good dad. I pointed out to him that DC can't grow up feeling like daddy doesn't like him.

DH agreed with all I had said. We left it that I will give her more time and he will seek even more help.

It is not ideal. It has been a huge struggle, but I love my husband and I know I would regret losing him.

That's my own ramble, but I hope it helps. If for nothing else, at least know that I understand how hard this is.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, Happy Birthday!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but it doesn't matter how depressed he is (my DH and I have been depressed too at times), verbal abuse is never O.K.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks.

Yeah he is no longer verbally abusive. Just a royal jerk.

Just now I had to yell at him because he called me with a flustered "it would have been nice had you told me.." phone call regarding something i did not know and could not have told him. Well, I definitely TOLD him just now. I let him know he was being as ASS. He found a bunch of reasons to explain why somehow his bitchy attitude was not that. I told him he owed me an apology. He made more excuses, and I re-iterated he was being as ASS.

Not my best moment, but I am really sick of having to absorb EVERY fucking moment of his with patience. What happens if I run out, like today? Its like he has no coping skills.

Sucky realization: Its just going to require more of exactly that which, currently, I do not feel I have.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. Talk to the doctor. Get the meds straightened out. It takes time to perfect the dosages.

Meanwhile, you need to see a therapist who can teach you about coping mechanisms and help you through this for a while.

We have a relative with Depression who has been diagnosed with mental disorders that affect this person "mildly." However, the accumulation of the disorders makes spending time with this relative like playing Russian Roulette. One holiday, everything will be fine. The next holiday, we pack up and leave because the relative will be acting batshit crazy.

You never know what you're going to get, that's why I recommend seeing a therapist. These boards won't help you much. You need a professional.

[Anonymous]

Can you get away for a few days? Just to have a least of couple of days where you take care of you and get some breathing space?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

I do see a therapist. Sadly, it all boils down to I have to continue to be more patient.

[Anonymous]

It does help to hear of others in the same boat, though. No therapist can provide that!

[Anonymous]

10:07 To the DH- THanks. Yes, sometimes one has to remember that its ok to feel like you cant deal. Especially when you do it 24/7 365 and just need a moment. Boy did I have one today!

Truth be told, there is noone I talk to about my husbands depression besides the therapist. This is probably because it all started with rage and nastiness which was humiliating to me, although I knew it was not my fault. Until he was ready to seek help, I had to keep it to myself. We did see some therapist before, but it feels like it was a waste on account of us not knowing about the diagnosis AND his denial.

I find that when it comes to REAL MARITAL PROBLEMS you really cannot talk to anyone. Its either an opportunity to be judged, an opportunity to hear something really stupid said, OR, at best, it just feels like a huge exposure of someone else. No matter how unfair he was to me, I did not feel it was fair to him to expose his behavior to ANYone except someone equippied to actually understand what was going on. Because really, there was no way to present it that did not make it sound ilke essentially an unfixable problem.

To the extent that depression is in any way "fixable". I wanted to speak only to someone who would know about that. It was a long wait, though, for him to come around to taking that step of treatment. And its still a struggle for him to come to terms with needing to do it at all. And I feel for him in that regard- despite what it did to me.

I know I am actually quite tough, and Ive only gotten tougher, but boy sometimes I just wonder if life for me with this man will ever be more than an opportunity to get tougher and tougher. I think it could. I have to be satistfied with that level of confidence in that.

For today, at least.

[Anonymous]

Is he doing anything else for the depression other than just taking meds? Given how exhausted you are, and the fact that you have a young child, I think you both need to agree that he needs to do everything possible to tackle the depression. That means weekly cognitive behavioral therapy, daily exercise, sun exposure or use of a sun lamp during the winter, daily intake of essential fatty acids (AHA/DHA) and other healthy fats, a healthy and well-rounded diet of whole foods, no alcohol and limited sugar and caffeine, no drugs. I'm sure there's more - meditation, probably.

[Anonymous]

11:17 You are spot on, and the answer is no he is not doing anything other than taking the meds and seeing an occasional therapist.

This is not because he does not want to do those other things, but rather he is on a bit of a downward spiral that is the result of many accumulated stresses and issues, primarily, but not entirely, career based. Its no understatement to say that we have brushed with financial ruin. But we have managed it becuase _I_ make sure and manage bills and let him know exactly what we need and what needs to happen. Without me, he would be truly lost. And I dont say that because I love being in that position. In fact it scares me. So, really, what I am doing is a combination of doing what needs to eb done now to keep thigns going and stabilizing him and looking to the future for models on how I actually want this life with him to look like. Then he needs to have the wherewithall to realize that maybe he needs to make his life look like the one he wants by doing really sensible pull up by the bootstraps kind of stuff.

I should add that in addition to depression he has terrible chronic back pain which affects him and EVERYthing every single day, _AND_ he has ADD, also not currently being treated, although the wellbutrin is supposed to work for both the depression and the add.

He forgot his last psych appointment. That just about captures it.

[Anonymous]

So he owns his own business? and you are a SAM that home schools? This is challenging even to mild depression. Is there any possibility of him moving to a job at a company, that might have steady but lower employment? Is there any possibility of sending your kid to a public school, so you could have a break while your kid is at school?